How do you deal with feeling sad about kid's disappointment?

[Anonymous]

what if it's really his fault - like he let a harmless roller get through his legs? or a penalty goal on a handball call on him? you can't honestly blame the TEAM for that!!!

[Anonymous]

OP here. That wasn't the situation, but I would argue for a harmless roller, it was the defense's fault the other team was in position to get a shot. Re the penalty shot, had the team performed better, the other team wouldn't be shooting a penalty shot. Certainly the goalie plays a role, but It's never just the goalie's fault.

[Anonymous]

And I'm having trouble figuring how a goalie would get a handball call. But clearly you don't know much about soccer or you wouldn't be arguing what you are arguing.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was you. My oldest son was a soccer goalie all through school until age 16. I suffered so to see him in goal -- worried constantly he'd lose the shot and was devastated when it happened. At first my son was devastated, but over the years he become more resilient about it. On the other hand, it never got easier for me.

It's the same with me and all my kids' disappointments. I literally have to restrain myself from feeling every problem they go through as if it's happening to me. My husband jokes that I have too much empathy! It's that, but also that I project a lot onto my kids and make it too much about me. I've been to therapy about it and have learned to walk the line between caring too much and being detached. It's gotten better.

I have a mantra I say to myself, it goes something like this: "This isn't about me, and my job is just to help them be their best in life. It will all work out and I have my own life too." It may sound cheesy but it helps me step back and calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

You shouldn't use food for comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

No wonder he continues to get upset after his team loses -- he's learned that if he acts upset, he gets a treat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. That wasn't the situation, but I would argue for a harmless roller, it was the defense's fault the other team was in position to get a shot. Re the penalty shot, had the team performed better, the other team wouldn't be shooting a penalty shot. Certainly the goalie plays a role, but It's never just the goalie's fault.

+1

In team sports, a loss is never just one player's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. That wasn't the situation, but I would argue for a harmless roller, it was the defense's fault the other team was in position to get a shot. Re the penalty shot, had the team performed better, the other team wouldn't be shooting a penalty shot. Certainly the goalie plays a role, but It's never just the goalie's fault.

+1

In team sports, a loss is never just one player's fault.

of course, because your special snowflakes can do no wrong! it's always someone else's fault... or the ref's fault!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9yo DS's soccer team last weekend lost a tournament game when he gave up the tying and winning scores while in goal. He felt disappointed and responsible, more so when a teammate made a mean comment to him. I can't help but feel sad that he feels sad. I keep thinking, these types of disappointments will happen more and more often as the kids get older. How do I learn to let it go and not empathize so much?

Coach here: The other kid making a mean comment needs to be addressed. Even in the hint of frustration, that is unacceptable, and it sows ill will on a team. You win together, you lose together. There's never just ONE play that changes the outcome of a game, especially in a team sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what if it's really his fault - like he let a harmless roller get through his legs? or a penalty goal on a handball call on him? you can't honestly blame the TEAM for that!!!

It took a series of errors for the ball to get near him. Sure, any one kid can be the last straw, but they didn't lose because the rest of the boys were awesome that day.

Team sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. That wasn't the situation, but I would argue for a harmless roller, it was the defense's fault the other team was in position to get a shot. Re the penalty shot, had the team performed better, the other team wouldn't be shooting a penalty shot. Certainly the goalie plays a role, but It's never just the goalie's fault.

+1

In team sports, a loss is never just one player's fault.

of course, because your special snowflakes can do no wrong! it's always someone else's fault... or the ref's fault!!!

A goal is rarely one person's doing, either. Always remember to cheer for the kid who did the assist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. That wasn't the situation, but I would argue for a harmless roller, it was the defense's fault the other team was in position to get a shot. Re the penalty shot, had the team performed better, the other team wouldn't be shooting a penalty shot. Certainly the goalie plays a role, but It's never just the goalie's fault.

+1

In team sports, a loss is never just one player's fault.

of course, because your special snowflakes can do no wrong! it's always someone else's fault... or the ref's fault!!!

A goal is rarely one person's doing, either. Always remember to cheer for the kid who did the assist.

Absolutely! Just as one player can't be blamed for a loss, one player shouldn't be given credit for a win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I'm having trouble figuring how a goalie would get a handball call. But clearly you don't know much about soccer or you wouldn't be arguing what you are arguing.

clearly you haven't watched enough kiddie soccer; or your league doesn't enforce it in U10 yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9yo DS's soccer team last weekend lost a tournament game when he gave up the tying and winning scores while in goal. He felt disappointed and responsible, more so when a teammate made a mean comment to him. I can't help but feel sad that he feels sad. I keep thinking, these types of disappointments will happen more and more often as the kids get older. How do I learn to let it go and not empathize so much?

Coach here: The other kid making a mean comment needs to be addressed. Even in the hint of frustration, that is unacceptable, and it sows ill will on a team. You win together, you lose together. There's never just ONE play that changes the outcome of a game, especially in a team sport.

OP here: The assistant coach addressed it in the moment with the other kid. I haven't pursued it further bc I don't want to be a helicopter mom, but is there more I should be doing? Should I make sure the main coach knows it happened? Not sure what the coaches would do because they're not coddling types, KWIM? Should I mention it to the kid's mom? I considered that because if my kid was being a douchebag, I think I'd want to know about it. But I haven't done it because, again, I don't want to be overreacting.