Feeling irrationally hurt after convo with DH about sex

[Anonymous]

So, I actually think what seems like "overreacting" to everyone else makes some sense to me in context of a previous sexual trauma and current struggles with sexual intimacy. OP, it's a long road you are on and your partner will go through his own issues/phases. These bumps happen, but your feelings are your feelings and whats most important is that you spend time trying to understand what they are about, and what you need from your partner. And then ask for that. It then becomes a matter of seeing if you guys can negotiate a compromise, or better understand whats happening. Two books, if you have not read them already: Allies in Healing and The Sexual Healing Journey. I will admit that I HATED them, and RESENT the sh*t out of having to do the work that I did, but they have helped.

[Anonymous]

No one can say what will bother you or not. So this bothered you. I don't see what's wrong with clarifying exactly where you are in a non confrontational way. I mean what would the consequences be? I'm not sure i agree with the other posters who said you were too sensitive. Actually, I really disagree. You are what you are, no judgment. Your husband should be accepting of where you are coming from.

Geezus h. Crist, I think the posters here should lighten up.

[Anonymous]

Try waking him with a BJ. If he gets angry about it, you weren't over thinking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one can say what will bother you or not. So this bothered you. I don't see what's wrong with clarifying exactly where you are in a non confrontational way. I mean what would the consequences be? I'm not sure i agree with the other posters who said you were too sensitive. Actually, I really disagree. You are what you are, no judgment. Your husband should be accepting of where you are coming from.

Geezus h. Crist, I think the posters here should lighten up.

The consequences can be that her husband begins to pull away because he has no idea what to say. He tries to say something nice, he upsets her. He tries to say the sex is good, an she gets upset. I've seen it happen first hand where eventually you stop trying because it's not good enough. Her dh sounds like a good guy for bein patient and understanding with her. But he has feelings and emotions too that are just as important as hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one can say what will bother you or not. So this bothered you. I don't see what's wrong with clarifying exactly where you are in a non confrontational way. I mean what would the consequences be? I'm not sure i agree with the other posters who said you were too sensitive. Actually, I really disagree. You are what you are, no judgment. Your husband should be accepting of where you are coming from.

Geezus h. Crist, I think the posters here should lighten up.

The consequences can be that her husband begins to pull away because he has no idea what to say. He tries to say something nice, he upsets her. He tries to say the sex is good, an she gets upset. I've seen it happen first hand where eventually you stop trying because it's not good enough. Her dh sounds like a good guy for bein patient and understanding with her. But he has feelings and emotions too that are just as important as hers.

That's a stretch. From one conversation to clarify to DH can't handle it and completely rejects her. What a ridiculous reach. I assume we are talking about two people who care about one another. I still don't see a non confrontational explanation resulting in more distance. You don't have me sold of either too sensitive or talking would end up spiraling out of control. She cares enough about being a pleasing partner - it's not a big deal to want affirmation. Wtf.

[Anonymous]

Pp, are you reading a different thread? He said the sex was good. What more affirmation Does OP need?

[Anonymous]

OP please get professional help. This is irrational behavior and because of your past trauma you need a therapist to talk with you so you can get your thinking in line with reality.

Saying sex is great and he appreciates it is nice. I was really expecting something else from your thread title -- your husband literally did nothing wrong. The issue is with you. Get help and heal this now so you don't break up your marriage.

[Anonymous]

PP you need to calm the eff down.

[Anonymous]

I think appreciate and great are pretty good words. What could he have said that would'nt have hurt your feelings?

[Anonymous]

I'm starting to wonder in people have different meanings of the word "great." To me, it is very positive. Are others feeling this is not a superlative enough of a word?

[Anonymous]

I just think there was misunderstanding and a miss in communicating. Why not clear it up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think appreciate and great are pretty good words. What could he have said that would'nt have hurt your feelings?

+1

Does he have to fawn over you, OP? Are you generally difficult to please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just think there was misunderstanding and a miss in communicating. Why not clear it up?

In a system where "great" and "appreciate" are regarded as negatives, what words could two people possibly use to communicate successfully?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Allow me to translate the flat "it's fine" response. What he meant by that was that he'd really rather have sex at a different time and not after midnight. However he also knows that if he suggests this that in all likelihood he'll (a) not actually get the earlier sex, and (b) probably won't get the after midnight sex either. So he says that "it's fine." He realizes that this is what is on the table and he is accepting it without making a fuss.

As far as the comment about appreciating the effort and that the sex is great, allow me to translate: He appreciates the effort and thinks the sex is great.

BTW, from his responses I'd say he's basically everyman.

I'm not a man, but I think this guy is absolutely right. Word for word.

Let it go OP. You've got a lot of complicating factors, not least of which is a small child. Just let it go and you'll laugh about it someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Allow me to translate the flat "it's fine" response. What he meant by that was that he'd really rather have sex at a different time and not after midnight. However he also knows that if he suggests this that in all likelihood he'll (a) not actually get the earlier sex, and (b) probably won't get the after midnight sex either. So he says that "it's fine." He realizes that this is what is on the table and he is accepting it without making a fuss.

As far as the comment about appreciating the effort and that the sex is great, allow me to translate: He appreciates the effort and thinks the sex is great.

BTW, from his responses I'd say he's basically everyman.

Another man here. Ditto.