Picky-eating DCs and Judgmental Grandparents - help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why in the world are you sending them there for two weeks if you're terrified to talk to your parents about your kids eating habits? Sounds like it's going to be miserable for you kids.

Great opportunity for kids (they will get to spend a week at the beach on each coast) and DH and I will be taking care of a cross-country move in the meantime.

I have a child with a severe eating disorder who had to spend two weeks with my MIL who didn't believe in eating disorders. It wasn't optional - not for a vacation or even an amazing experience. She knew what I/ we had to say about it because my son was 5 at the time. I shared the list of foods he could and would eat and then I had to let it go. After a few days she couldn't stand to watch him not eat so she gave in. I explained to my kids that their grandmother was likely to feed them different than we did and they would have to live with it. If there was a real problem they could call - but truth was, we weren't very accessible by phone. I did get a few calls and tried to intervene as best as I could.

In the long run, no harm done and I really appreciate MIL for being available to us during this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, to answer your question, I would have one conversation with them about it. Keep calm, don't engage if they get excited. Everyone deserves at least one explanation! They should get one. They will probably think you're nuts (like I do) but at least you won't have anything to reproach yourself with since you'll have done your best.

OK seriously, on what basis do you think I am nuts? Did you even bother to look into the basics of DOR before saying that?

Because I've been around the block a few times, and anytime someone has to label a parenting philosophy, it usually turns out to be a trend that peters out. Being a research scientist, I appreciate your claim that this approach is evidence-based and has research behind it. And no, I don't have time right now to analyze the merits of this research. I totally understand how attractive new parenting philosophies are, particularly the ones at the opposite spectrum of how you were raised yourself - notice there is a need for self-analysis there.
I preach moderation in all things. I was smothered by a mother who was neglected by her parents, and have observed that most parenting mistakes stem from gut reactions of parents who wish to avoid the mistakes their own parents make. Moderation will skirt those pitfalls. No need for fancy labels, just use your common sense.

And yes, you did need to point out you wanted your kids to have an all-access relationship with your parents (two weeks without you!), despite the food issue. Often, relationship problems cannot be limited to one category, and conflicts pop up all over the place. This will happen for sure if your children are used to greater flexibility than what they might encounter at your parents'.

+ a million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks of eating what Grandma says is not likely to ruin your two years of parenting.

As frustrating as it is, I would let it go and embrace this as an opportunity to teach your children about politeness and respecting authority. "When in Grandma's house, Grandma's rules apply."

Op here. That is the approach I've been taking. Questioning whether it is a cop out and I am doign my kids a disservice.

I agree with the PP you quoted. Your kids will be fine for two weeks.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a mediator AND I have a very difficult (mentally ill) mother, so I am an expert diplomat First of all, I would NOT go down the route of explaining your "philosophy." I respect whatever you want to do with your kids, and they should too, but to be blunt, people who talk about their "philosophies" especially if they have names, seem a little overzealous. (For the record, I think you sound perfectly sane and I don't even know what this type of eating is. I'm just trying to be honest).

I would assume you will probably write out some instructions for the Grandparents? Bedtime routines, etc? If you do, in this document I would include a "meal times" bullet and simply say "We encourage vegetables and healthy eating, but we don't force the kids to eat them or finish their plate. For your sanity, you may not want to fight that battle." Maybe if you frame it like a helpful tip in order to avoid tantrums it would be better received.

It seems the the only thing that could be unpleasant for your kids is being forced to eat things they don't like. I would completely let go of the dessert and junk food issue and focus on what is actually a concern, which is your child's comfort. Junk won't kill them for two weeks.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, to answer your question, I would have one conversation with them about it. Keep calm, don't engage if they get excited. Everyone deserves at least one explanation! They should get one. They will probably think you're nuts (like I do) but at least you won't have anything to reproach yourself with since you'll have done your best.

OK seriously, on what basis do you think I am nuts? Did you even bother to look into the basics of DOR before saying that?

Because I've been around the block a few times, and anytime someone has to label a parenting philosophy, it usually turns out to be a trend that peters out. Being a research scientist, I appreciate your claim that this approach is evidence-based and has research behind it. And no, I don't have time right now to analyze the merits of this research. I totally understand how attractive new parenting philosophies are, particularly the ones at the opposite spectrum of how you were raised yourself - notice there is a need for self-analysis there.
I preach moderation in all things. I was smothered by a mother who was neglected by her parents, and have observed that most parenting mistakes stem from gut reactions of parents who wish to avoid the mistakes their own parents make. Moderation will skirt those pitfalls. No need for fancy labels, just use your common sense.

And yes, you did need to point out you wanted your kids to have an all-access relationship with your parents (two weeks without you!), despite the food issue. Often, relationship problems cannot be limited to one category, and conflicts pop up all over the place. This will happen for sure if your children are used to greater flexibility than what they might encounter at your parents'.

I think I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About a year ago my mom and I had an epic fight that nearly ended our relationship and began when she told me I was letting my kids parent themselves when it came to food.

Food is not worth this.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth do people make such a big deal out of food?? Seriously. The kids will be fine and they won't starve. Stop stressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks of eating what Grandma says is not likely to ruin your two years of parenting.

As frustrating as it is, I would let it go and embrace this as an opportunity to teach your children about politeness and respecting authority. "When in Grandma's house, Grandma's rules apply."

Op here. That is the approach I've been taking. Questioning whether it is a cop out and I am doign my kids a disservice.

