I wish my husband and I were friends again

[Anonymous]

I think carving out time for fun is a good idea, but marriage counseling might be in order too. It's just hard to tell from your post. Marriage counseling doesn't have to just be for couples who are on the verge of break up. I have zero intention of ever leaving my DH after more than a decade of marriage, and we both truly love each other, but we were becoming housemates and intimacy (both talking and sex) had basically disappeared. For us it wasn't just kids but other issues too from our backgrounds, plus some depression thrown into the mix. We did not feel like friends anymore. We are in counseling now (it took us a bit to find a good counselor we both liked) and it is helping A LOT. We are much closer, back to having excellent sex, etc. I agree that the years with small children are tough on a marriage but sometimes there might be more to it, and only you would know. But your guy sounds like a good guy and you sound loving too so I think things could improve.....

[Anonymous]

I say try to re-create your first date.

Go to the location where you first shared a romantic moment...Or at least somewhere similar to it.

Decide not to talk about the kids. Instead work on re-creating the memory of when you two first met each other and fell in love.

This will be a tangible reminder to both of you that there is more to your relationship than the kids and a clean home.

[Anonymous]

Update: So last night after the kids were in bed, we laid next to each other and talked about real estate. ( something we both enjoy) We watched a recent DC House Hunters and marveled at how expensive things have gotten in the past year. We talked about what houses we should have bought 5 years ago, then talked about dream houses. One step in a positive direction! Thanks guys.

[Anonymous]

There you go. Just make it a regular thing. And think up some new place to go together, or some new experiences to have together. Glad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been together 8 years. We have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old. Our problem is that we just don't talk anymore. We've tried date nights, but they are usually forced fun; it doesn't come natural. He believes that he is a great husband because he cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids etc. And he does do that. We have about a 60/40 split on housework and a 40/60 split on childcare. All of that works. In his eyes, that should make me happy. I tell him that I really do appreciate what he does, but I would rather have my best friend back than a clean house. I think that work+2 small kids+ life's stress has taken a toll and we don't know how to turn a new page.

The not-so-good news: I am afraid this is how marriage works and you just have to accept it. No one prepares you for this; no one ever tells you these hard facts during the excitement of the dating, engagement, and wedding blah blah blah. The fact is that this is post-1970s Western family life: careers, mortgages, kids, sex, all competing for the most elusive thing......TIME).

The good news: Like everyone else, you will have a chance at rekindling things as kids age, and as your finances improve, and as you can someday look back and feel proud together.

My assessment: Very few marriages tick all the romance boxes...very few...but you already have the essence of what marriage and family have evolved to being today. This is what you wanted, this is what you get.

[Anonymous]

One other practical idea you might try is a weekday breakfast date. For us kids are at school/childcare by 8AM, so about once a month we will have a breakfast date before heading to work. Winds up only putting us about 30min late to work (time made up either at end of day/some other time) but always seems to go really well because it's the start of the day and we're not tired yet

[Anonymous]

Do you have a TV show that you both like and can watch together? Snuggle up on the couch/bed after the kids are asleep. If you are super busy or stressed, pick a show that doesn't have a storyline that you have to follow every week. Sounds like House Hunter or International House Hunters might be good. Or Daily Show, Nightly Show or At Midnight. Shows that you can miss a few episodes and it won't matter.

Just staying physically connected can help the emotional connection.

PS-also remember to praise the behavior you want to encourage (and ignore the behavior you want to extinguish). So make sure you say something to DH about how much you enjoyed watching and talking about House Hunters. And men really like to know they's made you happy. It's amazing how something as simple as, "It made me really happy when we watched HH together. I had a smile on my face the next day just thinking about how we had a chance to snuggle and talk about our dreams." can really work to get them to change behavior.