Why troubled couples wait until too late

[Anonymous]

I'm here now, 3 years into a marriage. DH refuses and denies that anything is wrong, but he's emotionally distant and I am lonely and frustrated. Sex is a few times a year. (I am tired of rejection so I rarely initiate anymore, and he doesn't initiate, ever.) I'd go in a heartbeat if he'd go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not really in that situation but I have to say that the reports I get from counselling seem to be very mixed whether it actually helps and for two working parents with small kid(s) it seems like a tremendous PITA for something that may be not particularly helpful (or inexpensive).

The outcomes from counseling are typically divorces. Why bother? Just save the misery, expense, and time and hurry up and divorce.

Actually, the outcomes from couples counseling are more hopeful and positive when the couple doesn't wait until the bitter end to seek it out. By that time so much damage has been done that it would take a miracle worker, not a therapist, to resurrect some of these marriages.

[Anonymous]

OP, either you are not married or have not faced strife in your marriage or your life.

Issues creep up on you. They creep up on you as you get married, have kids, juggle said marriage, kids, in between (likely) two full time jobs. So much of this is just survival. You are just trying to get through every day. You don't have time to dwell on what is wrong, why you feel alienated from your spouse, why you haven't had sex in weeks/months. It just cumulates until one person hits a wall, realizes how unhappy they have become, and have to find the guys to 1) believe that life could be better and 2) acknowledge that belief out loud to their spouse.

Does this sound easy to you? Cause it sure is not. Not for anybody for whom this happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do troubled couples wait until it is too late?

I know 2 couples that have been having trouble for at least 7 years. Both were having trouble before kids, one couple has 1 kid, the other 2 kids now. They are miserable now. Neither one having sex (one couple for over 8 years). Both women tell the men why they aren't having sex--get off you ass and help around the house. One guy is threatening to have an affair--and there is proof of inappropriate IMing with other women. The other one is probably having one, but no proof.

They've been in crisis for YEARS. Why is it only now that one couple is looking into counseling and the other is just resigned herself (and her child) to a miserable marriage and home life.

Why don't couples seek help right at the beginning? Why wait until all the damage is done? if you were or are in a marriage in crisis, why did you wait?

This math seems off. If they were having trouble before kids, which was seven years ago, how could they have not had sex for more than eight years and have at least one child?

OP Here- I said 'at least 7 years', so for one couple it's been longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- from what I've read is that therapy doesn't usually work because people wait until too much damage is done. If you go when the trouble begins rather than waiting 5,6,7,8 years.

And it's easier to find child care for therapy session than deal with a divorce and child custody.

And I think about the damage being done to the children being around a bad marriage.

... as opposed to the poverty imposed on kids in a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, either you are not married or have not faced strife in your marriage or your life.

Issues creep up on you. They creep up on you as you get married, have kids, juggle said marriage, kids, in between (likely) two full time jobs. So much of this is just survival. You are just trying to get through every day. You don't have time to dwell on what is wrong, why you feel alienated from your spouse, why you haven't had sex in weeks/months. It just cumulates until one person hits a wall, realizes how unhappy they have become, and have to find the guys to 1) believe that life could be better and 2) acknowledge that belief out loud to their spouse.

Does this sound easy to you? Cause it sure is not. Not for anybody for whom this happens.

This. It is so easy to judge, especially when the party making judgments has not been in a multiyear (possibly multidecade) marriage. Couples get busy, especially after kids come along. Add to the relationship various factors like IL troubles, job stress, bills/house/car/taxes, errant school systems like DCPS, etc., and you'll realize that it's a Herculean task to keep any marriage together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, either you are not married or have not faced strife in your marriage or your life.

Issues creep up on you. They creep up on you as you get married, have kids, juggle said marriage, kids, in between (likely) two full time jobs. So much of this is just survival. You are just trying to get through every day. You don't have time to dwell on what is wrong, why you feel alienated from your spouse, why you haven't had sex in weeks/months. It just cumulates until one person hits a wall, realizes how unhappy they have become, and have to find the guys to 1) believe that life could be better and 2) acknowledge that belief out loud to their spouse.

Does this sound easy to you? Cause it sure is not. Not for anybody for whom this happens.

