Help! Socially challenged daughter...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a job OP! You've got too much time on your hands and are way too involved in your kid's social life to her detriment.

stfu

I do NOT think the OP is too involved. I think she is a concerned parent about an upsetting issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the advice so far. It is very helpful.

To those of you who think that I am too involved - I certainly understand that. I wish I could step back. As others pointed out, that's one good reason to send her to a therapist. I am usually a "natural consequences" parent. I let my kids make mistakes and deal with the consequences. But, in this situation, she would self-destruct. I have no doubt about it. Also, she actually reaches out to me and wants my help quite often. though there are plenty of other times when she thinks I'm being nosy.

Most of what I know about her drama is from her texts and instagram. I will not apologize for snooping on her phone! that was the deal when she got her phone and opened social media accounts. I have full access to them until I feel that she is mature and knowledgeable enough to handle it on her own. She obviously hasn't reached that point.

I do not think she's a lesbian, but I guess I wouldn't completely rule that out. She certainly doesn't go for the most attractive in the group. And based on the male crushes she's had, appearance seems to be a big factor for her. :/ Like I said, this started in preschool. Then in grade school. Again (sort of) in 6th grade. Now it's happening again. It's always the most outgoing in the group that she's drawn to. Every single time. I think she just has this vision of hanging out with a bff, laughing, and being silly all the time. She just can't picture someone quieter (like her) being that way. It's easier to visualize having that with someone who already acts that way. She has some friends at school who are quiet and laid back, but she doesn't have any desire to hang out with them outside of school.

People have said to me that it's a teenage thing and she will outgrow it, but it's not a teen thing in her case. It's the way she's always been.

I hate to pull her away from this group because it really is a great group of girls. they haven't done anything wrong. They are definitely pulling away from her, but I can't blame them for that. When she went through this in grade school, it was a group that I couldn't wait to get her away from. She was much better off without them. But that's not the case here. It's a dance team that she is on, and I simply can't pay all this money again next year when there is nothing but drama. I can't take dance away from her completely, but I'm thinking I can find something that is a more focused and less social setting.

I think it's a great idea to watch mean girls with her. I haven't seen it yet and I don't think she has either.

Someone mentioned Asperger's. I took a quick look at the symptoms and I think that could be a possibility. I need to take a much closer look at that.

You're a great mom for being involved. Don't take her to a therapist, she doesn't need one, she needs you. It sounds awesome that she comes to you and tells you things, it's important to keep that close relationship going, don't give that relationship away to a therapist. I replied another day about that your daughter sounds like she is a one-on-one type of person. If she doesn't do dance next year, tell her that until she does not find a close friend to just try to hang out in groups of kids and not take it so seriously.

I'm also very involved with my daughter. She confides in me, I give her advice. It's great to have a close mother-daughter relationship.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the responses, but I read your original post.

I would have a "final talk" with her. Reiterate the most important points you've made in the past and then tell her you are going to stop trying to orchestrate her social maneuverings. She has heard what you have to say and it is up to her to implement or ignore your advice. Without having you as a crutch maybe she will finally learn from her mistakes and mature a bit.

It's no different than a diet; you can tell someone what they need to do to lose weight, but they have to take the initiative to make the necessary changes. Further nagging is pointless and can backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- You sound like a great mom. My DD behaves similarly in that she latches on to a BFF. I don't think your situation is unique. I actually was talking to another mom this morning too who has a DD in my daughter's grade and she said that her daughter does the same thing. However, I think what makes your DD's situation more unique is that she gravitates to the most popular child and gets jealous too easily.

Do you stress popularity in your household? If you are worried so much about her socially could she interpret your desires as that she needs to improve her social standing? Being BFF's with a child of high social standing would increase hers. In your DD's situation, that higher social standing is short lived as she eventually becomes the outcast. Of course this makes her doubt herself more and she's probably more easily manipulated the next time due to the "fall".

If I were you, I would focus on helping her determine what characteristics that she needs to look for in friends. I wouldn't force her into trying to be a part of a large group of "friends" as that's not her style but encourage her to invite different friends over. Probably easier if one is soccer and another is from church (eg). If she has different friends from different groups, maybe she'll develop the confidence that she needs so that she doesn't become too dependent on one.

When you start to see things become unhealthy like looking at Instagram 25 times in a day, take away her phone etc and have her invite another friend over to do something fun.

I know what I've written is overly simplistic. I think the fact that she has some awareness of what she does is a good thing. One day she'll realize the emotional drain isn't worth that temporary high.

I also tell my DD that

OP here. Lots of good advice and insight here. Thank you.

I can honestly say that we do not stress popularity at all. In fact, when any of my kids mention the word "popular" I tend to remind them that you don't want to peak too soon! I've told her before that the popular kids from my school stayed in our hometown, raising their kids to play the same sport that they played. certainly nothing wrong with that if that's what makes them happy. I just know that that's not the future my dd envisions for herself. I also told her that the quiet, quirky kids went on to have interesting and fulfilling lives. Also, I don't think I would consider any of her target girls to be popular. They are always just fun and outgoing. Her team is made up of girls from all different schools, so none of them can really advance her social standing anyway. there doesn't seem to be social rankings within her dance team. Of course some girls are more well-liked than others, but there isn't a popular group or any cliques.

Since I wrote this post, I've been wondering where she even got the notion that she should have a BFF. Most of her classmates don't have that. They tend to have a small group of BFFs. None of our family friends or relatives have that. I had a BFF in middle school and a BFF in college. Both friendships kind of fizzled when they got serious boyfriends. So, it occurred to me that she must get it from TV shows and movies. She grew up watching a lot of Full House reruns and Disney shows. In these shows, the girl always has that one BFF. Maybe I need to talk to her and remind her that those are fictional characters, and that they hang out with the same friend all the time so that the show doesn't have to hire more actors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- You sound like a great mom. My DD behaves similarly in that she latches on to a BFF. I don't think your situation is unique. I actually was talking to another mom this morning too who has a DD in my daughter's grade and she said that her daughter does the same thing. However, I think what makes your DD's situation more unique is that she gravitates to the most popular child and gets jealous too easily.

