Will my partner never be happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ppl need to get out of troll-shaming every post that does not fit into your narrow relationship dynamic. Even if OP is a troll, there are men in this very situation!

So accept it for what it is and answer the man's questions....if you can't offer a shoulder of support, then STHU!

Who called troll? Nobody. What are you talking about??

[Anonymous]

A few times a month? That doesn't seem too bad. How is she criticizing you? Is it just whining that you forgot the bread at the store, or is it actually her going on a rant about your incompetency?

[Anonymous]

my DH was married to a woman like that once. He really though he could make her happy. Some people are just NEVER happy no matter what. He actually thought she might happy once they divorced since they both seemed to agree they werent very compatible to begin with and maybe got married to young. But now 6 years later she is still miserable. I have met her and without knowing me starts bitching about random stuff. Only has managed to keep friends for a very short period of time before there is some percieved slight or "falling out" she imagines. Its ALWAYS something. So OP its a moving target. You could do more around the house but she would find something. I know some folks have mentioned depression but sometimes its just a shitty personality and all the meds in the world won't fix that. Unfortuantely for you, if you divorce her she will get joint custody and is that worse for your kids to be around her without you as a buffer? I hate to say that but its the reality.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are in an abusive relationship and you are codependent. You sound exactly like my friend. You need therapy. Your wife is never going to change and you need help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your list of chores you do isn't that long. Who cleans the rest of the house? Bathroom? Living room? Bedrooms? Yard? Who puts the kids to bed?

+1. Who manages the money, does home maintenance, kid baths, purchases kid clothing and supplies, plans dates, vacations, holidays, and family events, car maintenance, sick kids and appointments, etc. Unless she has significantly more free time than you do, you're probably both working equally hard. Why is it that you can't get your stuff done without staying up too late? It doesn't sound abnormal for a two-parent-working family. Welcome to pulling your weight in the household!

Is the real issue that you're working too hard, or that you don't like the way she talks to you?

Most of the things you mentioned aren't daily tasks. I doubt either of them are doing repairs and most of these "chores" are outsourced to someone else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my DH was married to a woman like that once. He really though he could make her happy. Some people are just NEVER happy no matter what. He actually thought she might happy once they divorced since they both seemed to agree they werent very compatible to begin with and maybe got married to young. But now 6 years later she is still miserable. I have met her and without knowing me starts bitching about random stuff. Only has managed to keep friends for a very short period of time before there is some percieved slight or "falling out" she imagines. Its ALWAYS something. So OP its a moving target. You could do more around the house but she would find something. I know some folks have mentioned depression but sometimes its just a shitty personality and all the meds in the world won't fix that. Unfortuantely for you, if you divorce her she will get joint custody and is that worse for your kids to be around her without you as a buffer? I hate to say that but its the reality.

Oh wow this describes my DH'S ex to a T!! Which makes my life easy...all I have to do is not be a megabitch constantly and he thinks I walk on water

[Anonymous]

As a sometimes unhappy person, the first thing I want to clarify is that you cannot make another person happy. You can influence their environment, but not their perception of it. It is not confrontational to tell your partner that when you do help it is to your standards and within your capacity. If those standards are unacceptable then you will gladly allow the other partner to do things her way. The point is to be honest and remind her that the alternative is really less attractive. I'm betting the criticism is actually a symptom of other things. You are a target because she feels safe venting at you, but you are not the problem and she knows it. She may be tired, bored, sad at what her life could have been? She may just be isolated with two people (kids) far below her intellectual level? She may be in mommy mode 24/7 and your her third child? Regardless, you need to vocalize what she is doing and tell her it is counter productive. Repeat until she begins to self correct her behavior. If you want her to be happy you have to tell her in words that she needs to find something she can claim as her own. A job. A hobby. Something that is not dictated by others. And she needs to exercise. You cannot correct a situation that you do not address. You must demand recognition as an equal. You must remind her that you each are different but that is a positive.

[Anonymous]

Hey, but at least OP is getting tons is sex, since he does so much housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, she won't ever be satisfied. So staying up until all hours tap dancing your head off to please her is self-destructive.
You can only change your own behavior, so stop tap dancing and get some counseling to build yourself up. You sound selfless, but to your own detriment, and need to change your focus from desperately trying to make your DW happy to building a healthier dynamic.

+1


Seen this dynamic too many times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are in an abusive relationship and you are codependent. You sound exactly like my friend. You need therapy. Your wife is never going to change and you need help

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your list of chores you do isn't that long. Who cleans the rest of the house? Bathroom? Living room? Bedrooms? Yard? Who puts the kids to bed?