I agree with the PP you quoted. Your kids will be fine for two weeks.

I agree too.

By doing your kids a disservice, do you mean that you're worried their eating will be ruined when they come back to you or that your parents will be so unreasonable that the children will be unnecessarily unhappy? In either case, working out a way of explaining to them that the rules at Grandma's house are different than home will probably help.

I have a scenario that's different from yours, but where that approach has come in handy. Love my ILs, but their views of feeding children are quite different from mine. MIL will make endless offerings of "kid food" for my incredibly picky niece who lives locally, even if child says ok for one thing but then changes her mind once it's served. Nana will start cooking again. Vs. at our house, the child eats the same meal we do - she has to at least try everything, but we don't force her to eat any amount beyond that if she doesn't want to. (And will reintroduce it in later meals to get her used to the taste, etc.) She gets dessert regardless if it's part of the planned meal. But at the IL's they feed her a ton of dessert and snacks and "kid friendly" food (lots of processed stuff). It's a visit, so in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal, but we've had to make clear to 3yo dd that what happens at Nana's stays at Nana's and she has always been fine switching back to regular mealtimes with normal food (and no endless flow of dessert, ha!)

The only thing we asked for and they've been super cooperative about is to not feed her meat since we're vegetarian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why in the world are you sending them there for two weeks if you're terrified to talk to your parents about your kids eating habits? Sounds like it's going to be miserable for you kids.

Seriously! Free babysitting still comes with a price, OP.

[Anonymous]

If you can't trust them to make good decisions for your children, then your kids shouldn't be staying there FOR TWO WEEKS.

They don't need to do everything as you do. Give them tips/suggestions/guidelines, and then either accept that they will do what they think is best, or keep the kids with you.

[Anonymous]

Also, don't put an explanation in an email. it will come off as rude and patronizing. Have a conversation or keep your kids with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not write an email and I probably wouldn't bring it up if you've already had that discussion. They know your beliefs on this matter.

I don't know your parents but if they're like most grandparents they will spoil their grandchildren and that means they'll probably be more flexible with the meals once they are the ones in charge. I would call after the first day the kids stay there and ask about meal time. If at that point they are being rigid and forcing them to eat all the beets in the plate then at that point I would express my beliefs again. If they show themselves to be inflexible and your children are having a difficult time during meals then I would pick up the kids early.

My MIL and I have butted head about these kind of things, but over time we've both become more flexible about what the kids eat whether they are at her place or at home.

Yeah, that's the problem. They combine the worst of all worlds. Force feed the beets and offer candy and dessert constantly. But also, I think the problem is I have never tried to explain my beliefs to them. They really do not understand. I have just always assumed they would not understand no matter what I said, and have tried to protect myself by not bothering. But now I'm questioning whether I need to take that risk, for my kids' sake.

Honestly, there really is no point in trying to explain. It's going to make both sides defensive and upset over what really does not have to be a big deal.
I say this as middle-aged person with a diverse pallet, but was an EXTREMELY picky eater as a kid. As a kid, there were times I was made to eat a few things I did not like and it did not kill me. Other times, I just would not eat, if what was being offered was not to my liking. That did not kill me either. Don't over think it, seriously, they will all be fine. Your kids will eat stuff for them, they never have with you and they will also eat some crap you would never dream of giving them. They will have a great adventure with their GP''s and your parents will realize that dealing with picky eaters is not as simple as they thought. RELAX!
If they love your kids and you trust that they will not MISTREAT them, then let them find their way together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think that they will force foods in a way that will have a negative long term effect on the kids? Serious question. I wonder if perhaps it won't be as bad you think because as grandparents, they will find different and more fun ways to cajole your kids to eat than are reasonable for you.

Case in point, we follow DOR in my house but don't ask the grandparents to do the same. This weekend after DS had barely eaten all day and was refusing offers to sit at the table and eat, I told my mom to be in charge of feeding him. I'm not sure exactly what she did but it resulted in him polishing off a massive plate of food. I'm pretty sure he ate the whole thing while swinging on his swing set.

Of course, it only makes sense to back off and let them find their own way if you trust them not to do anything that will hurt/endanger or ruin the relationship with the kids. Assuming that, let it go, it's just two weeks.

I was delighted when my mom told me recently after spending a weekend with my kids that they loved beets! Until DS told me he was bribed to eat the beets and could I please tell grandma he does not have to eat them. But yeah, it's just 2 weeks and not the end of the world if DS hates beets for the rest of his life. I think what I really want is for someone to tell me I should not fight this battle and it is not just my desire to avoid conflict talking.

OP - SERIOUSLY -- RELAX!
RE-LAX!!
It's not that big of a deal. You are going to give yourself a panic attack and cause your kids to have eating disorders (half-joking).
Picky eating is just something to work through, it does not have to be a life-time calling with prolonged, researched strategies. Your kids will be fine with grandma, and I bet they will eat a bunch of food you cannot get them to eat. Your kids pick up on your anxiety surrounding this...less so with grandma(whose been around the block before with dealing with kids) - and they know grandma means business...and a treat may be the result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do people make such a big deal out of food?? Seriously. The kids will be fine and they won't starve. Stop stressing.

Because its not about food. It's about control. New parents often think they've found the best way to raise their kids and grandparents often want to do whatever they want. If you read between the lines, many of the IL horror stories are really just power struggles.

[Anonymous]

I'd send along a list of foods each kid likes, and those you know they won't usually eat, and let them go.