Female friendship...confide and be close, achieve/receive good things, get cut off, rinse and repeat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And thanks for posting, OP. Because I always wonder if it was my problem

+1

[Anonymous]

I have a friend from childhood, had for 30 yrs. Neither of us have a sister. During one of our talks we acknowledged that we'd both like to consider the other a sister. I think of that conversation often and feel that this is a relationship for "always". However, we don't always feel close. We often don't see things the same way. Not sure she would be the one I would take serious advice from. We do understand each other's history. We knew each other's families/the dynamics, etc which is worth a great deal.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, OP, for posting this. My kids and one of DH's friends asked me why I don't have any friends. Frankly, I've stopped trying to figure out whether it's them or me. I really don't want to dwell on it. I've also stopped trying to forge close friendships. I've tried in the past and the rejection is pretty painful, particularly from the ones that cut off all contact without any kind of explanation.

There have even been a few women at church or my kid's school that have started conversations with me in the past or introduced themselves only later to act like they don't know me or have ever seen me before. I honestly don't get it.

I think men have it so much easier with friends. They are much more forgiving of each other. And I think women are much more forgiving of men than they are of other women.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP:

There is an article about this in this month's issue of MORE magazine.

I thought of you when I read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, OP, for posting this. My kids and one of DH's friends asked me why I don't have any friends. Frankly, I've stopped trying to figure out whether it's them or me. I really don't want to dwell on it. I've also stopped trying to forge close friendships. I've tried in the past and the rejection is pretty painful, particularly from the ones that cut off all contact without any kind of explanation.

There have even been a few women at church or my kid's school that have started conversations with me in the past or introduced themselves only later to act like they don't know me or have ever seen me before. I honestly don't get it.

I think men have it so much easier with friends. They are much more forgiving of each other. And I think women are much more forgiving of men than they are of other women.

I definitely can relate. I have lived in the US, UK and Asia for the last 15 years. US is the only place where consistently people would act friendly and start a conversation with me, and then the next time act like they don't know me. Perhaps they are just being friendly the first time. But in the UK and Asia, if they don't care about you, they just don't talk to you. But once they do, they don't act like they don't know me the next time.

[Anonymous]

Fortunately, I have not had this problem. Most of the people I have been friends with, I have known for no less than 15 years. My best friend, it has been 27 years. I think the fact that most of us got married and had children around the same time helped. Life changes a lot. We don't get to see each other all the time and talk the way that we used to...but we all know that if any of us needed each other, we would be there for the other person in a heartbeat. To me, that is the most important thing about a friendship.

That said, I have a friend who I used to be very close to. When we were both single, I pretty much had the flexibility to do whatever, whenever. We are not as close anymore. She is now married, but does not have children. My life is filled with kids stuff and she has a difficult time understanding that. Sometimes she thinks that we can just fly off on a whim like we used to, but when you have young kids, it's not possible. She gets upset when I say I cannot. Or that I can't just do a spontaneous Saturday because we have stuff planned as a family. I have tried telling her if she gives me some advanced notice, I can make the time, but she does not work like that. So since we cannot meet in the middle, distance has been created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, OP, for posting this. My kids and one of DH's friends asked me why I don't have any friends. Frankly, I've stopped trying to figure out whether it's them or me. I really don't want to dwell on it. I've also stopped trying to forge close friendships. I've tried in the past and the rejection is pretty painful, particularly from the ones that cut off all contact without any kind of explanation.

There have even been a few women at church or my kid's school that have started conversations with me in the past or introduced themselves only later to act like they don't know me or have ever seen me before. I honestly don't get it.

I think men have it so much easier with friends. They are much more forgiving of each other. And I think women are much more forgiving of men than they are of other women.

I definitely can relate. I have lived in the US, UK and Asia for the last 15 years. US is the only place where consistently people would act friendly and start a conversation with me, and then the next time act like they don't know me. Perhaps they are just being friendly the first time. But in the UK and Asia, if they don't care about you, they just don't talk to you. But once they do, they don't act like they don't know me the next time.