Actually, we have faced strife. DH and I went throughs something rather tragic earlier this year. We been working very hard to deal with it and stay close to each other. But it has brought out a few of his issues that are now affecting the marriage. So he is starting up individual therapy because he is seeing how his issues could destroy us. I've thought we might need to go into couple's counseling but for now I'm satisfied that individual therapy is the best route. And in 3-6 months we will re-evaluate whether or not we need couple's counseling.

So no, I do not think it sounds easy. I think it takes work and attention. And life is messy and draining. But constantly fighting is even more draining. Divorce and sharing custody is even more messy. So I don't understand why people wait so long. 1-2 years I understand, 5+ years, I don't get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, either you are not married or have not faced strife in your marriage or your life.

Issues creep up on you. They creep up on you as you get married, have kids, juggle said marriage, kids, in between (likely) two full time jobs. So much of this is just survival. You are just trying to get through every day. You don't have time to dwell on what is wrong, why you feel alienated from your spouse, why you haven't had sex in weeks/months. It just cumulates until one person hits a wall, realizes how unhappy they have become, and have to find the guys to 1) believe that life could be better and 2) acknowledge that belief out loud to their spouse.

Does this sound easy to you? Cause it sure is not. Not for anybody for whom this happens.

Actually, we have faced strife. DH and I went throughs something rather tragic earlier this year. We been working very hard to deal with it and stay close to each other. But it has brought out a few of his issues that are now affecting the marriage. So he is starting up individual therapy because he is seeing how his issues could destroy us. I've thought we might need to go into couple's counseling but for now I'm satisfied that individual therapy is the best route. And in 3-6 months we will re-evaluate whether or not we need couple's counseling.

So no, I do not think it sounds easy. I think it takes work and attention. And life is messy and draining. But constantly fighting is even more draining. Divorce and sharing custody is even more messy. So I don't understand why people wait so long. 1-2 years I understand, 5+ years, I don't get.

FFS OP, you are so narrow minded. Not everybody's marriage entails a bunch of fighting. I am sort of getting tired of trying to explain this to somebody who clearly does not understand that your experiences are not everybody else's, that not all spouses are cognizant of their issues, and that not all spouses know how to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Wow, angry much? Why are you so mad at me? If you are so frustrated with me and my questions, the go away. Quit looking at this thread. No one is making you answer.

I'm genuinely curious as to how couple's get into this state. And the couples I mentioned are fighting and fighting a lot.

[Anonymous]

I think that couples wait until it's too late because "working on it" requires two dedicated people. In general, when things go bad, one party is more likely than the other party to want to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, angry much? Why are you so mad at me? If you are so frustrated with me and my questions, the go away. Quit looking at this thread. No one is making you answer.

I'm genuinely curious as to how couple's get into this state. And the couples I mentioned are fighting and fighting a lot.

i find your posts annoying because you come off as smug. and you are right, i am done with this thread. makes no sense to try to talk to you.

[Anonymous]

Wow, angry much? Why are you so mad at me? If you are so frustrated with me and my questions, the go away. Quit looking at this thread. No one is making you answer.

I'm genuinely curious as to how couple's get into this state. And the couples I mentioned are fighting and fighting a lot.

[Anonymous]

Whoops double post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, angry much? Why are you so mad at me? If you are so frustrated with me and my questions, the go away. Quit looking at this thread. No one is making you answer.

I'm genuinely curious as to how couple's get into this state. And the couples I mentioned are fighting and fighting a lot.

NP here. You're on a soap box. The person responding to you made a great attempt at answering your question and you knock it down. PP did answer your question, and did a good job of it. It certainly resonated for me and what I've heard. Maybe you're not interested in understanding? Maybe you are just here to preen, to show off how wonderfully you manage issues and poo poo on those who are in a very different place?

I don't know, but your attitude is pretty awful. Try listening and engaging more constructively.

It's funny that you are now displaying some of the exact behavior that keeps couples from seeking help----you're not hearing what others are trying to say, not acknowledging a different perspective, ignoring insights, and being kinda bitchy on top of it.

Stawp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not really in that situation but I have to say that the reports I get from counselling seem to be very mixed whether it actually helps and for two working parents with small kid(s) it seems like a tremendous PITA for something that may be not particularly helpful (or inexpensive).

The outcomes from counseling are typically divorces. Why bother? Just save the misery, expense, and time and hurry up and divorce.

This is like saying many cancer patients who see doctors end up dying. Therefore, no one should see a doctor and just go straight to dying.