Feeling irrationally hurt after convo with DH about sex

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02/17/2015 23:34

Subject: Feeling irrationally hurt after convo with DH about sex

quote

Anonymous

So ... I think I just need some outside perspective, because I know I'm not rational right now.

Background: In the first few years of our marriage, we didn't have much sex at all, and it was because of me. I experienced some sexual trauma as a teenager and had no idea how damaged I was by it until I was married (for religious reasons we didn't have sex until we married, so unfortunately I didn't know in advance that this would be a real issue). But the last couple of years I've REALLY been working on it, and I'd say for the past year that our sex life has become pretty amazing. At first just the frequency was improved, but I've started to really trust him in bed and have really worked on being totally open and uninhibited, and consequently the quality of sex improved exponentially, which I feel confident we both have felt to be the case.

So lately our toddler has not been sleeping nearly enough and we are both exhausted. For some reason when I get in the mood it is almost always after midnight, and almost always involves us not getting enough sleep. So last night he was super cranky about not getting enough sleep, and he and I were commiserating over how exhausted we are and how rough the sleep situation is, and I told him if he ever decides he wishes I wouldn't wake him up at ungodly hours for sex that he should let me know and that it would be totally fine. And he said, in a pretty flat tone, something like "it's fine", which ... felt a bit rough to me - like, either say "yeah I've been really tired, let's try for earlier next time" or "no, it's great and I love when you wake me up" (which has always been his position before), but a flat "meh whatever it's fine" just felt horribly insulting. So I was feeling pretty upset but didn't say anything, and later in the evening when his mood had improved he asked if something was wrong. I tried not to answer, but he was insistent, and I just said that his response felt a little rough for some reason, and I know I'm overly sensitive about these things, and whatever, I would get over it after a good night's sleep. And then it got SO much worse, because he said he "appreciates" the effort I've been putting in the past year, and that the sex is "great" - is it 100% irrational to be incredibly hurt by that? "Appreciate" and "great"? I mean, the sex has felt pretty epic of late, and it's really scary/vulnerable for me but I've been pushing through that, and I don't know, I just couldn't handle those terms to describe what to me feels like putting all of myself on the line for him.

I don't know, I think I'm just crazy, but I just felt really insulted, and a day later the bad feelings have not subsided. I can hardly talk to him right now, not out of anger really but I just feel hurt.

Please talk me down.