MIL vent

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to lack a lot of perspective.

First of all, if you had boundary issues under your roof, what would make you consider that they would not be extrapolated under her roof? As much as you want your home back, she is very likely feeling the same way. But sh sounds like a generous and kind person so she is going to do her best to make a bad situation good.

Second, some of her "helping" may be her way of mitigating that inconvenience. Maybe she wants to do your laundry because you leave lint in the dryer, or the laundry room a mess, or do laundry at inconvenient hours. Maybe she doesn't want to tell you that you and your laundry are inconvenient, when it's easier for her to do it for you rather than treading on toes to explain the problem.

Maybe your hypes and said to his mother "tell larla when I get home I in the basement doing mortgage work".. We have a PTA meeting tonight I forgot about. She may not be being meddlesome, she sounds like she may have some anxiety about what is a unique situation- grown adults under your roof.

[Anonymous]

I can see where the OP is emotionally and why she's so frustrated.

She has no privacy. No personal space and she feels like her life is being micro managed by another woman. I get that. But I don't think your MIL is trying to make you feel that way at all. In fact, I think she's trying to make your life as easy as possible. She's inadvertently giving you a gift.

Let her do your laundry. It's making her feel like she's making a difference in your life and it's one less thing you need to do. I'm willing to bet she's seen a pair of ladies panties before.
Let her help with DC when the child is sick at school. It gives you the opportunity to do something else that NEEDS to be done without worry about DC's care.
Instead of looking at what she's taking away from you, look at how much free time she's giving you to hunt for a new house, talk to brokers about a mortgage, lingering in potential neighborhoods and get a feel for your soon to be neighbors, make extra money and plan your new home decor on Pinterest. Take a yoga class, cooking class, whatever you WANT to do with the gift of time you've been given.

Beyond that, stop looking at her as your MIL or 'the other woman'. Take this woman to lunch or shopping and spend some girl time with her. Start looking at her as a friend. I'm willing to bet under all this smothering you think she's doing, you'll discover she adores you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get it. My MIL is kind of the same way. She acts nice and helpful but that is because she relishes being "the mom." And since she's not my mom, and she's not my kid's mom, and because my husband's primary relationship is with me, when she's acting like "the mom" she is walking all over the boundaries we should have between her and us as a married couple and as parents of our own children. It's annoying when she's in my house....it would be a million times worse if we had to stay in her house for any significant period of time. You already have a loss of control, not having your own home--feeling like someone else is encroaching on your role as a wife and mother (even if well-intended) has got to be annoying as hell. Vent away. It's tough to live with someone who doesn't respect you--and it's totally possible for her to love you, and to want to be helpful, but to not respect you--to perceive you more like a child, as your husband is to her, and not as an equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you've had boundary issues with her for years, moving in with her was very unwise. Boundary issues are generally fed from both sides. It's rarely just one person's fault. When you move out, take a step back and re-examine what you and/or your husband are contributing to this unsatisfactory dynamic. You can't change her, but you can change yourselves.

Re. Staying with her, hindsight is 20/20 ... Re. changing, we're moving out of state

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you've had boundary issues with her for years, moving in with her was very unwise. Boundary issues are generally fed from both sides. It's rarely just one person's fault. When you move out, take a step back and re-examine what you and/or your husband are contributing to this unsatisfactory dynamic. You can't change her, but you can change yourselves.

Re. Staying with her, hindsight is 20/20 ... Re. changing, we're moving out of state. Re. appreciation - I am headed to her house with flowers right now.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to the last to posters - they are really helpful. I'm trying to shift my thinking for the future.

[Anonymous]

Two not to

[Anonymous]

I'm a total MIL hater but in this instance I think she's just being a mom not a mil. Sorry op, cut her some slack. I think she's just trying to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I am trying to just take a deep breath and be grateful.