+1. Who manages the money, does home maintenance, kid baths, purchases kid clothing and supplies, plans dates, vacations, holidays, and family events, car maintenance, sick kids and appointments, etc. Unless she has significantly more free time than you do, you're probably both working equally hard. Why is it that you can't get your stuff done without staying up too late? It doesn't sound abnormal for a two-parent-working family. Welcome to pulling your weight in the household!

Is the real issue that you're working too hard, or that you don't like the way she talks to you?

Most of the things you mentioned aren't daily tasks. I doubt either of them are doing repairs and most of these "chores" are outsourced to someone else to do.

Why can't women like the first PP just accept that sometimes, one of the "sisters" is just a terrible person?

[Anonymous]

Victuals? I had to look that one up.

Anyway...based on what you said your wife is a controlling person and you over compensate, for whatever reason, way too much in too many areas of your life.

You can be more balanced and happier in the process but you will likely only do so if you get some professional assistance.

[Anonymous]

OP, you remind me of my father. He was a great parent, worked his ass off, and had what could be best described as a demanding relationship with my mother. It was almost a joke that she had him by the balls by my siblings (we were in college/grad school when we noticed this occurring during visits home).

What we didn't know was that the divorce that he had spent nearly ten years planning. But when my sister finished her 2nd year, he basically sat the three of us down and laid it all out. He basically handed her the house, a chunk of his retirement account, paid alimony for 4 years and moved on. It was crazy, but I've never seen that man happier and we actually have a better relationship.

My mother is a complete mess. She went into blame mode and claimed he abandoned her after "forsaking her life for you kids." She is angry. Like angry, angry, angry. And she is unhappy but was kind of a grump about life (half glass empty and nothing is good enough mentality). She went back to college and is trying to find a job with no luck. She won't down size and is living on borrowed time in terms of financial planning. It's a mess and when you try to talk to her about anything -- even getting a therapist -- it's just a wave of rage.

I don't know how the man put up with it, but having had a kid and seeing friends struggle alone, I appreciate that he stuck with it and didn't leave when we were young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle age man married to the only woman I've ever loved. We met in grad school and have been married for a while now. We have 2 beautiful and amazing kids aged 5 and 3. She's always been demanding, to be sure, and I have always been willing to adapt to meet demands. That was always part of our dynamic. But that dynamic has declined over the years. At this point, I cook every meal for us, drop off and pick up the kids every day to and from daycare, clean the kitchen and dining room at least twice a day, and get groceries and victuals every single week. She does a lot of the laundry and I put it away (I've told the kids this is a game and it has taken so...). I'll be damned if I do not get harangues, at least a few times a month, about how what I do is not being done correctly, and about how I can do better. I have a full time job and I stay up until all hours of the early morning to make sure I am being conscientious. As I sit here typing this I am in tears because I don't think I will ever be good enough for her. I don't even want answers at this point but I had to tell someone that this is just a really painful set of feelings to endure all at once. I know I'll get ripped to shreds by the DCUM angry people but I don't care. It was worth it just to have some trace of my feelings somewhere outside of this house.
--Sleepless in Southeast

You're the bitch. With a penis. Who jumps and dances on command. I highly suspect she doesn't (want to) fuck you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you remind me of my father. He was a great parent, worked his ass off, and had what could be best described as a demanding relationship with my mother. It was almost a joke that she had him by the balls by my siblings (we were in college/grad school when we noticed this occurring during visits home).

What we didn't know was that the divorce that he had spent nearly ten years planning. But when my sister finished her 2nd year, he basically sat the three of us down and laid it all out. He basically handed her the house, a chunk of his retirement account, paid alimony for 4 years and moved on. It was crazy, but I've never seen that man happier and we actually have a better relationship.

My mother is a complete mess. She went into blame mode and claimed he abandoned her after "forsaking her life for you kids." She is angry. Like angry, angry, angry. And she is unhappy but was kind of a grump about life (half glass empty and nothing is good enough mentality). She went back to college and is trying to find a job with no luck. She won't down size and is living on borrowed time in terms of financial planning. It's a mess and when you try to talk to her about anything -- even getting a therapist -- it's just a wave of rage.

I don't know how the man put up with it, but having had a kid and seeing friends struggle alone, I appreciate that he stuck with it and didn't leave when we were young.

Your mother sounds like a real piece of garbage. A warning to all men who even contemplate marrying demanding women.

Sorry for calling your mother a piece of garbage.