Picky-eating DCs and Judgmental Grandparents - help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, to answer your question, I would have one conversation with them about it. Keep calm, don't engage if they get excited. Everyone deserves at least one explanation! They should get one. They will probably think you're nuts (like I do) but at least you won't have anything to reproach yourself with since you'll have done your best.

OK seriously, on what basis do you think I am nuts? Did you even bother to look into the basics of DOR before saying that?

[Anonymous]

Two weeks of eating what Grandma says is not likely to ruin your two years of parenting.

As frustrating as it is, I would let it go and embrace this as an opportunity to teach your children about politeness and respecting authority. "When in Grandma's house, Grandma's rules apply."

[Anonymous]

Do you think that they will force foods in a way that will have a negative long term effect on the kids? Serious question. I wonder if perhaps it won't be as bad you think because as grandparents, they will find different and more fun ways to cajole your kids to eat than are reasonable for you.

Case in point, we follow DOR in my house but don't ask the grandparents to do the same. This weekend after DS had barely eaten all day and was refusing offers to sit at the table and eat, I told my mom to be in charge of feeding him. I'm not sure exactly what she did but it resulted in him polishing off a massive plate of food. I'm pretty sure he ate the whole thing while swinging on his swing set.

Of course, it only makes sense to back off and let them find their own way if you trust them not to do anything that will hurt/endanger or ruin the relationship with the kids. Assuming that, let it go, it's just two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, to answer your question, I would have one conversation with them about it. Keep calm, don't engage if they get excited. Everyone deserves at least one explanation! They should get one. They will probably think you're nuts (like I do) but at least you won't have anything to reproach yourself with since you'll have done your best.

OK seriously, on what basis do you think I am nuts? Did you even bother to look into the basics of DOR before saying that?

Because I've been around the block a few times, and anytime someone has to label a parenting philosophy, it usually turns out to be a trend that peters out. Being a research scientist, I appreciate your claim that this approach is evidence-based and has research behind it. And no, I don't have time right now to analyze the merits of this research. I totally understand how attractive new parenting philosophies are, particularly the ones at the opposite spectrum of how you were raised yourself - notice there is a need for self-analysis there.
I preach moderation in all things. I was smothered by a mother who was neglected by her parents, and have observed that most parenting mistakes stem from gut reactions of parents who wish to avoid the mistakes their own parents make. Moderation will skirt those pitfalls. No need for fancy labels, just use your common sense.

And yes, you did need to point out you wanted your kids to have an all-access relationship with your parents (two weeks without you!), despite the food issue. Often, relationship problems cannot be limited to one category, and conflicts pop up all over the place. This will happen for sure if your children are used to greater flexibility than what they might encounter at your parents'.

[Anonymous]

So your assessment is based on the fact that this feeding philosophy has a name. Mmmk. Let me know when you have time to give me your expert opinion on the research, I am holding my breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks of eating what Grandma says is not likely to ruin your two years of parenting.

As frustrating as it is, I would let it go and embrace this as an opportunity to teach your children about politeness and respecting authority. "When in Grandma's house, Grandma's rules apply."

Op here. That is the approach I've been taking. Questioning whether it is a cop out and I am doign my kids a disservice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think that they will force foods in a way that will have a negative long term effect on the kids? Serious question. I wonder if perhaps it won't be as bad you think because as grandparents, they will find different and more fun ways to cajole your kids to eat than are reasonable for you.

Case in point, we follow DOR in my house but don't ask the grandparents to do the same. This weekend after DS had barely eaten all day and was refusing offers to sit at the table and eat, I told my mom to be in charge of feeding him. I'm not sure exactly what she did but it resulted in him polishing off a massive plate of food. I'm pretty sure he ate the whole thing while swinging on his swing set.

Of course, it only makes sense to back off and let them find their own way if you trust them not to do anything that will hurt/endanger or ruin the relationship with the kids. Assuming that, let it go, it's just two weeks.

I was delighted when my mom told me recently after spending a weekend with my kids that they loved beets! Until DS told me he was bribed to eat the beets and could I please tell grandma he does not have to eat them. But yeah, it's just 2 weeks and not the end of the world if DS hates beets for the rest of his life. I think what I really want is for someone to tell me I should not fight this battle and it is not just my desire to avoid conflict talking.

