Female friendship...confide and be close, achieve/receive good things, get cut off, rinse and repeat

[Anonymous]

I don't relate. I have friends going back to 3rd grade.

[Anonymous]

I have a sister-in-law who lives out west who takes every little thing us in laws back east say and do as an offense. In those situations, I just say "buh-bye!" I don't care if we are "related". Just can't deal with walking on eggshells all the time and with someone who thinks they are perfect. Fortunately, she is out of state. I recently told her husband that they would never survive here b/c we are so blunt and crass by nature, we don't even realize it.

[Anonymous]

I go by the "love the one you are with" and "bloom where your planted" and "don't look, or you'll turn into a pillar of salt" way of thinking. As a result, I am a lot happier.

[Anonymous]

I just unfriended and blocked a bunch of local people from my Facebook because I don't think we are really friends in real life. I have true friends in real life from every stage of my life from elementary school through my first job through when I lived in a cool urban apartment building in D.C.

These other groups of "friends" I have met are superficial and shallow and not in a good way, mostly insecure and sometimes scary at how they try to use people.

Think "The Walking Dead Crew," that assembles and really trusts each other and fights for each other compared to "Mary's Terminus canibals." The Terminus canibals acted peaceful and kind and welcoming, but only because they wanted to barbecue you and serve you for dinner. Some fake friends are like that and it is better to leave them and never look back.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm...I've never had this problem. And I had friends who got married, had babies, move, etc. WAYYYYY before today.

[Anonymous]

You sound a little jaded OP, but if you have experienced this issue over + over, I can totally see where you are coming from.

Perhaps it is just bad luck, but I wouldn't write off having Female friendships altogether.

I am sure not everyone is like this.

I for one, value friendship and loyalty and would never think of letting a friendship dissolve due to any external factors.

Have you thought that perhaps you are the one who is doing some changing as well?

Not to accuse you of anything....just to offer some extra food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just unfriended and blocked a bunch of local people from my Facebook because I don't think we are really friends in real life. I have true friends in real life from every stage of my life from elementary school through my first job through when I lived in a cool urban apartment building in D.C.

These other groups of "friends" I have met are superficial and shallow and not in a good way, mostly insecure and sometimes scary at how they try to use people.

Think "The Walking Dead Crew," that assembles and really trusts each other and fights for each other compared to "Mary's Terminus canibals." The Terminus canibals acted peaceful and kind and welcoming, but only because they wanted to barbecue you and serve you for dinner. Some fake friends are like that and it is better to leave them and never look back.

Who you calling scary?

cray-cray.

[Anonymous]

Also, I think some of the circumstances OP describes - moving, getting divorced, can legitimately create distances that affect friendships, especially when there are kids and careers that need tending to. Bottom line is that maintaining friendships takes effort and commitment, just like any other close relationship. It isn't going to be easy, and because of that, and how busy we all are today, it's probably unrealistic to think you'll have very many close adult girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just unfriended and blocked a bunch of local people from my Facebook because I don't think we are really friends in real life. I have true friends in real life from every stage of my life from elementary school through my first job through when I lived in a cool urban apartment building in D.C.

These other groups of "friends" I have met are superficial and shallow and not in a good way, mostly insecure and sometimes scary at how they try to use people.

Think "The Walking Dead Crew," that assembles and really trusts each other and fights for each other compared to "Mary's Terminus canibals." The Terminus canibals acted peaceful and kind and welcoming, but only because they wanted to barbecue you and serve you for dinner. Some fake friends are like that and it is better to leave them and never look back.

Who you calling scary?

cray-cray.

Actually, I like her "Walking Dead" analogy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound a little jaded OP, but if you have experienced this issue over + over, I can totally see where you are coming from.

Perhaps it is just bad luck, but I wouldn't write off having Female friendships altogether.

I am sure not everyone is like this.

I for one, value friendship and loyalty and would never think of letting a friendship dissolve due to any external factors.

Have you thought that perhaps you are the one who is doing some changing as well?

Not to accuse you of anything....just to offer some extra food for thought.

OP here. No offense taken. Excellent point, never occurred to me. I also switch back and forth between examining what I did and did not do/say and accepting that this sort of thing is typical (anyone have any good data to support that or not).

When I got married, close friend for decades told me it should have been her, not me and it was so unfair blah blah blah. Weeks later I told her I was promoted at work and she replied that I must have slept my way into the job. I wasn't altogether hurt, rather just fed up that THIS was the person I called my closest friend at the time..so I cut her off. I let a ton of other things slide before

Around that same time a mildly close friend rsvpd to my wedding saying she wasn't coming. I called to discuss why and she gave me no explanation and just hung up. Never heard from her again.

