Picky-eating DCs and Judgmental Grandparents - help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mostly reformed picky eater, I would honestly question sending the kids if your parents are going to be a-holes about it. Not making special foods is one thing, but if they're likely to pull the "sit at the table until you eat everything on your plate" thing, or the "bring out the same plate for breakfast, lunch and dinner until it's eaten" thing, I'd hesitate to put my kids through that.

+1

[Anonymous]

I probably would not have made the arrangement due to the feeding issue. I am particular about what my kids eat and how they are taught to eat. I think it is hard to ask someone to eatch your kids for two weeks and dictate how they have to do that. I think caregivers should generally default to the parents preferences but if they are resistant I don't know that they should be the caregiver.
My mother would be terrible, do everything her way even if I requested it and lie about things to me. My MIL would follow what we requested to a T.
It is tough but I think if you bring it up to your mom you have to expect she might not follow it and the decide if you are OK with that or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3yo and 7yo DCs will be spending 2 weeks with my parents this summer, without DH and me. About a year ago my mom and I had an epic fight that nearly ended our relationship and began when she told me I was letting my kids parent themselves when it came to food.

I follow Ellyn Sattyr's Division of Responsibility in feeding, which teaches that raising your kids to have a good relationship with food and eating is more important than whether they eat their brussels sprouts tonight. It's well supported by research (as well as my experience applying it for 2 years now with picky DCs) but is hard for the clean-your-plate generation, i.e. my parents, to understand. And I will admit I have not even tried to explain it to them, because I view them (for good reason) as incapable of accepting that what they did as parents might not be the best or only way.

I am not interested in debating the merits of DOR. My question is this: Do I raise this topic of feeding before sending my kids off to spend two weeks with my parents? 7yo DC has already asked me to tell grandma he does not have to eat beets. I am frankly terrified of raising this with them. I am inclined to write a long email explaining how I feed my kids and asking that they try to respect that. Putting it in writing has benefits--conflict avoidance being first and foremost, but also I can convey a lot of information without interruptions from my bulldozer of a mother. But I can already hear her ridiculing me to my siblings, that I wrote her this long email about catering to my children's picky eating.

WWYD?

Yes, you do.

You tell them that either they can stick to your rules concerning parenting and nutrition, or the trip gets cancelled.

I think you're doing an awesome job re. your children and food, and I wouldn't want my children stressed by pushy grandparents.

Also, ridiculing you to your siblings? That's not a very mature attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandma has a point.

Said the ignorant ass.

x1,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two weeks of eating what Grandma says is not likely to ruin your two years of parenting.

As frustrating as it is, I would let it go and embrace this as an opportunity to teach your children about politeness and respecting authority. "When in Grandma's house, Grandma's rules apply."

Op here. That is the approach I've been taking. Questioning whether it is a cop out and I am doign my kids a disservice.

Yes, it is, and yes, you are. Sorry.

You need to take a tough stance on this, with your parents, I mean.

If they want to end contact with you because of how you feed your children, there's something much bigger behind that, I'd say.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the people who are encouraging you to blow this up are not well intentioned. Honestly, in my family my husband undermined me and my pediatrician said to let it go. Children understand different rules n different environments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About a year ago my mom and I had an epic fight that nearly ended our relationship and began when she told me I was letting my kids parent themselves when it came to food.

Food is not worth this.

Yeah, this concerns me way more than the lack of agreement about how to handle picky eating. If your mother is such an asshole/bulldozer (weren't those your words?) and if she is so manipulative/emotionally cruel/vindictive that you are afraid to discuss this with her, I honestly have to ask why you would feel okay having her care for your children for such a long period.

[Anonymous]

"Here's dinner, kids! If you're hungry, you'll eat it!"

- normal-eating adult who grew up very picky as a result of being catered to, and who refused to inflict that on her own children and others who have to spend them with them

[Anonymous]

I would just explain your approach in very simple terms. Tell your parents that you have communicated to your kids that they are in charge of what they eat at the meal. Tell your parents you have communicated this to them. and hope for the best.

or seriously...scrap the whole plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Here's dinner, kids! If you're hungry, you'll eat it!"

- normal-eating adult who grew up very picky as a result of being catered to, and who refused to inflict that on her own children and others who have to spend them with them

+10000
Another picky eating kid who is an adult who eats almost everything
And my min did not make a big desk out of my pickiness, she did not come up with a whe philosophy around it....
Let my grandparents deal with it as they wanted.
Honestly, parents these days seem to think they invented kids and parenting
Everything is not a big dang deal!

[Anonymous]

I'd let it go. In the end, I think your parents want to have their own positive relationship with the children, and they have a limited amount of time to make that happen. I doubt they will be too strict in enforcing food rules, and if they are, the kids will hold negative memories of their visit, and it will affect their feelings about staying with their grandparents. It'd be sad, but I don't think things will be any better if you try to put your foot down than if you don't. They're doing something very helpful for you, and I'd just be grateful.

[Anonymous]

I would never force anyone to eat beets.