Help! Socially challenged daughter...

[Anonymous]

I have watched my dd (8th grade) destroy her social life over and over again. It really saddens me, and I don't know what to do about it. So I am turning to dcum for help, knowing that I will likely be judged and ridiculed by some.

Here's the pattern that she has repeated several times in various social setting, starting with preschool. She will have a great group of girls to hang out with, but she will zero in on ONE girl who (in her mind) is supposed to become her bff. The girl that she zeros in on is always the most outgoing, social girl in the group. It's always the one who wants to hang out with everyone and is not going to spend all of her time with one best friend. DD is not very outgoing, so she can't relate to someone constantly wanting to work the room like that. DD is also hot headed and impulsive so she reacts every time she gets her feelings hurt.

So, here's the latest. Last year she joined a team, and I was so excited for her. I truly felt that she had found her people. For the first time in her life, she fit in and was accepted by her friends for who she is. They really got her sense of humor and just adored her. Other parents complimented me on her humor, good attitude, and hard work. She was finally getting invited to do all kinds of stuff with these friends. Being a part of this team was one of the best things that's ever happened to her.

Apparently that was the honeymoon phase...

Once again, she has become obsessed with making one girl her bff. This girl clearly does not want that and would prefer to hang out with someone different every week. DD is just one person in her rotation. When they are with the team, she often chooses to hang out with others instead of dd. This makes dd grumpy toward everyone and basically just unpleasant to be around. This girl posts lots of pics on instagram hanging out with other teammates and dd ends of sending texts or posting comments about not being included. So, at this point, the other girls on the team are distancing themselves from dd. The invitations have stopped coming. When dd invites any of the girls to do stuff, they never seem to be available, although she won't invite people very often. That's another issue - she wants to sit back and wait to be invited, but doesn't take the initiative often enough.

I have talked and talked and talked with dd about all of this. I have pointed out that it is a pattern, and has never worked out for her. We talked about the last group this happened with, and that she missed out on becoming good friends with a lot of wonderful girls in the group because she was so focused on being jealous of two girls who were hanging out with each other all the time. She does realize this and says that she regrets it, and is sad that she missed out on all the fun she could have had with that group. She does want to change, but just can't seem to stop being so reactive.

It is also becoming a complete waste of money having her on this team! It's very expensive, and she spends too much of that time feeling miserable, and she's not focusing. At this point, I don't plan on letting her be a part of this team next year. But we are committed to finishing out the school year.

I realize that this post makes her sound crazy. She's really not. She's a good kid - bright compassionate, sweet, funny. but she does have a pretty serious issue here, and I know we need to deal with it somehow.

She has just always wanted that one best friend, and I get that. She would rather have that than a big group of friends. I want her to find that someday since it is so very important to her. But it will never happen if she keeps this up.

I am at a loss and have no idea what to do. I want to help her, but I can't keep repeating the same talk over and over again. I'm sure she could use some counseling, but she would flip out at the thought of going. Not because she thinks there's anything wrong with counseling in general. She would just be mortified at the thought of having to open up to a stranger.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this merits counseling. Kids have to learn to manage their social lives and we sometimes need to learn from our mistakes.

I think you are too involved and social media is making it too easy for her to make foolish decisions and obsess.

If she has the apps on her phone, have her delete them. She can check the accounts once a day from a family computer and that's it.

[Anonymous]

That's rough, OP. I think you are right that talking with her isn't going to make much headway. Even if she's not thrilled at the idea of going to a therapist, it might be helpful.

You might want to consider a social skills group for her. Someplace that utilizes the social thinking curriculum, e.g.,: https://www.socialthinking.com/books-products/products-by-age-range/middle-school

You may also want to watch Mean Girls with her. It shows the journey how a girl can find her authentic self.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, your daughter doesn't sound crazy. But you kinda do, and I mean that kindly. I think you are deeply, deeply overinvolved in these dynamics and you don't see it.

Sports teams are very unlikely to be the way that she will meet a single solitary BFF like that. By their nature, they cater to group socialization.

[Anonymous]

So basically she scare people away by being overly possessive and jealous.

Not good......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So basically she scare people away by being overly possessive and jealous.

Not good......

I have an adult friend like that. She did that she scared me away. I feel bad about it though.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to try and become close with a more quiet type of person, one that she can talk with one on one with on the phone or at school who she can ask to do stuff on the weekend with.

