Will my partner never be happy?
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Anonymous
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I am a middle age man married to the only woman I've ever loved. We met in grad school and have been married for a while now. We have 2 beautiful and amazing kids aged 5 and 3. She's always been demanding, to be sure, and I have always been willing to adapt to meet demands. That was always part of our dynamic. But that dynamic has declined over the years. At this point, I cook every meal for us, drop off and pick up the kids every day to and from daycare, clean the kitchen and dining room at least twice a day, and get groceries and victuals every single week. She does a lot of the laundry and I put it away (I've told the kids this is a game and it has taken so...). I'll be damned if I do not get harangues, at least a few times a month, about how what I do is not being done correctly, and about how I can do better. I have a full time job and I stay up until all hours of the early morning to make sure I am being conscientious. As I sit here typing this I am in tears because I don't think I will ever be good enough for her. I don't even want answers at this point but I had to tell someone that this is just a really painful set of feelings to endure all at once. I know I'll get ripped to shreds by the DCUM angry people but I don't care. It was worth it just to have some trace of my feelings somewhere outside of this house.
--Sleepless in Southeast |
Anonymous
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Yeah, I agree, the DCUM people are really going to rip you up here. You seem like the person that maybe can't really take that too well, so I'm not totally convinced this isn't some sort of troll....
I think you know what you need to do, "man up". You've got to stand up for yourself, or she'll just keep walking all over you. Even the reference to a rom-com is a bit much. You're in tears too? I guess maybe that's from frustration? Has the relationship always been like this? Has she always been the dominant one? Maybe she wants you to be more manly, more agressive, someone she can respect a bit more. Go to the gym, get buff. Get a new red spots car, have a mid-life crisis or something. Grow a beard. |
Anonymous
| Your list of chores you do isn't that long. Who cleans the rest of the house? Bathroom? Living room? Bedrooms? Yard? Who puts the kids to bed? |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you're the main parent. Is it possible you're more traditional than you realized and that's why this is upsetting to you?
My DH and I agreed before having kids that he would be the main parent. He's 10x the cook I am. I barely ever go in the kitchen except for drinks. |
Anonymous
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I think the main issue here PP's is that the OP doesn't feel he is measuring up to the high bar his wife has set. He feels physically + mentally drained from doing his best at everything, yet not being validated for any of it.
OP: I am sorry you are feeling this way. With the passage of time, people sometimes begin taking each other for granted and marriages can get very stale. Have you told your wife just how hurtful it is to you when she talks to you the way she does?? If so, what is her response? Perhaps your wife is suffering from depression. A lot of people who are depressed act out like your wife does. Do you think she would be willing to seek help w/your support? |
Anonymous
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No, she won't ever be satisfied. So staying up until all hours tap dancing your head off to please her is self-destructive.
You can only change your own behavior, so stop tap dancing and get some counseling to build yourself up. You sound selfless, but to your own detriment, and need to change your focus from desperately trying to make your DW happy to building a healthier dynamic. |
Anonymous
| Also - your post seems like it is written by a DW -- did you switch genders to disguise yourself? It's very unusual for a man to talk about being "in tears" -- it's a very feminine way to express one's self. But whether you are a man or woman, my advice would be the same. Therapy - couples, but also for yourself. |
Anonymous
| Op- you described my life. I've been married 18 years. My husband has always been ambitious and a hard worker and somewhat demanding--but he grew increasingly critical over the years. I WAH full-time and do 95% of kid and house duties and he will always focus in on one or two minor things that in his mind I'm doing wrong. It's hard for him to relax. We are working on it. I draw the line when he is critical and overly-demanding of our kids that excel in school, sports, manners, etc. teachers, coaches, other kid's parents sing their praises and he always is on their ass. I have told him in no certain times to chill the f@ck out. He is beginning to recognize it. Life is too short to sweat little insignificant shit. |
Anonymous
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OP you have two choices. Work on your marriage and demand that your wife do the same (namely treating each other with respect because that is the thread of your issues here) or just get a divorce. You can clearly single parent and keep the kids healthy happy and safe. So see if you can salvage your marriage and live a happy long life.
Honestly, if you wife isn't willing to do the work to treat you with respect, you need to file and take a stand for yourself. Because people who are run down like this in a way choose that life. That said, there are certain economic aspects of divorce that aren't great, particularly with kids. If you don't want to have to support two households via child support, you might want to grin and bear it and file the second the youngest finishes high school. I've seen this scenario play out and for the men it turns out fairly well. The kids will hate it as young adults but get over it, particularly when they get married/have children of their own. |
Anonymous
+1. Who manages the money, does home maintenance, kid baths, purchases kid clothing and supplies, plans dates, vacations, holidays, and family events, car maintenance, sick kids and appointments, etc. Unless she has significantly more free time than you do, you're probably both working equally hard. Why is it that you can't get your stuff done without staying up too late? It doesn't sound abnormal for a two-parent-working family. Welcome to pulling your weight in the household! Is the real issue that you're working too hard, or that you don't like the way she talks to you? |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
PP here -- this post came out snarkier than I meant it too, sorry. It was the middle of the night and I was up with insomnia! 
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Anonymous
Mistake #1 |
Anonymous
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I have a chronically unhappy partner too, OP. I know how you feel. Sometimes it's soul-crushing and just so depressing. Those times, I start looking at apartment ads on craigslist. It hasn't come to that...yet...because although my partner is chronically unhappy, most of the time things are OK and it would be much harder to be a single mom. That is to say, the juice is still worth the squeeze. I'm not sure this will always be true.
Anyway, commiserating with you, OP. Hope things get better. |
Anonymous
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You ppl need to get out of troll-shaming every post that does not fit into your narrow relationship dynamic. Even if OP is a troll, there are men in this very situation!
So accept it for what it is and answer the man's questions....if you can't offer a shoulder of support, then STHU! |