What to Say After Tonight's Defeat that Concludes a Bad Season (5th Gr Boy Rec Basketball)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's ALWAYS about winning. I have very competitive boys. No matter how much their travel coaches or their parents tell them 'winning' doesn't matter---IT MATTERS TO THEM.

Who wants to lose? It sucks.

Honestly- it sounds like you're enabling them to make it ALWAYS about winning. Of course some kids are more competitive than others and that's not a bad thing. But losing doesn't have to suck. Winning is definitely more fun than losing. But if your boys are taking it to an extreme- and there's a reason you used ALL CAPS twice- then you may want to consider taking steps to help them deal with losing and playing just for the fun of it.

They are children, you are the parent, and part of our job is to help teach our values, right?

[Anonymous]

OP - The two statements that stuck out to me were "criticized himself unfairly" and "developed a negative attitude towards the team". If he thinks he could have played better, then be his sounding board (if he wants) about how he can translate that to his personal practice. The use of the term unfair screams of someone is blaming the other kids. In terms of the negative attitude towards the team, is it because there is blame conversation going on (and I would put a stop to that right away) or are the other kids not a good mix for him any more? At his age, some players start to define fun as competing more intensely at their sports while others like to play in a more relaxed mode. The two don't mix very well any more on a team unless all the players see it as more of a social thing. May be it's time for him to find another team that matches what he wants. My DS had a mix of teams, still does, depending on the sport. Some he chose based on the sport, others because he liked relaxing with his friends. I would go this week with "I love to watch you play". May be when he's in a receptive mood, talk about if he's starting to want choices. It is so hard on the parents when this happens because we have a good time on the sidelines with the friends we've made...but it is inevitable. Try to find one activity, no one considers primary, to keep the social up. I wish we had known to do that earlier.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I love to watch you play.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-macy-stafford/six-words-you-should-say-today_b_3863643.html

[Anonymous]

Tell him he can look into joining a different team next year.

[Anonymous]

I think the "I love to watch you play." is good. Otherwise, OP, don't say anything. Or if you must say something, say "I'm sorry you are feeling so disappointed." or something.

Really, that's all it's about. If he continues to go on about it, I'd tell him off. I'd tell him to stop wallowing and get over it. He played how he played. Don't let him blame others. Put it in perspective if you must. Christ, it's just a game. Tell him to be glad that's his biggest problem, and that if he's going to make such a fuss about losing maybe he's not cut out to play sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the "I love to watch you play." is good. Otherwise, OP, don't say anything. Or if you must say something, say "I'm sorry you are feeling so disappointed." or something.

Really, that's all it's about. If he continues to go on about it, I'd tell him off. I'd tell him to stop wallowing and get over it. He played how he played. Don't let him blame others. Put it in perspective if you must. Christ, it's just a game. Tell him to be glad that's his biggest problem, and that if he's going to make such a fuss about losing maybe he's not cut out to play sports.

Wow, that is awful. People's feelings don't change just because you told them to feel differently.

Your first paragraph was spot-on. Your second one . . . look, I get how that would be happening in your head, but you need to keep it there. If you can't take any more, "I know you're feeling down, but you have three more minutes of venting and then you need to talk about something else, or nothing, because I don't think it's helping you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the "I love to watch you play." is good. Otherwise, OP, don't say anything. Or if you must say something, say "I'm sorry you are feeling so disappointed." or something.

Really, that's all it's about. If he continues to go on about it, I'd tell him off. I'd tell him to stop wallowing and get over it. He played how he played. Don't let him blame others. Put it in perspective if you must. Christ, it's just a game. Tell him to be glad that's his biggest problem, and that if he's going to make such a fuss about losing maybe he's not cut out to play sports.

Wow, that is awful. People's feelings don't change just because you told them to feel differently.

Your first paragraph was spot-on. Your second one . . . look, I get how that would be happening in your head, but you need to keep it there. If you can't take any more, "I know you're feeling down, but you have three more minutes of venting and then you need to talk about something else, or nothing, because I don't think it's helping you."

I don't underestimate the degree of my boys' feelings--but try to put it in perspective for them.

Being competitive and wanting to win is not an evil, bad thing--it will get them far in life if they have an internal drive.

I get told all if the time how tenacious my one so. Is in sports game. He seems to turn it in even more when the team is down. This is not a characteristic I will beat out of him. He's so calm and quiet and mellow- so it's pretty funny to see this other side.

We tell him that we love watching him play. We are proud that he never gives up until the whistle blows--especially when his team is behind.

