Will my partner never be happy?

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, this sounds pretty much exactly what my spouse told me last weekend (except I do most of the chores OP mentioned). I guess I am one of these demanding megabitches. Here's my POV:

-- life is suffering. Happiness is an exception, not the norm. Sensitive people are brooding. We do not approach life like a dopey eager golden retriever.

-- for someone who is way harsher on myself than I ever am on others, when I'm being critical I'm already factoring in caring about someone's feelings and toning it down. It may come across as harsh, but you have little appreciation for how harsh I'm NOT being.

-- I don't need you to go easy on me. You can be direct. I can own my mistakes, and handle criticism without thinking, "how could you?" So why can't you?

-- I simply do not understand the life OP envisions. Why do I have to treat my spouse like my boss -- someone to tell white lies to, someone whose ego needs constant massage, someone whose incompetence must never be pointed out? I don't understand this vision of marriage. That isn't respect to me. That's servitude, and fear of retribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm, this sounds pretty much exactly what my spouse told me last weekend (except I do most of the chores OP mentioned). I guess I am one of these demanding megabitches. Here's my POV:

-- life is suffering. Happiness is an exception, not the norm. Sensitive people are brooding. We do not approach life like a dopey eager golden retriever.

-- for someone who is way harsher on myself than I ever am on others, when I'm being critical I'm already factoring in caring about someone's feelings and toning it down. It may come across as harsh, but you have little appreciation for how harsh I'm NOT being.

-- I don't need you to go easy on me. You can be direct. I can own my mistakes, and handle criticism without thinking, "how could you?" So why can't you?

-- I simply do not understand the life OP envisions. Why do I have to treat my spouse like my boss -- someone to tell white lies to, someone whose ego needs constant massage, someone whose incompetence must never be pointed out? I don't understand this vision of marriage. That isn't respect to me. That's servitude, and fear of retribution.

You sound like quite a prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm, this sounds pretty much exactly what my spouse told me last weekend (except I do most of the chores OP mentioned). I guess I am one of these demanding megabitches. Here's my POV:

-- life is suffering. Happiness is an exception, not the norm. Sensitive people are brooding. We do not approach life like a dopey eager golden retriever.

-- for someone who is way harsher on myself than I ever am on others, when I'm being critical I'm already factoring in caring about someone's feelings and toning it down. It may come across as harsh, but you have little appreciation for how harsh I'm NOT being.

-- I don't need you to go easy on me. You can be direct. I can own my mistakes, and handle criticism without thinking, "how could you?" So why can't you?

-- I simply do not understand the life OP envisions. Why do I have to treat my spouse like my boss -- someone to tell white lies to, someone whose ego needs constant massage, someone whose incompetence must never be pointed out? I don't understand this vision of marriage. That isn't respect to me. That's servitude, and fear of retribution.

Also, you probably have little appreciation for how much no one gives a shit about your baggage, and would prefer you to keep your mouth shut and suffer alone to the sound of the worlds tiniest violin.

[Anonymous]

oMG, I just realized I do come across as a dopey golden retriever?! And I'm the wife. My husband is the gloom and doom laden man who walks through life like a shadow. Maybe for a few of us, it is opposites attracting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, you remind me of my father. He was a great parent, worked his ass off, and had what could be best described as a demanding relationship with my mother. It was almost a joke that she had him by the balls by my siblings (we were in college/grad school when we noticed this occurring during visits home).

What we didn't know was that the divorce that he had spent nearly ten years planning. But when my sister finished her 2nd year, he basically sat the three of us down and laid it all out. He basically handed her the house, a chunk of his retirement account, paid alimony for 4 years and moved on. It was crazy, but I've never seen that man happier and we actually have a better relationship.

My mother is a complete mess. She went into blame mode and claimed he abandoned her after "forsaking her life for you kids." She is angry. Like angry, angry, angry. And she is unhappy but was kind of a grump about life (half glass empty and nothing is good enough mentality). She went back to college and is trying to find a job with no luck. She won't down size and is living on borrowed time in terms of financial planning. It's a mess and when you try to talk to her about anything -- even getting a therapist -- it's just a wave of rage.

