How do you deal with feeling sad about kid's disappointment?

[Anonymous]

9yo DS's soccer team last weekend lost a tournament game when he gave up the tying and winning scores while in goal. He felt disappointed and responsible, more so when a teammate made a mean comment to him. I can't help but feel sad that he feels sad. I keep thinking, these types of disappointments will happen more and more often as the kids get older. How do I learn to let it go and not empathize so much?

[Anonymous]

hmmm Maybe try to concentrate on these disappointments leading him to being stronger. Imagine him as an older grown man being more able to deal with life setbacks because he was learning to deal with them as a child.

[Anonymous]

The first thing he needs to learn as goalie is that if the other team scores, HIS ENTIRE TEAM is to blame not just him.

And he needs to say that to any asshole kids on his team who blame him.

[Anonymous]

"You know what? I get it. It's disappointing. This is a team sport. It's not all on one person if you win or you lose. It's also just a game. If there's something you'd like to work on more so it's different next time, we can do that."

[Anonymous]

Thanks -- I think he gets all of that on a certain level, but it's hard not to feel disappointed and I think it's just natural to feel somewhat responsible.

I guess my question is more is, is there any way to detach myself from it, or is it just natural that you will feel your kid's disappointments (and joys) and the root solution is to try to help your kid shake it off?

[Anonymous]

I think you just have to put on your best poker face sometimes. I still feel my kid's hurts. It's part of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first thing he needs to learn as goalie is that if the other team scores, HIS ENTIRE TEAM is to blame not just him.

And he needs to say that to any asshole kids on his team who blame him.

Oh, and I wish I could wring that kid's neck! The coach heard him and called him on it, and he denied saying anything. I don't want to make any bigger of a deal out of it. I hope that being called on it will shame the kid into learning from it and behaving differently. I know that has happened to me at times in my life.

[Anonymous]

He can be upset about it - - that's to be expected and shows he is competitive. But, this is a good teaching moment - in all sports you have to be able to put the mistakes behind you and move forward. Usually, very quickly. A golfer who is mad about missing an easy putt may well blow his/her tee shot on the next hole. A basketball player who misses a shot can't let that prevent him from taking a good shot the next time down the floor, a baseball player who swings at a bad pitch can't let that keep him from concentrating on the next one.

At 9 he is going to make lots of mistakes that are purely his, e.g. let a ball go through his hands. The result of those mistakes is often going to mean giving up a goal. What he can do is continue to work, practice and learn about his position and the techniques used to play it so that he gets better and better at it. What you can do is work with him to become a more confident and better keeper. There are lots of keeper clinics and keeper trainers out there who offer lessons. It is a tough position and it has its unique tactics and skill sets that do not get addressed much (or at all) in team practices.

Finally, at 9 some kid may say something about making a mistake, but that stuff stops pretty quick. Soccer is a team game where all the players make mistakes. Giving up a goal is usually the result of a series of errors made by various players along the way. And, of course, your team could have always scored more goals too.

If he is still upset about it today -- spend a few minutes and look up some keeper bloopers on youtube. Even the best keepers in the world will make a silly mistake from time to time.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you actually want to get too detached. Detachment from a kid's feelings seems too close to detachment from the kid himself. However, I think you can help yourself by keeping it in perspective - your kid may not realize how small a single soccer game will be in the course of his life, but you already know that this hurt is going to fade, that it's really not that big a deal in the scheme of things, and he needs to experience small disappointments to learn resiliency. So I'd say, continue to sympathize but as the adult, try to keep each thing in perspective and remember that life is long.

[Anonymous]

My kid is one of the "stars" of his soccer team and so he takes it really personally if they don't win, like it's his fault. I've found that arguing with him about it is useless -- I just remind him that it's a team sport, he can't be everywhere on the field at once, and he's not perfect, nor is he expected to be. Then I take him out for the treat of his choice. A big bowl of ice cream and sympathy from mom seems to fix things pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

US Team goalie Tim Howard has a really good youth book -
including dealing with winning/losing - vs. trying and overcoming adversity (he has tourettes and was bullied growing up). Might be a good inroad for talking about perspective of feeling that pressure & dealing with it as a positive? My nephew loved the book. Just a thought.

http://www.amazon.com/Keeper-Unguarded-Story-Howard-Readers/dp/0062387553/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1427224676&sr=8-2&keywords=tim+howard+book

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks -- I think he gets all of that on a certain level, but it's hard not to feel disappointed and I think it's just natural to feel somewhat responsible.

I guess my question is more is, is there any way to detach myself from it, or is it just natural that you will feel your kid's disappointments (and joys) and the root solution is to try to help your kid shake it off?

I also feel this, too. When the kids are really sad, I empathize so much. It's good for them to see that you "get it".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you actually want to get too detached. Detachment from a kid's feelings seems too close to detachment from the kid himself. However, I think you can help yourself by keeping it in perspective - your kid may not realize how small a single soccer game will be in the course of his life, but you already know that this hurt is going to fade, that it's really not that big a deal in the scheme of things, and he needs to experience small disappointments to learn resiliency. So I'd say, continue to sympathize but as the adult, try to keep each thing in perspective and remember that life is long.

This sounds like good advice. Both of you are entitled to your feelings about this so it's okay to feel sad for your kid. But your kid shouldn't feel as if he has to make mom feel better. Like the pps have been saying, this is something he will learn from and you have to step back and let him learn it. Just don't give him the extra burden of having to get over it to make you feel better -- don't think you're headed that way but I thought I'd give that advice just in case you were.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the book rec and all the kind advice.

[Anonymous]

Former club basketball coach here. I think you have gotten good advice. I often said that you cannot blame one play or player for a team loss. And I only had to deal with players blaming another player one time. I overheard it and told both kids what I said earlier. But I drove that point home by spending part of the next practice looking at the tape of the game with the team. I pointed out EVERY single mistake that they made - not in an accusatory way, but in teaching/coaching way. At the end, they saw that they had all made mistakes and that one mistake by one person did not cost the game - it was cumulative mistakes by everyone, inclding the knucklehead coach they had.

What I have told my own kids is that in whatever they do, there will be disappointed. It is a part of the games we love and a part of life itself. You win soe and you lose some. The best players in any sport have short memories. I tis hard to win the next game or have a good next practice if you dwell on a past mistake. Right after a loss, I always tell my kids "next play, next game." You get 24 hours to be disapointed. After that, we move on.