You are always a good sport-hikd your head high and congratulate the other team. You win some, you lose some--but doing both with dignity, respect and good sportsmanship is how you do it.

Nothing makes me prouder than when my son will go up to an opposing player afterwards and compliment him. He has had kids in other teams do this to him when he's walking to the car as well. That takes character to be able to compliment somebody else without feeling like it diminishes your own abilities. I know so man adults that never learned that lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love to watch you play.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-macy-stafford/six-words-you-should-say-today_b_3863643.html

I am laughing at all these "I love to watch you play" comments. I first heard this phrase last fall, after an MSI kindergarten clinic. I heard 4 moms, none of whom appeared to know each other, each say this to their son as soon as he stepped off the field. I like the article just fine, and I support the principles of positive coaching and parenting, but I think this rote use of the phrase really needs to stop. It's just so Stepford-esque. It would also be a bizarre response in this particular case given that the kid is trying to deal with with his very normal feelings of frustration. I think something like what 17:02 suggested yesterday is great.

[Anonymous]

"It's too bad you had to play on a team with Rufus. He sucks."

[Anonymous]

^^^ That's a joke, BTW. You shouldn't really blame Rufus.

[Anonymous]

I bring out this MJ quote periodically to boost up my very competitive son. . .

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.

Michael Jordan

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/michaeljor127660.html#2W6zheuX2Z0Yp6Fh.99

[Anonymous]

I rely on re-watching "The Great Santini" for inspiration on issues like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the "I love to watch you play." is good. Otherwise, OP, don't say anything. Or if you must say something, say "I'm sorry you are feeling so disappointed." or something.

Really, that's all it's about. If he continues to go on about it, I'd tell him off. I'd tell him to stop wallowing and get over it. He played how he played. Don't let him blame others. Put it in perspective if you must. Christ, it's just a game. Tell him to be glad that's his biggest problem, and that if he's going to make such a fuss about losing maybe he's not cut out to play sports.

Wow, that is awful. People's feelings don't change just because you told them to feel differently.

Your first paragraph was spot-on. Your second one . . . look, I get how that would be happening in your head, but you need to keep it there. If you can't take any more, "I know you're feeling down, but you have three more minutes of venting and then you need to talk about something else, or nothing, because I don't think it's helping you."

I don't underestimate the degree of my boys' feelings--but try to put it in perspective for them.

Being competitive and wanting to win is not an evil, bad thing--it will get them far in life if they have an internal drive.

I get told all if the time how tenacious my one so. Is in sports game. He seems to turn it in even more when the team is down. This is not a characteristic I will beat out of him. He's so calm and quiet and mellow- so it's pretty funny to see this other side.

We tell him that we love watching him play. We are proud that he never gives up until the whistle blows--especially when his team is behind.

You are always a good sport-hikd your head high and congratulate the other team. You win some, you lose some--but doing both with dignity, respect and good sportsmanship is how you do it.

Nothing makes me prouder than when my son will go up to an opposing player afterwards and compliment him. He has had kids in other teams do this to him when he's walking to the car as well. That takes character to be able to compliment somebody else without feeling like it diminishes your own abilities. I know so man adults that never learned that lesson.

NP- that bolded sentence came across as a little harsh but I agree with what you're saying. It is just a game. Of course winning is more fun than losing and I don't believe in Participation Ribbons for all (at least after kindergarten). But if your kid can't enjoy playing basketball if they lose the game- they need to stop playing basketball. My son is now a junior, daughter a freshman. Trust me when I say that nobody will remember how many games they won in 5th grade. Of course there are great memories- my son's first over-the-fence home run and daughter taking 1st at state in gymnastics are two that come to mind for me. But they enjoy sports even when they lose.

Like the PP said- we all know competitive jerks who are insufferable to be around. Do you really want your kid to be Peaked in High School Rob Lowe?

This is an analogy I used when I coached: I love to fish. There's nothing better than those days when I catch fish all day long, especially when the fish are big too. But there are plenty of days I get skunked and you know what? Those days are fun too. The day that I have to catch fish in order to have fun fishing is the day that I will QUIT fishing. That's not what it should be about and neither should basketball, baseball, football, or life.

[Anonymous]

Better luck next season.

oh well.

You've learned so much this season.

It happens. Someone has to win, someone has to lose.

I admire your sportsmanship/drive/determination.

It's important to be a grateful winner and a graceful loser.

- all things I've said to my 6th grade DS b'ball player
The coach's wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sprinkles are for winners.

I read this earlier and was like "What!?". Just saw the commercial and had a good laugh!