MIL vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's all part of the personality trait that makes her generous and kind. The same part of her that offered her house is the same one that tells you about things, offers to do laundry, etc.

She wants to be helpful. Approach this another way and think up something you'd like her to do that she'd also like to help with.

Thank you. I'll try to refocus my energy that way. I just want my home back

OP, if it helps, those things would all run me the wrong way too. I think the above PP is right though, and best to channel that energy some way if you can. For instance, can she babysit so you and DH can get out a little? Win-win there to give you some space.

She will probably be glad to get her home back too--her routine is also disrupted and the over stepping may be her way of dealing with it, trying to manage what to her is an unpredictable situation.

This will pass. Be sure to give her a very nice thank you present!

+1

It's the accretion of her being all up in every part of your life that's bugging you. Even your underwear is not safe from her! Look at it not as your MIL but as a mom who has her son under her roof again. And you can view her like your Jeeves, reminding you of appointments and so on. It's not permanent.

My new mantra, "I like having a personal assistant. I like having a personal assistant." And thank you to the PP who mentioned a gift once we leave, it will NOT be a key to the new house

[Anonymous]

I get how you feel, OP. I need my privacy and my space, and need to be Alpha Female in the house. However, you accepted her generosity and you are staying in her house. The price you pay is that you give up your privacy and get some boundaries stepped on for this time. The benefits are that your kids and husband get more time with what sounds like a very nice and generous grandma/mom, and this woman who would probably do anything for you all gets some precious, brief time being more a part of their life again. Try to be generous in spirit, OP. Soon you'll have your life and home back to yourself. Think about how some day your kids will be on their own, with their partners, and you won't be allowed to be part of their lives anymore. You will probably have better boundaries, but still, it's a kind and generous thing to be gracious to her and find ways to vent your frustrations so none of this gets back to her. She'd probably be very hurt.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're in the wrong here. Just smile and say "Yep, thanks!" and keep going.

[Anonymous]

OP back. Thanks for the perspective. I appreciate the reminder that I need to just suck it up and be gracious.

DH and I have spent years setting appropriate boundaries with MIL so this is particularly hard. While we didn't ask if we could stay with her, we did accept her offer to do so while trying to sell our house. She used to regularly show up at our house, unannounced, and let herself in without knocking. She also used to show up at least once a week with dinner without being asked. While the dinner thing sounds nice in theory, it begins to feel like she assumes DH and I can't feed our own family when she doesn't ask first. When she overhears that we are doing something for friends who need help, she tries to take it over and help our friends for us (instead of us helping them - she tries to take over what we are doing to help people we care about). Then she goes around telling everyone how much we need her and how important it is to us to have her nearby - not in a "wow, DH and DIL are so fortunate" way but in a "wow, I don't know what they'd do without me" way.

I realize the above may sound ungrateful, but she "helps" by doing what she wants, whether you ask for it or want it or not. She doesn't respect it when you ask her not to do something.

So, I'll suck it up and pretend I'm staying with a kind and generous stranger and smile and say thank you to everything. It will be over soon and I'm learning even more about how to allow my future in-law kids their own space as adults!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To expand, she oversteps bounds. Asked not to wash our clothes (I don't want her washing my undies, sorry) she just waits until, we're out of the house, goes in to our room and takes our dirty laundry and washes it. She gave permission to have a couple of friends over to her house and then told me I should change the menu for what I had planned. Backstory ... Sick kid at school, they call DH who is unavailable and he calls MIL to say he's calling me (but to give her a heads up that DC is sick). I leave work but she leaves her house without being asked to and picks up sick kid when I'm on my way there without being asked to.

You are an asshole. I would give anything to have a relative who helps "too much."

[Anonymous]

OP, reading your update, I am surprised you took her up on her offer. You had to have some idea it would be like this. Free is often not "free"--and in this case the cost is loss of privacy and likely backsliding on all the good work you have done to set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, reading your update, I am surprised you took her up on her offer. You had to have some idea it would be like this. Free is often not "free"--and in this case the cost is loss of privacy and likely backsliding on all the good work you have done to set boundaries.

I agree. I'm actually sympathetic to OP, but there is NO WAY I would live with my in-laws even for a limited time.