Another close friend of about five years who I saw a few times a month told me she wanted to text and visit less frequently because she didnt have time. It stung but I went with it with no complaining or backlash. Ive seen her three times in the past 2 years...two times I initiated. she flat out told me in a calm tone of voice that she felt rage toward me when I did something well at work. And that it was just really hard to be around my newborn son because of a prior loss of her own.

I moved a lot as a kid from state to state (fathers job transferred us every two years), studied abroad and out of state for undergrad, moved to and invested way too much time in a marriage that failed and lost all of that marriages associated relationships\support and started over again.

So as I write this out I'm seeing its caused by picking low self esteem friends, moving around way too much and maybe the nature of some female friendships. Sucks when youre raised in the rustbelt and just want to live some place more interesting but have no support to do it well.

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

[Anonymous]

It's not the nature of female friendships. It's you. For some reason you gravitate towards unstable people. I've never had what you describe happen to me. I met one wacky job in my life and I labeled her nasty Natasha. She revealed herself to be utterly crazy, but she really does not count because she never made it to a deep level....so she was more of one of those types that come in and out. Most people in my life come in and out for no reasons other than the fact that life gets busy, but she got booted out because she was nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the nature of female friendships. It's you. For some reason you gravitate towards unstable people. I've never had what you describe happen to me. I met one wacky job in my life and I labeled her nasty Natasha. She revealed herself to be utterly crazy, but she really does not count because she never made it to a deep level....so she was more of one of those types that come in and out. Most people in my life come in and out for no reasons other than the fact that life gets busy, but she got booted out because she was nuts.

OP here. You know, I think you have a point. I tend not to weed out people...I just accept and overlook instability...hmmmm....I suppose that has something to do with it! My sister thinks the problem is that I tolerate way way way too much bs from people...but I dont like to whine or take offense easily ...so I accept unstable behavior because I can let it roll off of me...e.g. upset you're not getting married but I am? Oh I'll have sympathy for you. Upset I got promoted at work and that it couldnt have been based on merit? I'll try to understand why you feel so insecure. Oh, can't be around me anymore because Im a painful reminder of what you dont have? That's ok, we can just text, I'll be sympathetic to your feelings

I think I need to be more selective...and stop moving so much....

[Anonymous]

Yep. I predicted that I'd have to face many losses in my divorce. Losing my married female friends was the biggest shock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the nature of female friendships. It's you. For some reason you gravitate towards unstable people. I've never had what you describe happen to me. I met one wacky job in my life and I labeled her nasty Natasha. She revealed herself to be utterly crazy, but she really does not count because she never made it to a deep level....so she was more of one of those types that come in and out. Most people in my life come in and out for no reasons other than the fact that life gets busy, but she got booted out because she was nuts.

OP here. You know, I think you have a point. I tend not to weed out people...I just accept and overlook instability...hmmmm....I suppose that has something to do with it! My sister thinks the problem is that I tolerate way way way too much bs from people...but I dont like to whine or take offense easily ...so I accept unstable behavior because I can let it roll off of me...e.g. upset you're not getting married but I am? Oh I'll have sympathy for you. Upset I got promoted at work and that it couldnt have been based on merit? I'll try to understand why you feel so insecure. Oh, can't be around me anymore because Im a painful reminder of what you dont have? That's ok, we can just text, I'll be sympathetic to your feelings

I think I need to be more selective...and stop moving so much....

I agree. The second I someone starts throwing me shade or just seems "off", I retreat. I stop calling I stop reciprocating and they eventually go away. I work FT, have two kids, and am generally running around all the time. I have no tolerance for crazies. Friends are supposed to be relaxing, not stressful. I have co-workers that stress me out, that is all I have room for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. I predicted that I'd have to face many losses in my divorce. Losing my married female friends was the biggest shock.

Ouch. Sorry.

Yup, in my divorce all post college friendships dissolved..they were all mutual friends. When I remarried, all but one drifted apart or spewed jealous vitriol.

My mother, mother in law and closest friend as well as coworkers have had this same experience. My husband and his buddies, my friend's husband and his buddies...just does not happen in their world. Getting married? Congrats dude let me buy you a beer! Job promotion? Awesome. Let me take you to dinner. Your wife just had a baby? Congrats! Need help moving? I'll lend you box's and my truck...

Being a dude is so much easier when it comes to friendship...they are drama free

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