Grandparents already fighting over who spends more time with newborn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't stay at someone else's house in the early days. Other than that Grandmas need to chill.

+1

Nor would I have stepmom there all the time. She can visit like everyone else, and help as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a disaster. Stay at your own home and have people come visit. There is nothing your step MIL will need to do for you 24/7. She was an L&D nurse, not a post partum doula, and if your baby needs medical care he or she will be in the NICU. Most of figuring out breastfeeding will br you and the baby learning to make it work, you don't need someone standing over you at every feeding for a week. I agree with PPs that your step MIL is using her experience to get more time with the baby. That isn't fair and sounds like it will cause lots of drama.

Maybe they can take the dog to stay at their place for the first week if that would be helpful. You are really not going to want to be at someone else's house. My mom was super helpful but I still wanted her out of my place at a certain point.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm 15:16. We lived in a 700 sq ft one-bedroom, and my parents and ILs STILL came to visit on separate occasions.
it can be done, and people live like this all over the world, OP.

Anyway, whatever works for you.

[Anonymous]

15:05 here. Ultimately, you should do what works best for you and your DH.
I would hate to have to pack for the hospital and a week long stay immediately following. There are so many things you don't realize you might need or want. Plus, I would have to get re-settled a week later in my own home instead of having a system and routine starting to get underway in that first week. And like others have mentioned, there are times when I just wanted to be gross. Bleeding, hot flashes, hormones...it's just not a time I want someone around 24/7 in someone else's home. But all of this might work really well for you.
We lived in a small 1 bedroom apartment and family just visited. Having a 1 bedroom apartment is nice because it gives you the excuse when you need some space and people seem understanding of it.
Agree with others about setting up boundary issues. I could see this being a big issue with your mom and MIL. Spending time at events and things over the years and different than the baby coming home. They want to feel like they are getting time and it might be hard for them to feel like that in step-MIL home. If it is what you really want, then make it happen. I just can see why it would bother them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I'm only 19 weeks! Also a FTM. DH's parents are divorced and DH's step mom is a lactation consultant and L/D nurse. She has offered to take two weeks off work, have us stay with them and help us become comfortable with a newborn and ensure successful breastfeeding. I was really happy about this because I was already worried about the first few days as a FTM. Ive never really been a baby person either.

We told the family the plan, that we will stay at Step MIL's and FIL's first week or so after baby is born. They are welcome to come over but we feel most comfortable if it's not all day or all at once until DH and I feel we know more what we're doing.

MIL and my mother are complaining that as the grandparents they are getting left out, and will treat DH's step mom as the hired help and that they also are experts with newborns (with their youngest baby now 29 years old).

I just can't take the nastiness and fighting anymore. It's only 10 days! Why can't the family agree that this is what's best for a FTM and newborn, there will be plenty of opportunities to love and share this baby and we are lucky we have this knowledge in the family!

Any advice?

We had zero support, OP. Grass is always greener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm 15:16. We lived in a 700 sq ft one-bedroom, and my parents and ILs STILL came to visit on separate occasions.
it can be done, and people live like this all over the world, OP.

Anyway, whatever works for you.


[/quote

OP here. Yes I agree it can be done and why we are NOT moving, and i am firm on that. Do PP's feel its a disaster because of privacy? Or grandma dynamics?

Because all the grandparents want to be over 24/7 from the minute I leave the hospital I thought Id go crazy having them all in our apartment at once, there is no space for me to escape to, too many people wanting to be incharge telling me what to do etc.

So of we stayed at SMIL's their house is very spacious. Theoretically if eveyone was over at the same time there would be enough space to go and have privacy. I suppose I might have more luck setting boundries at my own house but i really didnt think they'd react so strongly because it's just a few days. I also thought they'd respect that SMIL works with newborns everyday. Once I feel like I am relaxed, I can be an anxious person, which should be after a few days, we'll be home and grandmas can come over anyday after work. I'd gladly have them help with the baby, hold the baby etc while I nap or run an errand.

I know i should be happy I have help but not when it's a competition. This has to only be because it's first grandchild?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I'm only 19 weeks! Also a FTM. DH's parents are divorced and DH's step mom is a lactation consultant and L/D nurse. She has offered to take two weeks off work, have us stay with them and help us become comfortable with a newborn and ensure successful breastfeeding. I was really happy about this because I was already worried about the first few days as a FTM. Ive never really been a baby person either.

