Shaking off the shame of estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

Didn't take very long for a jerk to show up. Which one of your relatives cut you off?

None.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

So I should be a-ok with my alcoholic abusive father?

I have 3 alcoholics in my family. I've cut off none, but all are at a far distance. No money, no handouts, no place to stay. However I will drive them to rehab and care for their non-alcoholic children any time I am asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

So I should be a-ok with my alcoholic abusive father?

I have 3 alcoholics in my family. I've cut off none, but all are at a far distance. No money, no handouts, no place to stay. However I will drive them to rehab and care for their non-alcoholic children any time I am asked.

So you should model to your kids that abuse and violence are ok, because it's family? I don't want them to learn that being in relationships with toxic and abusive people is ok. And, I'm worth healthy relationships too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

So I should be a-ok with my alcoholic abusive father?

I have 3 alcoholics in my family. I've cut off none, but all are at a far distance. No money, no handouts, no place to stay. However I will drive them to rehab and care for their non-alcoholic children any time I am asked.

So you should model to your kids that abuse and violence are ok, because it's family? I don't want them to learn that being in relationships with toxic and abusive people is ok. And, I'm worth healthy relationships too.

There is no abuse or violence in my relationships with my family.

[Anonymous]

I am estranged from my father, who became a different person after my mother died. He just let his relationship with his adult children go. I gave up trying after he missed some important family events in favor of spending time with his wife's grandchildren. I miss my dad and it hurts me every day, but I have accepted that he has moved on.

I hate talking about this with people because they always assume my siblings and I are to blame, and that we cut him off out of spite. His friends/our family can't seem to fathom that he cut himself off and gradually just let us go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

Interesting that you model non-empathy for your children. You sound like one of those toxic parents whose children will eventually abandon.

[Anonymous]

It is natural to want to be accepted by your parents and have a good relationship with them. Sometimes that isn't possible and that's sad.

The shame though is, as I am sure you are aware, really on your parents. I hope you will get help in letting that go as it only compounds a loss you have no control over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

Didn't take very long for a jerk to show up. Which one of your relatives cut you off?

Amen to the bolded.

Cutting off "blood" is perfectly fine when "blood" treats you like shit over and over and over again.

If you don't treat your children like shit day in and day out, there's very little chance they'll cut you off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

No, "marrying into" a family with "bad family dynamics" is nothing like being raised by abusive parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

Didn't take very long for a jerk to show up. Which one of your relatives cut you off?

None.

Hmm, just curious what kinds of boundaries I should set with my father who sexually abused me most of my childhood? Should we still have lovely conversations on the phone about how he called me a liar after I told the truth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

Didn't take very long for a jerk to show up. Which one of your relatives cut you off?

None.

Hmm, just curious what kinds of boundaries I should set with my father who sexually abused me most of my childhood? Should we still have lovely conversations on the phone about how he called me a liar after I told the truth?

Sexual assault was not brought up by any other posters. That is a whole other issue in which it is appropriate to no longer have contact with family. Simply cutting someone off because you have trouble setting appropriate boundaries is a different issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

Didn't take very long for a jerk to show up. Which one of your relatives cut you off?

None.

Hmm, just curious what kinds of boundaries I should set with my father who sexually abused me most of my childhood? Should we still have lovely conversations on the phone about how he called me a liar after I told the truth?

Sexual assault was not brought up by any other posters. That is a whole other issue in which it is appropriate to no longer have contact with family. Simply cutting someone off because you have trouble setting appropriate boundaries is a different issue.

Classic victim blaming. You can't set boundaries with narcissists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe what you do to your family will come back in spades to you. Meaning I understand bad family dynamics (married into one). However boundaries are very important and can make these relationships ok. On the other hand, if you model to your kids that cutting off blood is fine then you can't be shocked if it happens to you one day too.

Didn't take very long for a jerk to show up. Which one of your relatives cut you off?

None.

Hmm, just curious what kinds of boundaries I should set with my father who sexually abused me most of my childhood? Should we still have lovely conversations on the phone about how he called me a liar after I told the truth?

Sexual assault was not brought up by any other posters. That is a whole other issue in which it is appropriate to no longer have contact with family. Simply cutting someone off because you have trouble setting appropriate boundaries is a different issue.

Classic victim blaming. You can't set boundaries with narcissists.

No one is blaming victims.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters and a mother who inhabits the earth. I have a relationship with 1 sibling. Everyone is damaged from our upbringing, including me. I've been in therapy for years. I suspect my mother is borderline narcisstic as well as most siblings. As my husband says, "Please don't talk about your family, no one would believe you". it was clearly my choice. My kids have learned that untreated mental illness is poison. I try to tell myself it is just the way it is, but it still hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other thing is that I've reached a point in my life (mid-40s) that I increasingly don't care what other people think about me or the decisions I've made for my own mental health.

+1

Look around. They are not worried about what you think. Give them the same treatment.