Female friendship...confide and be close, achieve/receive good things, get cut off, rinse and repeat

[Anonymous]

Im 40 and damn its becoming tiresome and predictable that close female friendships will end when someone:

Has a baby
Gets a job promotion
Gets married
Gets divorced
parents differently
Has marital problems
moves
Unknowingly offends the other


Feel free to add to the list if you'd like to start a discussion about the fragility of emotionally close female friendship Ive had several close female friendships over the years and they predictably end when one or more of the above happens. I just expect it now. Ive heard this from many women from various backgrounds, its really not just me. Yawn..im tired of trying. Id rather just focus on DH and kids and have female buddies...keep it superficial...it works for men..

Anyone here relate?

And to be clear, I have one close female friend Ive known for 20plus years. All other close female friendships end after 1 to 10 years, on average. Anyone else tired of this very predictable pattern?

[Anonymous]

I think all relationships - friendships or other - go through periods of closeness and distantness. Yes, often when friends of mine have gone through the things you list - or I have been through the things you list - my relationships have shifted. In some cases, I've lost friends. In most cases, we just have a period of distantness and then once the intensity of the downturn passes we pick back up.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely agrees OP. The guys' brotherhood seem to last better than women's "sisterhood." Ours is just more fragile. Bummer

[Anonymous]

And thanks for posting, OP. Because I always wonder if it was my problem

[Anonymous]

I am not sure you are trying hard enough or letting things go enough or ... something. Because I've stayed friends with people through ALL those transitions.

ONCE, while I was still single, I had a boss who did not tell me that she got engaged. She told everyone else, and I was hurt. It turned out she saw someone else get VERY jealous and was trying to avoid that.

[Anonymous]

I thought it was me.

[Anonymous]

I've had 4 great girlfriends for years. We've all had babies, one had to do IVF, and one got divorced. We have remained tight. I see one or all of them in person at least twice a month and talk to one on the phone during our morning commute at least a few times a week.

I've had a lot of less deep friendships come and go, but that's to be expected. However the core 4 of us have stuck together. I think if I lost one of them I'd chase that person down and not let them go without a huge amount of effort to keep them in my life.

[Anonymous]

I don't think female friendships are inherently different from male ones. I believe it depends on the individuals. Some are more capable of forming lasting relationships, some are less. I noticed it is getting harder to make friends as I get older. Things do get clearer and more predictable. That's experience, I guess LOL

[Anonymous]

honestly, OP, i think it may be WHO your choosing as friends. i am a 42yo DW, and while my friendships were much like what you describe in my 20s and early 30s, my friendships now, which are with married women with kids, single women w/o kids, divorced women with kids, etc., they are deeper, more meaningful and lasting now than ever before. i could not live without my girlfriends.

you need to find women who are confident in themselves, who are willing to "go deep," and with whom you share similar values. don't give up, it is sooo worth it to have female friends.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought it was me.

+1

[Anonymous]

I always have a few core friends and then others that come and go, but I love having female friends either way. They can be fun as well as helpful. I wouldn't trade it ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And thanks for posting, OP. Because I always wonder if it was my problem

plus 100

[Anonymous]

I think your situation is in the minority. I've had a few core friends for years. Most.women have a few very tight bonds. My friendships are almost as important to my happiness as My marriage. I get some thing much different, but much needed from my girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that's been your experience -- it sounds painful. It's definitely not a general rule, though. I haven't experienced this at all as a quality of female friendships -- just as a quality of some specific people, male and female. Maybe you're interacting differently with your female friends, or choosing them differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im 40 and damn its becoming tiresome and predictable that close female friendships will end when someone:

Has a baby
Gets a job promotion
Gets married
Gets divorced
parents differently
Has marital problems
moves
Unknowingly offends the other


Feel free to add to the list if you'd like to start a discussion about the fragility of emotionally close female friendship Ive had several close female friendships over the years and they predictably end when one or more of the above happens. I just expect it now. Ive heard this from many women from various backgrounds, its really not just me. Yawn..im tired of trying. Id rather just focus on DH and kids and have female buddies...keep it superficial...it works for men..

Anyone here relate?

And to be clear, I have one close female friend Ive known for 20plus years. All other close female friendships end after 1 to 10 years, on average. Anyone else tired of this very predictable pattern?

This appears to be my problem as well in that something will tick me off and I will cut off relations. I just talked to my therapist and she suggested that I am not grown-up enough about my relationships. I do notice a pattern in that keeps repeating in my relationships.