I don't know how the man put up with it, but having had a kid and seeing friends struggle alone, I appreciate that he stuck with it and didn't leave when we were young.


Your mother sounds like a real piece of garbage. A warning to all men who even contemplate marrying demanding women.

Sorry for calling your mother a piece of garbage.

My mom has serious issues and chooses to blame others for her own unhappiness. She is a classic victim and it's sad because I can see as a mother how things went completely sideways for her and never, ever got back on track. She won't do the work and she's got plenty of people to blame. My sisters all refer to her as a cautionary tale. My mother spent most of our childhood wildly unhappy as a SAHM. She claimed that she couldn't work because "her girls needed her at home." But you know what? We didn't. Who wants to spend years with a person who is unhappily suffering for "your own good." It's unhappy. And you bet each of us went clear across the country the second we finished high school to get away from her.

But what would have been worse? If my father had left. I can almost guarantee we would have been stuck with our mother primarily (as the SAHM and "primary" caregiver) and would have had even less of a stable, sane influence on our lives. His choice was a selfless one and one I truly appreciate. I wanted to put that story out there because you hear about adult children of divorce taking it hard. Not all of us do. Sometimes, we get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm, this sounds pretty much exactly what my spouse told me last weekend (except I do most of the chores OP mentioned). I guess I am one of these demanding megabitches. Here's my POV:

-- life is suffering. Happiness is an exception, not the norm. Sensitive people are brooding. We do not approach life like a dopey eager golden retriever.

-- for someone who is way harsher on myself than I ever am on others, when I'm being critical I'm already factoring in caring about someone's feelings and toning it down. It may come across as harsh, but you have little appreciation for how harsh I'm NOT being.

-- I don't need you to go easy on me. You can be direct. I can own my mistakes, and handle criticism without thinking, "how could you?" So why can't you?

-- I simply do not understand the life OP envisions. Why do I have to treat my spouse like my boss -- someone to tell white lies to, someone whose ego needs constant massage, someone whose incompetence must never be pointed out? I don't understand this vision of marriage. That isn't respect to me. That's servitude, and fear of retribution.

People who try to be happy and take ownership of their actions and feelings are not "dopey"--what a sad example you are for your kids if you have them. What you don't understand is that most people find you horribly draining to be around. Always bitching, always negative. Nothing is ever find. And god knows nothing has ever made you truly happy. I am wondering if you are my husbands first wife? If so, thanks for lowering the bar so much. He thinks I walk on water because I am actually a driven AND happy person. I am betting you dont have a lot, if any, female friends. Beacuse you think they don't appreciate you being "Direct"- no dear. They just think you have a soul sucking personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hmmm, this sounds pretty much exactly what my spouse told me last weekend (except I do most of the chores OP mentioned). I guess I am one of these demanding megabitches. Here's my POV:

-- life is suffering. Happiness is an exception, not the norm. Sensitive people are brooding. We do not approach life like a dopey eager golden retriever.

-- for someone who is way harsher on myself than I ever am on others, when I'm being critical I'm already factoring in caring about someone's feelings and toning it down. It may come across as harsh, but you have little appreciation for how harsh I'm NOT being.

-- I don't need you to go easy on me. You can be direct. I can own my mistakes, and handle criticism without thinking, "how could you?" So why can't you?

-- I simply do not understand the life OP envisions. Why do I have to treat my spouse like my boss -- someone to tell white lies to, someone whose ego needs constant massage, someone whose incompetence must never be pointed out? I don't understand this vision of marriage. That isn't respect to me. That's servitude, and fear of retribution.

I feel for your children, PP. What a horrific environment to raise them in. And I bet you would fight tooth and nail to make sure you kept custody if your poor DH ever left you. Want to make sure you infect them with your toxic brand of negativity. Disgusting.