Grandparents already fighting over who spends more time with newborn

[Anonymous]

I just found out I'm going to be an aunt this fall, OP. I am super excited and want to watch the birth, and then go home with them and hang out with the new parents for a few days. I basically want to do everything but breastfeed the baby. We don't have a lot of babies in my family and I love them.

But you know what I'm actually going to do? Whatever the hell the new parents want! Because everyone knows that's what you do. You respect the wishes of the people who just had the baby! (I will probably go visit the day of or day after the birth and pick up a blanket the baby's been wrapped in to go introduce it to their dog. Then I'll probably visit after they get home, do a bunch of cleaning and errands for them, love on the baby for ten minutes, and then leave.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out I'm going to be an aunt this fall, OP. I am super excited and want to watch the birth, and then go home with them and hang out with the new parents for a few days. I basically want to do everything but breastfeed the baby. We don't have a lot of babies in my family and I love them.

But you know what I'm actually going to do? Whatever the hell the new parents want! Because everyone knows that's what you do. You respect the wishes of the people who just had the baby! (I will probably go visit the day of or day after the birth and pick up a blanket the baby's been wrapped in to go introduce it to their dog. Then I'll probably visit after they get home, do a bunch of cleaning and errands for them, love on the baby for ten minutes, and then leave.)

Auntie of the year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm 15:16. We lived in a 700 sq ft one-bedroom, and my parents and ILs STILL came to visit on separate occasions.
it can be done, and people live like this all over the world, OP.

Anyway, whatever works for you.


[/quote

OP here. Yes I agree it can be done and why we are NOT moving, and i am firm on that. Do PP's feel its a disaster because of privacy? Or grandma dynamics?

Because all the grandparents want to be over 24/7 from the minute I leave the hospital I thought Id go crazy having them all in our apartment at once, there is no space for me to escape to, too many people wanting to be incharge telling me what to do etc.

So of we stayed at SMIL's their house is very spacious. Theoretically if eveyone was over at the same time there would be enough space to go and have privacy. I suppose I might have more luck setting boundries at my own house but i really didnt think they'd react so strongly because it's just a few days. I also thought they'd respect that SMIL works with newborns everyday. Once I feel like I am relaxed, I can be an anxious person, which should be after a few days, we'll be home and grandmas can come over anyday after work. I'd gladly have them help with the baby, hold the baby etc while I nap or run an errand.

I know i should be happy I have help but not when it's a competition. This has to only be because it's first grandchild?

Oh OP, my sweet, kind first time mom OP. I think most of us missed your response because it was highlighted. Let me paraphrase:
You thought staying at the step inlaws would ne good because they have more room to accommodate everyone who wants to be there 24/7 right after the baby is born
DCUM answer: you don't leave your home to accomodate 4-5 adults that are insisting they have to be there 24/7 after the baby is born. They don't. You are having a baby, you do not do what is best for adults not having a baby, or try to please them and make it easy for them. You make it easy for you and partner to bond with and take care of baby. End.
Your response from now on is no response, until you get closer to the birth and then you say you wil let everuone know how things are going when you settle in with your awesome partner who will be helping you

[Anonymous]

Ugh, in my heartfelt plea for the OP to get her groove back, I highlighted my whole response and had multiple errors.

Can you tell I had a similar nightmare and am still traumatized?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

MIL and my mother are complaining

Don't talk incessantly re: your plans for the baby if you don't want them giving their opinions.

State what will happen. (though 19weeks seems a little early and a little odd to have this all planned out)
Change the subject.

THIS! Just stop talking about it. Don't talk about names or what your nursing plans are or you maternity leave or what kind of diapers. If you have questions, ask friends or come here.

+1
Even though it seems like we are all yelling at you, it's from the heart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I'm only 19 weeks! Also a FTM. DH's parents are divorced and DH's step mom is a lactation consultant and L/D nurse. She has offered to take two weeks off work, have us stay with them and help us become comfortable with a newborn and ensure successful breastfeeding. I was really happy about this because I was already worried about the first few days as a FTM. Ive never really been a baby person either.

We told the family the plan, that we will stay at Step MIL's and FIL's first week or so after baby is born. They are welcome to come over but we feel most comfortable if it's not all day or all at once until DH and I feel we know more what we're doing.

