What to Say After Tonight's Defeat that Concludes a Bad Season (5th Gr Boy Rec Basketball)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the "I love to watch you play." is good. Otherwise, OP, don't say anything. Or if you must say something, say "I'm sorry you are feeling so disappointed." or something.

Really, that's all it's about. If he continues to go on about it, I'd tell him off. I'd tell him to stop wallowing and get over it. He played how he played. Don't let him blame others. Put it in perspective if you must. Christ, it's just a game. Tell him to be glad that's his biggest problem, and that if he's going to make such a fuss about losing maybe he's not cut out to play sports.

Wow, that is awful. People's feelings don't change just because you told them to feel differently.

Your first paragraph was spot-on. Your second one . . . look, I get how that would be happening in your head, but you need to keep it there. If you can't take any more, "I know you're feeling down, but you have three more minutes of venting and then you need to talk about something else, or nothing, because I don't think it's helping you."

I was that PP, and you're right, your phrasing is better. I just have no patience when people throw huge, long-lasting hissy fits over losing at sports. The whole thing about sports is that someone wins and someone loses. Do people honestly think they can get by without ever being on the losing side? But I wouldn't say that that meant he wasn't cut out to play sports. But I think I would have said I wasn't going to listen to any more self-bashing or blaming others, and suggest he let it go. I think your saying that it's not helping him is good.
And I do have patience with a little bit of unhappiness with losing. As the other mom said, at that point you can say you admire their drive/dedication. Their passion. But if it goes on and on, it's just wallowing, which is annoying. And to me it shows a lack of awareness of what sports are really all about. I think the OP was talking about the kind of wallowing that goes on longer than is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

My son plays basketball. He's on a development team (first time playing basketball as a team sport). They suck...really bad.

I'm very honest with my son (who is one of the star players, which isn't saying much). I tell him where he/they could have done better, things to watch/try to improve in the next game, etc. I don't BS him. He wants to win, I want him to win and I try to show him ways to improve his game. He's gotten a LOT better and more aggressive as the season went on, but I doubt the team will win a game. They really do suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son plays basketball. He's on a development team (first time playing basketball as a team sport). They suck...really bad.

I'm very honest with my son (who is one of the star players, which isn't saying much). I tell him where he/they could have done better, things to watch/try to improve in the next game, etc. I don't BS him. He wants to win, I want him to win and I try to show him ways to improve his game. He's gotten a LOT better and more aggressive as the season went on, but I doubt the team will win a game. They really do suck.

Just curious- how old is he?

[Anonymous]

You don't really have to say much at all. Let him vent if he wants. Otherwise move on.

What you do need to do though is make some decisions about basketball. If he is not having fun with this team maybe it is time to move on. It is not difficult to find more competitive basketball leagues/teams where he may find more kids who think about basketball the way he thinks about basketball.

The questions really pertain to whether it makes sense for your son and your family to have him devote some more time to basketball. Is he athletic enough and big enough to step up to a more competitive league? Would you support him in getting some outside coaching to improve his skills? Is he frustrated because his teammates do not want to work as hard or play as hard as he does, or is he frustrated because they do not win? If your kid is busting his tail on the court and he is playing with kids who are there for reasons like -- it is good exercise, or their parents think it is a social thing -- then he may well be ready to move on.

[Anonymous]

Find some humor in it. That makes everything better.

[Anonymous]

OP, that is us every other year. It is an important lesson in life. While this may sound cliche', look around at all of the grown adults who have such terrible coping mechanisms and act out (blatantly or not).

They need to know that they tried, and that there is always next year. If you make a huge deal out of it, you will make them feel worse.

[Anonymous]

My son has had several seasons where they lost every game or almost every game. I don't mind at all. He thinks he's a great player (he's not). He's aware that they lose each game, but he still wants to come back the next season -- that tells me he really likes playing the game. If they were winning all the time, I wouldn't know if he just liked being on a winning team or if he liked playing the game. It's easy to like a sport/team when they are winners.

(I kind of roll my eyes at people who are Cowboys fans and never lived in TX -- yeah, it's easy to pick them as your favorite team. I'm impressed by anyone who can still claim to be a Wash. football fan -- that takes true love of the game!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was that PP, and you're right, your phrasing is better.

Aw, thanks.

I just have no patience when people throw huge, long-lasting hissy fits over losing at sports.

You and me both. How do you think I came up with my phrasing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the "I love to watch you play." is good. Otherwise, OP, don't say anything. Or if you must say something, say "I'm sorry you are feeling so disappointed." or something.

Really, that's all it's about. If he continues to go on about it, I'd tell him off. I'd tell him to stop wallowing and get over it. He played how he played. Don't let him blame others. Put it in perspective if you must. Christ, it's just a game. Tell him to be glad that's his biggest problem, and that if he's going to make such a fuss about losing maybe he's not cut out to play sports.

