How do you deal with feeling sad about kid's disappointment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what if it's really his fault - like he let a harmless roller get through his legs? or a penalty goal on a handball call on him? you can't honestly blame the TEAM for that!!!

What happened to the defense on the harmless roller? And who committed the penalty in the box? There were a series of events that led to the "harmless" roller and the penalty kick. What about trhew offensive opportunities that your team squandered? Why couldn't they mark guys in the box and get the ball cleared? You cannot ignore that. The outcome of a game is decided by a cumulative series of events during the game - not one event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. That wasn't the situation, but I would argue for a harmless roller, it was the defense's fault the other team was in position to get a shot. Re the penalty shot, had the team performed better, the other team wouldn't be shooting a penalty shot. Certainly the goalie plays a role, but It's never just the goalie's fault.

+1

In team sports, a loss is never just one player's fault.

of course, because your special snowflakes can do no wrong! it's always someone else's fault... or the ref's fault!!!

My kids can certainly do wrong and can CONTRIBUTE to a team winning or losing. But one kid is never the sole reason for a loss or a win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9yo DS's soccer team last weekend lost a tournament game when he gave up the tying and winning scores while in goal. He felt disappointed and responsible, more so when a teammate made a mean comment to him. I can't help but feel sad that he feels sad. I keep thinking, these types of disappointments will happen more and more often as the kids get older. How do I learn to let it go and not empathize so much?

Coach here: The other kid making a mean comment needs to be addressed. Even in the hint of frustration, that is unacceptable, and it sows ill will on a team. You win together, you lose together. There's never just ONE play that changes the outcome of a game, especially in a team sport.

OP here: The assistant coach addressed it in the moment with the other kid. I haven't pursued it further bc I don't want to be a helicopter mom, but is there more I should be doing? Should I make sure the main coach knows it happened? Not sure what the coaches would do because they're not coddling types, KWIM? Should I mention it to the kid's mom? I considered that because if my kid was being a douchebag, I think I'd want to know about it. But I haven't done it because, again, I don't want to be overreacting.

PP coach here. Give the coaches the first opportunity to handle it. If anything, you can follow up with the assistant coach to ask how it was handled. But I would not approach the other parent about just yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what if it's really his fault - like he let a harmless roller get through his legs? or a penalty goal on a handball call on him? you can't honestly blame the TEAM for that!!!

What happened to the defense on the harmless roller? And who committed the penalty in the box? There were a series of events that led to the "harmless" roller and the penalty kick. What about trhew offensive opportunities that your team squandered? Why couldn't they mark guys in the box and get the ball cleared? You cannot ignore that. The outcome of a game is decided by a cumulative series of events during the game - not one event.

Who has the standard of perfection at 9? Well- yea- my son does too and we and his coach are working hard to put things in perspective for him. He is his own biggest critic.

Every single player---even frickin' Lionel Messi- will make mistakes. When they are young and learning it's even more important to use it as a teaching moment and not negatively blame.

My son is a striker that scores an insane amount of goals but he knows it took every player on his team to get that ball up to him. Thankfully, the kids on his team are all incredibly supportive of one another and know that. I always make sure to tell the goalie--hey-it's not your fault! Good try, etc. the kids always pat each other on the back after disappointments and hug or high-5/backslap for great plays. A good coach and good parents would not tolerate their child making negative, snotty comments to a teammate.

When a forward whiffs the ball and misses a goal they don't seem to take the same heat as a goalie that misses a blocked shot. My heart bleeds for goalies and their parents. That's a high-pressure position. Poor guy. Try to relate to his disappointment but don't dwell on it. And- most of all- that he's loved ni matter what happens on the field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

You shouldn't use food for comfort.

He doesn't always pick ice cream. Sometimes he picks going to buy a new Lego toy or something. But seriously, I just said my kid is a star soccer player who pushes himself too hard -- a bowl of ice cream is not going to kill him or make him fat. I see what you're saying about "using food for comfort" but it's the "treat" that's the comfort -- sometimes he picks food, sometimes he doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

No wonder he continues to get upset after his team loses -- he's learned that if he acts upset, he gets a treat!

Some people's kids aren't manipulative little psychos, PP. I can tell when his upset is genuine and when it's an act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

No wonder he continues to get upset after his team loses -- he's learned that if he acts upset, he gets a treat!

Some people's kids aren't manipulative little psychos, PP. I can tell when his upset is genuine and when it's an act.

Do you plan on buying your little "star" a treat when he gets a bad grade in college? Doesn't get picked for a promotion at work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

You shouldn't use food for comfort.

He doesn't always pick ice cream. Sometimes he picks going to buy a new Lego toy or something. But seriously, I just said my kid is a star soccer player who pushes himself too hard -- a bowl of ice cream is not going to kill him or make him fat. I see what you're saying about "using food for comfort" but it's the "treat" that's the comfort -- sometimes he picks food, sometimes he doesn't.

NP.

Of course a bowl of ice cream every now & then is fine & won't make him fat. But that's not the issue here. Using food (or material goods, for that matter) to ameliorate emotional pain is a unhealthy habit to get into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

No wonder he continues to get upset after his team loses -- he's learned that if he acts upset, he gets a treat!

