Shaking off the shame of estrangement

[Anonymous]

How many of you are estranged from a parent? What happened and do you tell people?

I am estranged from both of my parents. I have laid eyes on my father only three times in almost ten years and have not spoken to him in almost five years. I cut my mother off two years ago. Both are abusive, terrible people to everyone they know and life has gotten much better since I threw in the towel and accepted that they will never be even decent parents. I feel strangely ashamed that it has come to this, however. I am very embarrassed to come from such a damaged family. I find myself telling lies when people ask how my son relates to his grandparents (they have never met him) or how the holidays with my family were. Only my blood relatives know what happened. I had to come clean to my in laws about being estranged when years passed and they still had not met my parents. I have never told them anywhere
close to the full story, however.

[Anonymous]

It never really becomes a comfortable, graceful state of affairs. This is different than death; it's a sort of silent, long drawn-ot tragedy.

It goes against nature. Sometimes there really is no choice, because all options have been exhausted leaving the relationship far too damaging.

[Anonymous]

"My son is a friendly kid who gets along with pretty much anyone who's kind."

"Our holidays were great! How were yours?" "We're actually close with DH's family so we spent time with them; it was really relaxing. What did you do?"

You would have something to be ashamed of if you kept interacting with people who were abusive of you. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

[Anonymous]

I've been estranged from my father for 20 years and my mother for 2 years: absolutely no contact.

If anyone ask questions I just say lightly, "It's a long story!" or "Too long of a story to put that in a soundbite!" and that usually shuts them down. I'm not embarrassed that I'm estranged from my parents (I'm an only child) but I don't want to discuss it with people with whom I'm not intimate.

If you say it in a cheerful enough tone they'll get the hint.

[Anonymous]

I agree with this. People who ask to many questions when it is clear I don't want to talk are not people I generally want to be around anyway. I feel sad for my kids but no way will put them in drama. I feel like I stopped the cycle of drama. I also have made a point of bringing in several of my close friends who have not had kids. They are happy to have kids in their lives and I am happy to have surrogate aunts and uncles. I think this is also a nice compromise.

[Anonymous]

Just to say I sympathize and find it embarrassing as well. It's surprisingly common for people to ask about our family around the holidays and especially with a new baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with this. People who ask to many questions when it is clear I don't want to talk are not people I generally want to be around anyway. I feel sad for my kids but no way will put them in drama. I feel like I stopped the cycle of drama. I also have made a point of bringing in several of my close friends who have not had kids. They are happy to have kids in their lives and I am happy to have surrogate aunts and uncles. I think this is also a nice compromise.

Good for you. I'm the PP above who has been estranged from my dad for 20 years and my mom for 2. My husband and I don't have kids, and I'd imagine it was a difficult decision. Cheers to you for stopping the toxicity!

[Anonymous]

The other thing is that I've reached a point in my life (mid-40s) that I increasingly don't care what other people think about me or the decisions I've made for my own mental health.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. I was going to post this exact question because I am in the process of cutting off both abusive parents. Kudos to you.

Nothing be ashamed of. No one would expect you to have. Friendship or relationship with someone who belittles you, makes you feel badly, or has a history of physically or sexually abusing you - so why are we expected to maintain relationships with parents who've done the same?

Keep it light with people, or ask them a question. Everyone's favorite subject is themselves anyway

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for the support. I think my worry has to do
with the stigma attached to bad family dynamics. My MIL has made slick comments and I have noticed that people tend to think that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Has anyone else noticed the stigma?

[Anonymous]

I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

Didn't take very long for a jerk to show up. Which one of your relatives cut you off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

So I should be a-ok with my alcoholic abusive father?

[Anonymous]

As for your MIL, she's probably poking around because she knows something is there. But you still don't have to share intimate conversations with her about it. Tell your MIL as little as you feel is necessary. Then if she starts throwing digs at you around the holidays, etc., make her back off and make sure that your DH supports you on this.

With most people, the less you share the better. Also, most people who have had positive relationships with their parents, dead or alive, won't get it. And be prepared with Mother's and Father's Day coming up, people with some of the worst relationships with their parents will create the most smarmy social media postings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone for the support. I think my worry has to do
with the stigma attached to bad family dynamics. My MIL has made slick comments and I have noticed that people tend to think that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Has anyone else noticed the stigma?

Yes, I think my MIL (happily married to high school sweetheart) was a little worried about me, child of ugly divorce and cut off my father who is classic NPD (those close to him know how awful he is but one layer away the world thinks he is an amazing, proud, doting dad). Not much to be done but prove her wrong by showing a commitment to her family and, over the longer term, being a good mom to her grandkids and a loyal spouse to her son who has some of his own issues. Just grin and bear MIL - she just wants the best for her son.