Why troubled couples wait until too late

[Anonymous]

Why do troubled couples wait until it is too late?

I know 2 couples that have been having trouble for at least 7 years. Both were having trouble before kids, one couple has 1 kid, the other 2 kids now. They are miserable now. Neither one having sex (one couple for over 8 years). Both women tell the men why they aren't having sex--get off you ass and help around the house. One guy is threatening to have an affair--and there is proof of inappropriate IMing with other women. The other one is probably having one, but no proof.

They've been in crisis for YEARS. Why is it only now that one couple is looking into counseling and the other is just resigned herself (and her child) to a miserable marriage and home life.

Why don't couples seek help right at the beginning? Why wait until all the damage is done? if you were or are in a marriage in crisis, why did you wait?

[Anonymous]

I am not really in that situation but I have to say that the reports I get from counselling seem to be very mixed whether it actually helps and for two working parents with small kid(s) it seems like a tremendous PITA for something that may be not particularly helpful (or inexpensive).

[Anonymous]

OP here- from what I've read is that therapy doesn't usually work because people wait until too much damage is done. If you go when the trouble begins rather than waiting 5,6,7,8 years.

And it's easier to find child care for therapy session than deal with a divorce and child custody.

And I think about the damage being done to the children being around a bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

It's hard. When you seek help, you're acknowledging that there's a problem. And if you do that, you're open yourself up to possibly being responsible for some of that problem. Many folks don't want to go down that path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard. When you seek help, you're acknowledging that there's a problem. And if you do that, you're open yourself up to possibly being responsible for some of that problem. Many folks don't want to go down that path.

That. Sort of like when people don't go to the doctor when they don't feel well because they're afraid they'll get bad news, then the problem is harder to treat.

[Anonymous]

My friend is in an emotionally abusive marriage. It's been like watching a train wreck for years. They have lost friends over t because some of our friends can no longer stomach the abuse.

She does not leave because she has NO self esteem and exhibits classic victim behavior of always blaming herself for his actions. It is hard to watch and starting to become hard to respect her (my respect for him is long gone).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not really in that situation but I have to say that the reports I get from counselling seem to be very mixed whether it actually helps and for two working parents with small kid(s) it seems like a tremendous PITA for something that may be not particularly helpful (or inexpensive).

The outcomes from counseling are typically divorces. Why bother? Just save the misery, expense, and time and hurry up and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do troubled couples wait until it is too late?

I know 2 couples that have been having trouble for at least 7 years. Both were having trouble before kids, one couple has 1 kid, the other 2 kids now. They are miserable now. Neither one having sex (one couple for over 8 years). Both women tell the men why they aren't having sex--get off you ass and help around the house. One guy is threatening to have an affair--and there is proof of inappropriate IMing with other women. The other one is probably having one, but no proof.

They've been in crisis for YEARS. Why is it only now that one couple is looking into counseling and the other is just resigned herself (and her child) to a miserable marriage and home life.

Why don't couples seek help right at the beginning? Why wait until all the damage is done? if you were or are in a marriage in crisis, why did you wait?

Just remember that what you think you know is likely far from the truth. You appear to be friends with the wives by the way you talk about the men and affairs and "inappropriate IMs" and we all know women are good at painting a damning picture when they want to play the victim.

They may have had issues for a long time but they also probably had a lot of good times in their too. You only know the bad, not the day to day good.

[Anonymous]

Boiled frog phenomenon. Most marriages don't go from awesome to miserable in an instant, it's a gradual process, so you often don't realize things are getting bad until they're really bad.

[Anonymous]

Your way of looking at the situation is so strange, OP. You might as well ask why didn't the terminal cancer patient seek help right when those first cancer cells developed? BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T KNOW THEY NEEDED IT.

[Anonymous]

In the early years, it's very easy to tell yourself that "marriage isn't easy" and "marriage takes work".

[Anonymous]

My DH refused counseling when things first started to get bad. After a year of me repeatedly saying I would leave if things did not improve he finally agreed. But it may be too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do troubled couples wait until it is too late?

I know 2 couples that have been having trouble for at least 7 years. Both were having trouble before kids, one couple has 1 kid, the other 2 kids now. They are miserable now. Neither one having sex (one couple for over 8 years). Both women tell the men why they aren't having sex--get off you ass and help around the house. One guy is threatening to have an affair--and there is proof of inappropriate IMing with other women. The other one is probably having one, but no proof.

They've been in crisis for YEARS. Why is it only now that one couple is looking into counseling and the other is just resigned herself (and her child) to a miserable marriage and home life.

Why don't couples seek help right at the beginning? Why wait until all the damage is done? if you were or are in a marriage in crisis, why did you wait?

This math seems off. If they were having trouble before kids, which was seven years ago, how could they have not had sex for more than eight years and have at least one child?

[Anonymous]

I realize now that we should have gone much earlier. At the time:

Not enough time to carve out an hour (and totally agree that getting divorced/single parenting makes that hour a week look laughable in terms of the time suck)
Thought we had a marriage that was super solid and just going through a lull
Didn't realize spouse was emotionally distant because of an emotional affair
Didn't realize that being incredibly bored in my marriage was making me difficult to live with
Spouse said: "therapy is only for weak people" (yeah, so I guess divorce is for the strong?)
Didn't realize that we only thought we were great communicators early in our marriage because we had no conflicts to work out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize now that we should have gone much earlier. At the time:

Not enough time to carve out an hour (and totally agree that getting divorced/single parenting makes that hour a week look laughable in terms of the time suck)
Thought we had a marriage that was super solid and just going through a lull
Didn't realize spouse was emotionally distant because of an emotional affair
Didn't realize that being incredibly bored in my marriage was making me difficult to live with
Spouse said: "therapy is only for weak people" (yeah, so I guess divorce is for the strong?)
Didn't realize that we only thought we were great communicators early in our marriage because we had no conflicts to work out

This. This was me. Only he agreed to the therapy for two sessions, but not to give up his affair.