I wish my husband and I were friends again

[Anonymous]

We've been together 8 years. We have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old. Our problem is that we just don't talk anymore. We've tried date nights, but they are usually forced fun; it doesn't come natural. He believes that he is a great husband because he cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids etc. And he does do that. We have about a 60/40 split on housework and a 40/60 split on childcare. All of that works. In his eyes, that should make me happy. I tell him that I really do appreciate what he does, but I would rather have my best friend back than a clean house. I think that work+2 small kids+ life's stress has taken a toll and we don't know how to turn a new page.

[Anonymous]

So often being fun together requires free time. I don't know about you guys, but I need some dead, unstructured time before I feel like I return to being myself. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been together 8 years. We have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old. Our problem is that we just don't talk anymore. We've tried date nights, but they are usually forced fun; it doesn't come natural. He believes that he is a great husband because he cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids etc. And he does do that. We have about a 60/40 split on housework and a 40/60 split on childcare. All of that works. In his eyes, that should make me happy. I tell him that I really do appreciate what he does, but I would rather have my best friend back than a clean house. I think that work+2 small kids+ life's stress has taken a toll and we don't know how to turn a new page.

I'll trade you, OP.

Carve out 15 minutes a day to chat even if it feels forced at first. It takes two to work on a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Are there things that you used to do that can be revived? My parents watched Sunday morning political shows together. Growing up, we knew never to disturb them. I think that was their "friendship" time. No kids. No chores. Just them, sharing the interests that brought them together in the first place.

Is there something that you could build in to your household routine that would feed the friendship piece?

One older couple I know belong to the same book club. They've been married over 50 years and their children are grown. This has been a way for them to rekindle the friendship aspect that you describe.

I really hope you are able to find something. It must be awful to miss your best friend, when he's right there next to you.

[Anonymous]

Here is the answer, OP. Do something NEW together. Couples need new shared experiences. And keep in mind that you've been going through the most demanding and marriage-killing phase of your life, which will eventually ease up, but meanwhile you have to keep perspective, keep positive, and do what you can to keep things going until you both have more energy and time for each other. Your husband sounds wonderful.

[Anonymous]

And another thing, stop making it about what you miss and what you don't have. It's right under your nose.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should not be your 'best friend'. That mentality will wear down a marriage like no other. Find a female BFF and let your husband be your husband. Trust me, it will save you from divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you do have a good husband.

Do you still like being around him? Are you both stretched pretty thin? I would try to find some little ways to bring yourselves back together but honestly hang in there. I hear it gets better when the youngest gets a little older!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should not be your 'best friend'. That mentality will wear down a marriage like no other. Find a female BFF and let your husband be your husband. Trust me, it will save you from divorce.

Really? My dh is my best friend. He's hilarious and fun and I love spending time with him. Isn't that a good marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should not be your 'best friend'. That mentality will wear down a marriage like no other. Find a female BFF and let your husband be your husband. Trust me, it will save you from divorce.

I am a husband. I consider my wife my best friend. It is one of the reasons that I would never leave her. On the other hand, my wife doesn't consider me her best friend. It hurts but I don't think she would ever do anything to deliberately hurt me and I don't think she would ever even consider leaving me.

Maybe men and women define friendship differently.

[Anonymous]

The toddler years are really tough on a couple. Most days it's just about getting the work done. When your youngest turns 4-5, you'll see that time and energy will open up for your relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's a rough time and I'm going through it right now too, though I am also concerned about a diminished of romantic/sexual connection. Recently, we decided to set aside fifteen-twenty minutes a day to talk about things that interest us (any tv we watch, sports, news of the day). It has helped a lot. Actually, we tend to talk while in bed at the end of the night when the kids are (finally!) in bed and it often leads to more intimate activities, which is great for me because I had become concerned about how infrequently we were having sex. Sometimes, we are just so tired that we might fall asleep mid-conversation, but at least we tried and got a little bit done. I recommend this as a first step if at all possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's a rough time and I'm going through it right now too, though I am also concerned about a diminished of romantic/sexual connection. Recently, we decided to set aside fifteen-twenty minutes a day to talk about things that interest us (any tv we watch, sports, news of the day). It has helped a lot. Actually, we tend to talk while in bed at the end of the night when the kids are (finally!) in bed and it often leads to more intimate activities, which is great for me because I had become concerned about how infrequently we were having sex. Sometimes, we are just so tired that we might fall asleep mid-conversation, but at least we tried and got a little bit done. I recommend this as a first step if at all possible.

I will talk to him about carving out time to talk. We are kind of the opposite of most people here in terms of sex. I am still very attracted to him sexually, and he to me. When we have nothing else, we can have sex, but that doesn't let me know how his day went or get me opening up about me. It's usually 1 to 2x /week when we are dead tired, and we fall asleep right afterward.

I have a few good woman friends, however I've never had a lot of women friends in my life. I'm not that type of person unfortunately. Since we met he has Always Been my best friend and I am pretty sure that I was his. I don't think that I've been replaced, in fact I know that I haven't. We both have a void.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you tried playing cards? I know it sounds cheesy but DH and I have a drink and play cards on Friday nights, and it really takes the pressure off conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried playing cards? I know it sounds cheesy but DH and I have a drink and play cards on Friday nights, and it really takes the pressure off conversation.

I have not. He's been asking me to teach him to play. Which games do you play?