This has been my experience as well, feeling like you always stuck in first base. I often wonder why people are always so depressed here even though they have access to all the luxuries of the modern world. And why are people from less developed counties can often be happier. I really think it's the value and effort put forth in interpersonal interactions. There's a lack of real intimacy here sometimes. And pp you're right, unlike anything I've experience in other places, people will come up to you friendly and seemingly interested in you just to completely treat like they've never laid eyes on you the next time you meet. That often mystify me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, OP, for posting this. My kids and one of DH's friends asked me why I don't have any friends. Frankly, I've stopped trying to figure out whether it's them or me. I really don't want to dwell on it. I've also stopped trying to forge close friendships. I've tried in the past and the rejection is pretty painful, particularly from the ones that cut off all contact without any kind of explanation.

There have even been a few women at church or my kid's school that have started conversations with me in the past or introduced themselves only later to act like they don't know me or have ever seen me before. I honestly don't get it.

I think men have it so much easier with friends. They are much more forgiving of each other. And I think women are much more forgiving of men than they are of other women.

I definitely can relate. I have lived in the US, UK and Asia for the last 15 years. US is the only place where consistently people would act friendly and start a conversation with me, and then the next time act like they don't know me. Perhaps they are just being friendly the first time. But in the UK and Asia, if they don't care about you, they just don't talk to you. But once they do, they don't act like they don't know me the next time.

This has been my experience as well, feeling like you always stuck in first base. I often wonder why people are always so depressed here even though they have access to all the luxuries of the modern world. And why are people from less developed counties can often be happier. I really think it's the value and effort put forth in interpersonal interactions. There's a lack of real intimacy here sometimes. And pp you're right, unlike anything I've experience in other places, people will come up to you friendly and seemingly interested in you just to completely treat like they've never laid eyes on you the next time you meet. That often mystify me.

Hahaha! I'm guessing you've never lived in Denmark? Very insular culture. Outsiders? Forget about it.

Personally, I don't have problems meeting and keeping good friends, though I will admit I only have the bandwidth foe my 4 very close friends the rest are less deep relationships. What I really enjoy much are our family friends. Other couples with kids our age who whrn we get together the kids raise hell while the parents drink wine on the deck. Through out kids sports we've met some incredible families and live for the weekends.

[Anonymous]

This has not been my experience at all. Even when DH and I were out of a job and had to move across the world, I still kept in touch with my close friends. I have just a handful of friends, plus a larger circle of friendly acquaintances.

Perhaps you make friends with superficial people, or you consider friends people who are just acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This has not been my experience at all. Even when DH and I were out of a job and had to move across the world, I still kept in touch with my close friends. I have just a handful of friends, plus a larger circle of friendly acquaintances.

Perhaps you make friends with superficial people, or you consider friends people who are just acquaintances.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP, at first I reacted negatively to your article. I am still close with my best friend from K 40 years later!

But then I got to thinking and you have definitely touched on something. This was much more my way when I was younger and less stable and was completely tolerant of unstable people as well. I remember a close friend acting crazy once, she was mad I had a boyfriend so she was giving me the cold shoulder and then trying to make me jealous by bringing a new friend by my work etc.

I kindly told her she had to stop acting like that or she would have no friends at her wedding (eventual) that she had known for more than six months. Fast forward I eventually couldn't take it anymore and cut off ties with her. I did this with quite a few unstable friends as I got older and my tolerance for drama waned. And to be honest, a good friend dropped me, so maybe she thought I was too much drama for her.

Meanwhile, I have made a wonderful core of female friends, the longest term one whom I've known for 15 years.

The secret to male friendships is shared activities -- sports, poker, whatever whereas women always act like other women have to get them emotionally, relate to them, agree with them on politics, parenting etc. and guys don't freakin care (for the most part).

So now I put a lot less pressure eon female friendships and I let my girlfriends be who they are and just enjoy them and I don't care if they're liberal or conservative or drink or don't or eat meat or don't exercise or whatever. If we have a good time together, and they are kind and loyal -- that's enough.