Do you stress popularity in your household? If you are worried so much about her socially could she interpret your desires as that she needs to improve her social standing? Being BFF's with a child of high social standing would increase hers. In your DD's situation, that higher social standing is short lived as she eventually becomes the outcast. Of course this makes her doubt herself more and she's probably more easily manipulated the next time due to the "fall".

If I were you, I would focus on helping her determine what characteristics that she needs to look for in friends. I wouldn't force her into trying to be a part of a large group of "friends" as that's not her style but encourage her to invite different friends over. Probably easier if one is soccer and another is from church (eg). If she has different friends from different groups, maybe she'll develop the confidence that she needs so that she doesn't become too dependent on one.

When you start to see things become unhealthy like looking at Instagram 25 times in a day, take away her phone etc and have her invite another friend over to do something fun.

I know what I've written is overly simplistic. I think the fact that she has some awareness of what she does is a good thing. One day she'll realize the emotional drain isn't worth that temporary high.

I also tell my DD that

OP here. Lots of good advice and insight here. Thank you.

I can honestly say that we do not stress popularity at all. In fact, when any of my kids mention the word "popular" I tend to remind them that you don't want to peak too soon! I've told her before that the popular kids from my school stayed in our hometown, raising their kids to play the same sport that they played. certainly nothing wrong with that if that's what makes them happy. I just know that that's not the future my dd envisions for herself. I also told her that the quiet, quirky kids went on to have interesting and fulfilling lives. Also, I don't think I would consider any of her target girls to be popular. They are always just fun and outgoing. Her team is made up of girls from all different schools, so none of them can really advance her social standing anyway. there doesn't seem to be social rankings within her dance team. Of course some girls are more well-liked than others, but there isn't a popular group or any cliques.

Since I wrote this post, I've been wondering where she even got the notion that she should have a BFF. Most of her classmates don't have that. They tend to have a small group of BFFs. None of our family friends or relatives have that. I had a BFF in middle school and a BFF in college. Both friendships kind of fizzled when they got serious boyfriends. So, it occurred to me that she must get it from TV shows and movies. She grew up watching a lot of Full House reruns and Disney shows. In these shows, the girl always has that one BFF. Maybe I need to talk to her and remind her that those are fictional characters, and that they hang out with the same friend all the time so that the show doesn't have to hire more actors.

I'm the one who wrote that first response above and again you have confirmed to me with your last response that you are a very caring and devoted mom. She is very lucky to have you as though she lacks the social graces she has you as a good model, and that's worth 10,000 therapists. I don't know if I would put so much emphasis on not having a BFF as that seems to be very important to her. Given your daughter's personality, she is going to always have few close and intense friendships and that's okay. However in IMHO you can explain to her what really being a BFF means- giving the other child space and an understanding that the other child might have interests that don't involve your daughter and that is normal and healthy. I would also try to make her understand how the BFF might be feeling when your daughter calls too much stressing empathy. Also being a BFF means that sometimes you realize that your lives are going in different directions and that the BFF needs to spread her wings and that might result in a natural drifting but that's okay too. If you can get her to change in her mind what the meaning of a" BFF" should be then I think you will have more success than if you tell her not to have one since this is SO important to her.

[Anonymous]

My daughter tries to lock on to one BFF and I had someone I know who is a therapist say that kids who are less socially agile, flexible or intuitive find groups of kids hard to deal with because they are much more unpredictable and complicated than a one-on-one friendship or threesome.

My DD is like this. She's a bright, friendly person but she is NOT quick socially. In preschool she'd be having fun playing in a scenario with peers but then when they shifted the play scenario she was left behind (like when they switched from playing house to playing animal vets.) Every year since in school she latches on to one kid who likes her at first but then gets tired of her. It's much easier for my DD to understand and respond to one main person but it fails her every time!

[Anonymous]

OP -- there are social skills/social confidence groups for girls. Check out "In Step" -- in Ffx. If you aren't nearby, then look for something similar in your area. My DD is in a "girls group" and it is really nice to hear how they are sharing and connecting as they learn to deal with challenges. Sometimes the groups are focussed on setting boundaries, impulsivity, anxiety, etc. Similar issues are grouped together. It's sort of group therapy, but we don't call it that. It's a girls social group. Help your DD become aware of the dynamic. I think she just needs a little adjustment... or she will learn it on her own by the feedback she is getting.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP - this sounded a little similar to my DD, who was for years drawn to the most outgoing and social girl, and felt rejected, sullen and sad that the girl did not want to be her best friend. She was ultimately diagnosed with anxiety. Please keep that in your mind as a possibility, and consider getting help for her if you do think it could be anxiety. My DD is doing so well now that she is being appropriately treated.

For those parents who have advised that you resist seeking therapy because it may close off your relationship with your DD, I would just counter that therapy has helped my DD immensely, and it has helped our relationship too. She still opens up all the time to me, but she also has another adult who will listen to her, and who can offer suggestions for how to constructively work through challenges.

[Anonymous]

Hello OP I have read through this whole thing and I have to admit I think I was very similar to your DD when I was in middle school.

What helped was having quite individualized outlets - so I went to music school on the weekends where I met some similarly minded people and I started taking drama - it was a great way of letting off steam, literally a valve for releasing intense feelings in a controlled, creative way.

I think you sound like a fantastic mom. She is going to fare so much better because she has your support.