MIL and my mother are complaining that as the grandparents they are getting left out, and will treat DH's step mom as the hired help and that they also are experts with newborns (with their youngest baby now 29 years old).

I just can't take the nastiness and fighting anymore. It's only 10 days! Why can't the family agree that this is what's best for a FTM and newborn, there will be plenty of opportunities to love and share this baby and we are lucky we have this knowledge in the family!

Any advice?

A) I don't think you'll find staying in someone else's home for 2 weeks as helpful as you think you will.
B) Put yourself in their shoes . . . Of course they feel slighted. The in-law lactation consultant can just as easily provide the help in your own home. I, personally, would guess she seized on the situation and her role and used it to their advantage. But, I'm a cynic.
C) Going forward, you are going to have to expect the vying for attention of the grandparents. Realize it comes form a place of love. Also, realize you need to set some boundaries. I just don't think this is a good one to set with everything so new and raw (they are excited and anxious).
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

That's so messed up you're treating your mom like this and choosing the father in law. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't stay at someone else's house in the early days. Other than that Grandmas need to chill.

+1. Regardless of her professional background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All of this is helpful, thank you.

Yes, the reason we are going there is a space issue.
We live downtown dc in a large 1bedroom and not ready
to move yet. We have plenty of space for a newborn but not
for everyone who wants to be there right away.

We also have a dog and IL's have a large yard.

Grandmothers have been to many family events hosted at FIL and Step MIL's over the years.

This is the first grandchild on either side. And I agree I need to start setting boundries now

Regardless of how to handle this in terms of your parents' feelings, I

1) Wouldn't want to stay with anyone, regardless of professional expertise (as I said above in a PP)
2) Have the LC visit you; have your other grandparents visit you... but see how you feel first about this AFTER the baby is born. You may or may not want/need outside expertise.
3) Don't discuss who is where or visiting whom when (easier to do if you aren't staying in someone else's house post-baby. Again, if you decide you want to do that, great - but honestly, it seems like something WAY more troublesome than helpful to me!)
4) You can always hire an LC to come visit you. Expensive, yes, but IMHO totally worth the money if you are avoiding drama (and more worth it to avoid staying in someone ele's house).

[Anonymous]

Are you really going to be comfortable having SMIL handle your boobs? Or even more because she does that professionally? I can't even imagine being okay with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't stay at someone else's house in the early days. Other than that Grandmas need to chill.

+1. Like some other posters have brought up, that period is full of postpartum grossness. I wouldn't want to be at someone's house, for example, when I have to wash the sheets every morning (or even some mornings) because I sweat through them - or worse. There are so many things about that period that you just deal with naturally at your own house but, if you were a guest somewhere else, would feel embarrassing and/or horrifying.

I also second the thoughts that you need to establish limits and not have people over all day, every day. You need privacy and quiet time to bond with the baby and figure out your groove, not people sitting around evaluating you trying to nurse / bottle-feed / get the baby to sleep / etc.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want to be at someone else's house right after having a baby. If your SIL is willing to take time off to help you, and you would like the help, that's great, but I would stay at your own house. And telling your parents that you are going to stay with your SIL and they shouldn't plan to visit for too long is practically designed to hurt their feelings.

FWIW--my MIL (who is a nurse) stayed with us for the first few days after the baby was born. It was great, because she cooked, did laundry, and ran errands for us. My parents live further away, so they flew in and my mom stayed with me for three weeks. It was awesome, because she also cooked, cleaned, and helped out a ton. And when my husband went back to work, it was really nice to have company. So I don't buy into the idea that it's really crucial to be alone with the baby right away, assuming that your family is the type to be helpful. But the real upshot is that you have to do what's best for you and the baby, not bend over backwards to accomodate other people. A little flexibility--great! But it sounds like you are excessively deferential.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you would change plans just because the grandmothers and a bunch of strangers don't like your current plan. If you seriously think it will be nice to be at someone else's house for that time and have someone else look after you and your new family, I think that's a fine idea.

Tell your mom and MIL that you totally understand their concern and you hope that they'll feel welcome during that time and that there will be a lot of opportunities over the following months for them to have some quality bonding time with their new grandchild. Then stop debating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't stay at someone else's house in the early days. Other than that Grandmas need to chill.

This.

[Anonymous]

You will want to be at your house.