We told the family the plan, that we will stay at Step MIL's and FIL's first week or so after baby is born. They are welcome to come over but we feel most comfortable if it's not all day or all at once until DH and I feel we know more what we're doing.

MIL and my mother are complaining that as the grandparents they are getting left out, and will treat DH's step mom as the hired help and that they also are experts with newborns (with their youngest baby now 29 years old).

I just can't take the nastiness and fighting anymore. It's only 10 days! Why can't the family agree that this is what's best for a FTM and newborn, there will be plenty of opportunities to love and share this baby and we are lucky we have this knowledge in the family!

Any advice?

So you can be with SMIL all day for the first week- but your own mother and his own mother aren't supposed to stay too long?

Are you grown? Why the H would you stay in someone else's house with a newborn? I can't believe your SMIL even thinks this is a great idea? Is she a certified lactation consultant? She should be used to being around PP women and know that this is terrible. Your mom and MIL know this and that is why they are unhappy. Once you have this baby you will understand how this is a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm 15:16. We lived in a 700 sq ft one-bedroom, and my parents and ILs STILL came to visit on separate occasions.
it can be done, and people live like this all over the world, OP.

Anyway, whatever works for you.

We did too. My IL's stayed in a hotel but their presence was still intrusive. I wouldn't make any plans now, other than going home from the hospital. If you need support later, adjust. There is no way to predict how you will feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I'm only 19 weeks! Also a FTM. DH's parents are divorced and DH's step mom is a lactation consultant and L/D nurse. She has offered to take two weeks off work, have us stay with them and help us become comfortable with a newborn and ensure successful breastfeeding. I was really happy about this because I was already worried about the first few days as a FTM. Ive never really been a baby person either.

We told the family the plan, that we will stay at Step MIL's and FIL's first week or so after baby is born. They are welcome to come over but we feel most comfortable if it's not all day or all at once until DH and I feel we know more what we're doing.

MIL and my mother are complaining that as the grandparents they are getting left out, and will treat DH's step mom as the hired help and that they also are experts with newborns (with their youngest baby now 29 years old).

I just can't take the nastiness and fighting anymore. It's only 10 days! Why can't the family agree that this is what's best for a FTM and newborn, there will be plenty of opportunities to love and share this baby and we are lucky we have this knowledge in the family!

Any advice?

So you can be with SMIL all day for the first week- but your own mother and his own mother aren't supposed to stay too long?

Are you grown? Why the H would you stay in someone else's house with a newborn? I can't believe your SMIL even thinks this is a great idea? Is she a certified lactation consultant? She should be used to being around PP women and know that this is terrible. Your mom and MIL know this and that is why they are unhappy. Once you have this baby you will understand how this is a mess.

+1 Your mother and MIL have already warned you that staying with your step MIL is going to cause Grandma dynamics.

If you want to be in charge now that you are going to be a new parent, then you need to set boundaries for visits, for help and for privacy. There is no need for you to have all of them in your apartment non-stop unless you are afraid to speak up. It sounds like you are used to letting them dominate. You are going to be a new mom and now you get to be the authority figure.

[Anonymous]

I would not go to Her house. You are not disabled or stupid, why do,you need her help so much? You will figure it out on your own like everyone else does.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you?

[Anonymous]

MIL and my mother are complaining

Don't talk incessantly re: your plans for the baby if you don't want them giving their opinions.

State what will happen. (though 19weeks seems a little early and a little odd to have this all planned out)
Change the subject.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe you are agreeing to SMILs boundary-stopping just to avoid having people at your 1 bedroom apartment. Newsflash: you don't have to have anyone over!

You are going to regret this. Baby comes home to HIS HOME, not crazy SMIL's house. Christ on a cracker.

[Anonymous]

You bring your baby home to YOUR apartment. The most important thing is for you, spouse and baby to bond together ALONE. Folks can stay in a hotel and visit. You will be fine. Really. Thousands of new mothers across the DC metro area establish successful Breastfeeding relationships with no grandparents around. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

MIL and my mother are complaining

Don't talk incessantly re: your plans for the baby if you don't want them giving their opinions.

State what will happen. (though 19weeks seems a little early and a little odd to have this all planned out)
Change the subject.

THIS! Just stop talking about it. Don't talk about names or what your nursing plans are or you maternity leave or what kind of diapers. If you have questions, ask friends or come here.