Shaking off the shame of estrangement

[Anonymous]

You definitely don't have to talk about it. But I can't help wondering if it wouldn't benefit you to be more open about it.

When I had cancer, I was very open about it, and in being so, I was amazed to learn how many people were bearing a similar burden, or are close to someone with a similar burden. I have a feeling the same thing might happen in your case if you're open about it. Have you had therapy (or do you want it?) If you feel good about where you're at, I think directness might serve you well. It is certainly "no ones business," but then what is, really?

Life is short, and I think we all learn from each others struggles, and we can all offer one another support. It is likely that other people you know carry similar burdens but are also keeping it hidden.

[Anonymous]

I never know what to tell people, when they ask how many brothers and sisters I have. Do I say 2 or 3?

I have good, easy, relationships with two of them.

I do not speak to, or have any relationship with the 3rd. It will never change in my lifetime. It's easier to say 2, because I can talk openly about my great sisters, without need to mention any drama or awkwardness.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for the support. I think my worry has to do with the stigma attached to bad family dynamics. My MIL has made slick comments and I have noticed that people tend to think that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Has anyone else noticed the stigma?

I think (hope) age and distance will help you through this. Violence, addiction, suicide and other negative behaviors was/is rampant in my family of origin. I moved 600 miles away right after college and never moved back. DH's family is from this area and he present his childhood as if it were right out of 'Leave it to Beaver'. I know his family had a lot of concerns about me but I'm lucky that I've got a strong resilient streak (as I imagine you do) and I drew up on the strength of my experiences. Nothing could be worse than what I went through. I overcame it. I had to take a lot of shit growing up but I'm not taking anyone's shit now that I have a choice. If someone thinks the fruit doesn't far from the tree, fuck them. They clearly have limited life experience that they can't imagine someone overcoming a challenge. It's all about the ability to craft the life you want and deserve.

But, having said all that, it took me a long time to stop trying to 'keep the secret'. I was well trained from childhood to try and hide what was going on at home. That may also be contributing to your 'shame'. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you'd be surprised how common our experience is. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone for the support. I think my worry has to do
with the stigma attached to bad family dynamics. My MIL has made slick comments and I have noticed that people tend to think that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Has anyone else noticed the stigma?

Yes, I've noticed the stigma and I don't outwardly respond to it. I do make a mental note of the people making the comments that they are not people that should be in my inner circle. They never really know it because I still remain friendly and am nice to them but I would never let them know of any of my plans in advance or tell them of any problems I was having in my life. They have shown themselves to be quick to judgment, so I don't need them close.

I used to really worry that the bad family dynamics was my fault and people would view it as such. But once I made peace with the fact that I can't change everyone else and can only control myself, I learned to ignore it and NOT go into detail with people about my family life.It is not that I am ashamed of it or hiding it but it is no one's business. Just like I wouldn't have people review my medical records or bank accounts because it is none of their business, my family dynamics is none of their business.

When people would ask (we are no longer estranged btw), how my parents are doing, I would say something generic, like they are great, still in good health, or they are well, getting closer to retirment. These are just facts and no need to reveal any messy details.

[Anonymous]

I am not married but I like to think that my future spouse, if he knew my parents, would rather me be estranged from them than have them as inlaws.

[Anonymous]

What was really eye opening to me was a thread on DCUM once about the book The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. So many people posted to say that absolutely did not believe anything she had written. It made me realize that if I tried to explain my childhood in detail/depth, a lot of people would think I was the crazy one or the liar.

I just don't say anything. In private, though, I do find it incredibly painful.

Sending you hugs, OP, and everyone else who can relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone for the support. I think my worry has to do
with the stigma attached to bad family dynamics. My MIL has made slick comments and I have noticed that people tend to think that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Has anyone else noticed the stigma?

Yes, I've noticed the stigma and I don't outwardly respond to it. I do make a mental note of the people making the comments that they are not people that should be in my inner circle. They never really know it because I still remain friendly and am nice to them but I would never let them know of any of my plans in advance or tell them of any problems I was having in my life. They have shown themselves to be quick to judgment, so I don't need them close.

I used to really worry that the bad family dynamics was my fault and people would view it as such. But once I made peace with the fact that I can't change everyone else and can only control myself, I learned to ignore it and NOT go into detail with people about my family life.It is not that I am ashamed of it or hiding it but it is no one's business. Just like I wouldn't have people review my medical records or bank accounts because it is none of their business, my family dynamics is none of their business.

When people would ask (we are no longer estranged btw), how my parents are doing, I would say something generic, like they are great, still in good health, or they are well, getting closer to retirment. These are just facts and no need to reveal any messy details.

Same. I find it most difficult, however, around the holidays with everyone asking if my parents will be visiting or we'll be visiting them. A simple no never seems to suffice. Even a somewhat close friend to whom I've told some of my family history always presses a bit.

[Anonymous]

I am estranged from my mother and step-father. I, too, came to the conclusion that life is too short to put up with the BS and drama that they bring with them!

I am not embarrassed or ashamed. Life is much easier!

Our children know that they exist and that we don't keep in touch. We talk about it and remind them that they can ask us any questions that they may have. It's not a secret.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't embarrass me one whit.

If it comes up, I tell people that the estrangement is a self-preservation thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

So I should be a-ok with my alcoholic abusive father?

I have 3 alcoholics in my family. I've cut off none, but all are at a far distance. No money, no handouts, no place to stay. However I will drive them to rehab and care for their non-alcoholic children any time I am asked.

So you should model to your kids that abuse and violence are ok, because it's family? I don't want them to learn that being in relationships with toxic and abusive people is ok. And, I'm worth healthy relationships too.

Exactly.

I will not show my children that that's how you allow someone to treat you. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Estrangement is so common these days, I wouldn't think twice about it. Shitty people are shitty people. Sometimes the best thing for everyone is to leave the pieces on the floor and move on.

[Anonymous]

My husband is estranged from him family, aside from both of us being friends with some of his family members on Facebook... So thanks to technology, they rank right there with high school classmates you'd otherwise not ever think of again and who you can exclude from seeing content, if you wish. This does take away any guilt or shame of not knowing what's going on (or having them think you know).

The only downfall here is his father private messages me things like "i miss you," periodically, even though I do not know him

[Anonymous]

OP, I would think even more highly of you for having the strength to bear it all. Obviously you should only disclose what makes you comfortable, but you don't need to be ashamed.

My ILs (both my MIL and FIL) were estranged from their parents (now dead). I don't know the details and neither does my spouse. I've asked about them and have only gotten vague answers, so I assume there was some really horrible stuff going on. I admire my ILs for shouldering on and creating such a great family of their own.