[Anonymous]

Give your mom a copy of the book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks of eating what Grandma says is not likely to ruin your two years of parenting.

As frustrating as it is, I would let it go and embrace this as an opportunity to teach your children about politeness and respecting authority. "When in Grandma's house, Grandma's rules apply."

I agree. I would just make sure Grandma doesn't plan to do anything too crazy like make them sit at the table all night until they choke down everything on their plate, or, like pp said, keep bringing out the same plate for every meal. Otherwise, I can't think of any other mealtime strategy or situation that would be a total deal breaker for me. My3yo son is a very picky eater. When he stayed with his aunt for a week, I gave her a list of his favorite foods (per her request), but also told her to do whatever she needs to do to feed him and the rest of her family. I didn't expect her to make a special meal for him every night. It worked out fine.

Oh and OP, I really don't think you should lay out your philosophy in a long email. At this point, your mom may want to avoid conflict as well, seeing as though the last discussion nearly ended the relationship. So bring it up briefly. Explain that you have decided to go with offering them food, and letting them choose what to eat among what's offered. Tell her that's what they're used to, but they know they have to follow grandma's rules at grandma's house. Try to determine whether your mom will do anything you absolutely won't allow (like forcing them to choke down foods they dislike). If you think she'll do something like that, then don't let the kids go. That's how I'd handle it, anyway.

[Anonymous]

"Tell her that's what they're used to, but they know they have to follow grandma's rules at grandma's house."

This is a great way to say it. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

"I think what I really want is for someone to tell me I should not fight this battle and it is not just my desire to avoid conflict talking."


You should not, it is not, and you're doing fine. Really.

[Anonymous]

Well, I can tell you what I did with this EXACT same situation -- although my parents aren't a-holes or bulldozers... so maybe not exactly.

I gave them a heads up that so and so was a picky eater, unlike me as a kid, who ate enough of most things so-as not to cause alarm about complete lack of vegetables. Did they want to know more?

Yes.

So then I told them. I said that we have tried to encourage so and so to eat more vegetables and novel things, but she refused, it was the source of great acrimony, and I did believe she truly hated them. And I could relate, because when I was pregnant, things that I used to love or at least didn't mind, actually repulsed me. As a pregnant woman, I had the eating inclinations of my 7 year old: white bread, mild cheese, citrus everything, ice cream any time. Green vegetables and anything with meaty or pungent flavors ore smells were O.U.T of the question.

And then I told them how I handled so and so's eating. It wasn't my first choice, because I would have loved to have hear eat veg, but it did satisfy another goal: avoiding nightly fights around the table. So if grandma was starting to have these fights, she might consider the strategy I landed on--or not. It was up to her.

But who knows? Maybe so and so would find G-mas cooking amazing and she'd try something new without me probing and pushing.

And then I let it be.

Later, in a Skype session, I saw my kids going to the grandparents' fridge to help themselves to chocolate pudding for breakfast. The kids reported no tantrums. Okay, so my kids were eating crap, but they were having fun, Gma and Gpa were doing me a big favor, and they weren't yelling at the kids... all that and, hell, it was just two weeks.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what you should say but this happened to me. I was sent to my aunte and forced to stay at the table for hours, got in trouble a lot and threw up many times. No lasting damage, I guess, but I still can't stand that woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what you should say but this happened to me. I was sent to my aunte and forced to stay at the table for hours, got in trouble a lot and threw up many times. No lasting damage, I guess, but I still can't stand that woman

I was also a kid that threw up when forced to eay food I didn't like. Thankfully my parents and grandparents were accomodating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mostly reformed picky eater, I would honestly question sending the kids if your parents are going to be a-holes about it. Not making special foods is one thing, but if they're likely to pull the "sit at the table until you eat everything on your plate" thing, or the "bring out the same plate for breakfast, lunch and dinner until it's eaten" thing, I'd hesitate to put my kids through that.

I agree with this, as a picky eater and a parent of sometimes picky eaters. We Try to get kids to try everything and if they don't no dessert, but that's it. We got sent to bed which even my parents now laugh at as crazy.