Also, you've prob. already told her this, but she needs to think before she speaks.

Also, if she spends her time looking mad or sullen (for whatever reason) in a group, people will slowly stop hanging out with that type of person.

[Anonymous]

Some thoughts:

1. She would benefit from therapy if only because you shouldn't always be in the role of helping her work through this. Its very stressful for you and you have your own anxieties about whats happening. Others see you as overinvolved and there's something to that but its also an outgrowth of taking on the responsibility of your DD's happiness. If you can delegate this to a professional it will help both of you.

2. My DD used to have a lot of issues with friends -- they were "mean" to her, or she felt like she didn't really have friends. Ultimately things kind of snowballed and she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder that often manifested as social anxiety. I'm not saying thats what happening with your DD but its something to be aware of and another reason to bring a professional in.

3. Is it possible she is gay and is having crushes on these girls, resulting in stronger emotions around it all? Just putting that out there.

Middle school is tough and many girls work this out by high school but some just get in a deeper hole, my DD included. There are a lot of reasons here to get some outside help.

[Anonymous]

10:00 here. I think some people are "group" people, they always have a group around them, they like to do things in a group, etc.

Some people are "one-on-one" people. They like to talk to one best friend and confide in that person.

Your DD is a "one-on-one" type and doesn't realize it, and she also doesn't realize there are others who are "group" people. Talk to her about that.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her that she should not put all her eggs in one basket because inevitably, friends fight or dump each other and she'll be left out in the cold and depressed (which is obviously what is happening). Emphasize that concept over and over again until it sinks in. Praise her when she doesn't zero in on a target BFF and instead works to make more than one friend. Do NOT sympathize with her when she shows disappointment about being rejected in her pursuits to bag a BFF. Yes, it is possessiveness and it is NOT healthy.

Also, encourage her to make friends in all situations. I often tell my kids about the friendships that I struck in the remoteness of places in my younger traveling days with people of every race, ethnicity, age, class, etc. Ok, I realize you are going to say that I am encouraging children to talk to strangers and potential ax murderers, but just saying that she should not think that she can only have one BFF and she can only make friends within a specific social circle.

[Anonymous]

^^Tell her that having a BFF is "so second grade". That'll make her snap out of it!

[Anonymous]

I wish I had better advice for you. Maybe she should find activities that are less group focused. Theater, chess club come to mind.

Other than that, I would role play with her to try and break back into the group. Have her say hey guys - I know I have been acting a little clingy lately, just had a lot of things going on, but I am in a good place now. Thanks for dealing with my nuttiness. And keep reminding her that if she keeps acting this way, she will distance herself. Let her know that you understand she isn't a big group person and that is ok. You will find other activities to make friends that fit her personality better.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is too involved-- this is an issue of social understanding. I have a DS with social issues and it's heartbreaking to see him make mistakes that cause others to distance themselves. When a kid feels like that don't have friends (or the friendship that they hoped to have) it can cause anxiety and depression.

OP I absolutely agree with the suggestion of social skills therapy. It sounds like your DD is not able to adjust her behavior and take others' views into consideration in social situations. This is exactly the dynamic that social skills therapy can help. Your DD's behavior sounds like it is driven by anxiety and resulting impulsivity and insecurity. Your DD will gain confidence when she can maintain friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:00 here. I think some people are "group" people, they always have a group around them, they like to do things in a group, etc.

Some people are "one-on-one" people. They like to talk to one best friend and confide in that person.

Your DD is a "one-on-one" type and doesn't realize it, and she also doesn't realize there are others who are "group" people. Talk to her about that.

This is very true. Funnily enough, I am a group person and was always jealous of the girls who are one on one people.

Anyhow, what about finding an activity for her that caters to one on one types? Perhaps she and ONE of her friends could take an art class or music class together? Or knitting?

[Anonymous]

OP, what you are describing is me back when I was a teenager. I was very, very clingy. And yes, I did drive lots of people away by being possessive. By the time I went to college, I was incredibly insecure and was afraid to get attached to anyone. I became very aloof and it took me a while to meet new people, let alone to become friends with them. I wish back then my parents took me to see a specialist. I am now in my 30s and it's hard for me to form relationships. I have a very small circle of girlfriends, whom I am often afraid to call or e-mail too often as I don't want to seem needy. The song "all by myself" is definitely about me. So please, don't wait, take her to a shrink. Enroll her in social skills groups.