Wow, that is awful. People's feelings don't change just because you told them to feel differently.

Your first paragraph was spot-on. Your second one . . . look, I get how that would be happening in your head, but you need to keep it there. If you can't take any more, "I know you're feeling down, but you have three more minutes of venting and then you need to talk about something else, or nothing, because I don't think it's helping you."

I was that PP, and you're right, your phrasing is better. I just have no patience when people throw huge, long-lasting hissy fits over losing at sports. The whole thing about sports is that someone wins and someone loses. Do people honestly think they can get by without ever being on the losing side? But I wouldn't say that that meant he wasn't cut out to play sports. But I think I would have said I wasn't going to listen to any more self-bashing or blaming others, and suggest he let it go. I think your saying that it's not helping him is good.
And I do have patience with a little bit of unhappiness with losing. As the other mom said, at that point you can say you admire their drive/dedication. Their passion. But if it goes on and on, it's just wallowing, which is annoying. And to me it shows a lack of awareness of what sports are really all about. I think the OP was talking about the kind of wallowing that goes on longer than is reasonable.

For those of us that are passionate about sports, your comment is very insulting. I will never forget the Bain of the 2012 NLDS game 5 collapse, at least until the Nats win 11 games in October,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son plays basketball. He's on a development team (first time playing basketball as a team sport). They suck...really bad.

I'm very honest with my son (who is one of the star players, which isn't saying much). I tell him where he/they could have done better, things to watch/try to improve in the next game, etc. I don't BS him. He wants to win, I want him to win and I try to show him ways to improve his game. He's gotten a LOT better and more aggressive as the season went on, but I doubt the team will win a game. They really do suck.

Just curious- how old is he?

12

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son plays basketball. He's on a development team (first time playing basketball as a team sport). They suck...really bad.

I'm very honest with my son (who is one of the star players, which isn't saying much). I tell him where he/they could have done better, things to watch/try to improve in the next game, etc. I don't BS him. He wants to win, I want him to win and I try to show him ways to improve his game. He's gotten a LOT better and more aggressive as the season went on, but I doubt the team will win a game. They really do suck.

Just curious- how old is he?

12

fwiw- 12 is pretty late to start playing organized, team basketball. So one issue may be that the developmental team is in a league that's too advanced. Additionally, many "good teams" are dominated by one or two kids who are 8-11 months older than the rest of the kids. That really doesn't make the team any damn good, eventually kids can't get by on athleticism and by HS, they're just another guy who didn't work on their game. A lot of rec league games are won and lost by the end of the bench too- a team with 8 decent players can smoke a team with 2 good players, 4 decent players, and 6 kids who can't walk and chew gum, especially when teams press. ugh- BTDT.

But yes, it can be very difficult being on a team that is overmatched all season long. If he likes the sport, focus on praising him for the things he does well. If he's not a good scorer he may be great at setting screens, boxing out, or help defense. Ask him what he would like to improve in the offseason and encourage some summer camps. If he's friends with any of his teammates, see if they are interested in offseason work together. The bulk of improvement really comes in between seasons, summer pick up games can be key.

You could also approach the MS coaches and ask for suggestions. If he's interested in playing basketball in MS and HS, he likely will have to be above average in at least one aspect of the game. Can he be the best ball handler (dribbling and passing)? If so, he could focus on playing PG. If he's got confidence in his shot, he could get minutes at the wing. If he's willing to bang around inside (regardless of height) he can get time as a big. If he lacks "skill" but is a decent athlete, have him focus on being a willing, high energy defender.

I think your approach is a good one- be totally honest with him. Just make sure you point out the things he did really well. I personally tried to praise the assist, screen, or fundamental box-out rather than the high volume chucker who scored 12 points on 20 shots. So if he likes the game, have him look ahead at the bigger picture and how he can fit into his school TEAM. Yes, his first rec league team sucks donkey balls. It makes for a loooooong winter. But look ahead a bit and set some goals to improve specific skills and try to make his 7th grade school team.

Trust me when I say that he won't care about losing these games in a couple years. What he'll remember is varsity. Honestly assess what he is good at and help him set some longer term goals. So this is where winning and losing shouldn't be the primary focus- just have fun playing the game and don't have a myopic view of a rec league season.

[Anonymous]

How about asking rather than taking the lead. Something like, "well, the games are over, what do you think about this season?" Then listen. He may say he had fun even though they lost a lot. He may say he was frustrated by the coach, teammates or his own play. Whatever he says, unless it is really self-hating ( we lost because of me, etc.), I would validate it. Either "I'm glad you enjoyed it. I liked watching too" or " "Yes, it sucks to lose all the time. Let's hope the next team your on has a better record" All and all, its not a big deal. It probably bothers you more than him.