[Anonymous]

kind of sounds like she wants to be, oh, I don't know, your family.

it doesn't sound like you appreciate her or her offer to live at her house at all

[Anonymous]

Stop nitpicking.

Minor annoyances are normal when everyone lives together. Either accept that as a part of life with otherwise great benefits, or move out.

[Anonymous]

Can I have your MIL? Send her over!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thanks for the perspective. I appreciate the reminder that I need to just suck it up and be gracious.

DH and I have spent years setting appropriate boundaries with MIL so this is particularly hard. While we didn't ask if we could stay with her, we did accept her offer to do so while trying to sell our house. She used to regularly show up at our house, unannounced, and let herself in without knocking. She also used to show up at least once a week with dinner without being asked. While the dinner thing sounds nice in theory, it begins to feel like she assumes DH and I can't feed our own family when she doesn't ask first. When she overhears that we are doing something for friends who need help, she tries to take it over and help our friends for us (instead of us helping them - she tries to take over what we are doing to help people we care about). Then she goes around telling everyone how much we need her and how important it is to us to have her nearby - not in a "wow, DH and DIL are so fortunate" way but in a "wow, I don't know what they'd do without me" way.

I realize the above may sound ungrateful, but she "helps" by doing what she wants, whether you ask for it or want it or not. She doesn't respect it when you ask her not to do something.

So, I'll suck it up and pretend I'm staying with a kind and generous stranger and smile and say thank you to everything. It will be over soon and I'm learning even more about how to allow my future in-law kids their own space as adults!

She feels there's a right way to do things. You disagree. That's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then move your cheap ungrateful ass to a hotel.

OMG, the woman did your laundry? She should keep her paws off your delicates!

Seriously, you are just looking for issues.

My mother ALWAYS asks before touching DH's underwear. It's private and she's not related to me. I guess I'm just ungrateful and should let her take over my family because she's letting us stay with her.

Then move in with your mother.

LOLOLOL!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. Thanks for the perspective. I appreciate the reminder that I need to just suck it up and be gracious.

DH and I have spent years setting appropriate boundaries with MIL so this is particularly hard. While we didn't ask if we could stay with her, we did accept her offer to do so while trying to sell our house. She used to regularly show up at our house, unannounced, and let herself in without knocking. She also used to show up at least once a week with dinner without being asked. While the dinner thing sounds nice in theory, it begins to feel like she assumes DH and I can't feed our own family when she doesn't ask first. When she overhears that we are doing something for friends who need help, she tries to take it over and help our friends for us (instead of us helping them - she tries to take over what we are doing to help people we care about). Then she goes around telling everyone how much we need her and how important it is to us to have her nearby - not in a "wow, DH and DIL are so fortunate" way but in a "wow, I don't know what they'd do without me" way.

I realize the above may sound ungrateful, but she "helps" by doing what she wants, whether you ask for it or want it or not. She doesn't respect it when you ask her not to do something.

So, I'll suck it up and pretend I'm staying with a kind and generous stranger and smile and say thank you to everything. It will be over soon and I'm learning even more about how to allow my future in-law kids their own space as adults!

But you knew all this before you took her up on her offer, so really the only aggreiving you is YOU. Not only that, but you took her up on her generosity when the fact is you sound like you cannot stand her, so you are perhaps being a bit of a user.HMMM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is very generous and "helpful". We are staying with her while we sell our house. Like I said, very generous. I realize we are lucky that she has welcomed us. That said, I just got home from work and she told me that there's a PTA meeting at my kids' school tonight and that DH is in the basement doing mortgage work on the computer. She said it like it would all be news to me. I know both of these things because it's my life. I know what is going on with my kids and DH. Ugh. And I just have to smile and be thankful that she's opened her house to us.

You're the problem, OP. Check that attitude fast. You are in someone else"s house so try not to be your normal bitchy self.

[Anonymous]

OP if you've had boundary issues with her for years, moving in with her was very unwise. Boundary issues are generally fed from both sides. It's rarely just one person's fault. When you move out, take a step back and re-examine what you and/or your husband are contributing to this unsatisfactory dynamic. You can't change her, but you can change yourselves.