Some people's kids aren't manipulative little psychos, PP. I can tell when his upset is genuine and when it's an act.

Do you plan on buying your little "star" a treat when he gets a bad grade in college? Doesn't get picked for a promotion at work?

He's 7 years old. I can baby him a little bit. Trust me, I'm the furthest thing from a helicopter parent. I just want to cheer the kid up when he's beating himself up over something that isn't his fault. Jesus, you people are intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

You shouldn't use food for comfort.

He doesn't always pick ice cream. Sometimes he picks going to buy a new Lego toy or something. But seriously, I just said my kid is a star soccer player who pushes himself too hard -- a bowl of ice cream is not going to kill him or make him fat. I see what you're saying about "using food for comfort" but it's the "treat" that's the comfort -- sometimes he picks food, sometimes he doesn't.

Just a word of advice, I'd stop referring to a 7 year old as a "star" soccer player. In my experience the kids who were "stars" at that age were the ones it came easiest to. They may not be the "stars" when they have to put the work in, particularly if they've come to think of themselves as "stars." Better to say he's one of the better kids on his rec team right now, and certainly not in front of him. Kind of like academics -- praise the effort if you want it to continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

You shouldn't use food for comfort.

He doesn't always pick ice cream. Sometimes he picks going to buy a new Lego toy or something. But seriously, I just said my kid is a star soccer player who pushes himself too hard -- a bowl of ice cream is not going to kill him or make him fat. I see what you're saying about "using food for comfort" but it's the "treat" that's the comfort -- sometimes he picks food, sometimes he doesn't.

Just a word of advice, I'd stop referring to a 7 year old as a "star" soccer player. In my experience the kids who were "stars" at that age were the ones it came easiest to. They may not be the "stars" when they have to put the work in, particularly if they've come to think of themselves as "stars." Better to say he's one of the better kids on his rec team right now, and certainly not in front of him. Kind of like academics -- praise the effort if you want it to continue.

Of course we don't say that in front of him. It's just the easiest way to covey via shorthand that he's one of the few players on his team with actual skill. All the kids know to pass the ball to him if they want it to go in the goal. I'll be sure to use precise and PC terminology next time for all of you literalists here on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I'm having trouble figuring how a goalie would get a handball call. But clearly you don't know much about soccer or you wouldn't be arguing what you are arguing.

clearly you haven't watched enough kiddie soccer; or your league doesn't enforce it in U10 yet.

NP here. A goalie can be called for handling the ball if he is outside the box; however, in that case there will not be a penalty kick awarded to the other team Instead, the attacking team will be awarded a direct free kick at the place (outside the box) where the handling occurred. A goalkeeper cannot be called for handling the ball within his own penalty area, so PP's example of "a penalty goal on a handball call on him" could not ever happen if the rules are properly applied.

OP, I love the advice you got from the PP who recommended that if all else fails you should watch soccer bloopers with your son. This is a great practice for any child who is playing sports and has perfectionistic tendencies. Or for anyone who likes a good laugh.

I hope that your team doesn't have your son slotted as a full-time keeper at this point? He's too young for this, and it will hurt his development in the long run. It's good for little kids to rotate through that position, in part so they can all understand how hard it is to defend that great big goal at the younger ages. My kids teams always had a rule up until U12 or so: It's never the keepers fault. Anyone who breathed a word to the contrary would hear about it from the coaches.

One other piece of advice: Don't talk to the other parents about anything their kid may have said. All kids can be knuckleheads at this age, especially when their emotions are running strong after a loss. Let the coaches handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I'm having trouble figuring how a goalie would get a handball call. But clearly you don't know much about soccer or you wouldn't be arguing what you are arguing.

clearly you haven't watched enough kiddie soccer; or your league doesn't enforce it in U10 yet.

NP here. A goalie can be called for handling the ball if he is outside the box; however, in that case there will not be a penalty kick awarded to the other team Instead, the attacking team will be awarded a direct free kick at the place (outside the box) where the handling occurred. A goalkeeper cannot be called for handling the ball within his own penalty area, so PP's example of "a penalty goal on a handball call on him" could not ever happen if the rules are properly applied.

OP, I love the advice you got from the PP who recommended that if all else fails you should watch soccer bloopers with your son. This is a great practice for any child who is playing sports and has perfectionistic tendencies. Or for anyone who likes a good laugh.

I hope that your team doesn't have your son slotted as a full-time keeper at this point? He's too young for this, and it will hurt his development in the long run. It's good for little kids to rotate through that position, in part so they can all understand how hard it is to defend that great big goal at the younger ages. My kids teams always had a rule up until U12 or so: It's never the keepers fault. Anyone who breathed a word to the contrary would hear about it from the coaches.

One other piece of advice: Don't talk to the other parents about anything their kid may have said. All kids can be knuckleheads at this age, especially when their emotions are running strong after a loss. Let the coaches handle it.

Thanks. No, he's not a full-time keeper. His squad of 11 kids rotates about 5-6 of them in goal. I don't think DS is destined to be a keeper (thank goodness, for the sake of my blood pressure) but he likes to play it.

I wish DS's coaches were a little more focused on the sportsmanship aspect of the game at this age; I'm not sure if they will really address this issue properly.