Grandparents already fighting over who spends more time with newborn

[Anonymous]

The first thing you need to do is stop telling everyone what you plan to do (whatever those plans may be)
All that does is give everyone the justification to give their opinion on -ish you have already decided.
I suggest you keep your mouth shut the rest of the pregnancy...and I am not being snarky!
Also...you probably really will want to be home after you give birth...see if step mom can just come over to your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really going to be comfortable having SMIL handle your boobs? Or even more because she does that professionally? I can't even imagine being okay with this.

good lord...boobs are boobs...see something you don't recognize...shoot it
when I was trying to breastfeed...jimmy fallon coulda handled my boobies as long as he made milk come out...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I would hate to be in someone else's home while recovering from childbirth, but then I'm a very private person.

DH and I were very happy with spending the first weeks just by ourselves, bonding with baby.

However, if it's your choice to go to SMIL's house, your mother and MIL should absolutely respect that.

I agree. I would want to be in my own home.

I did not really need much help besides my spouse.

Please try and include your mom and MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay at your place and have FIL and step grandma come a few days to help, then your mom a few days and rotate. It is nice to have the help but it isn't very "fair" to rationalize why with professional experience. Most first time parents don't have experience, many never changing a diaper and figure it out just fine. Your mom will figure it out quickly as many of ours have.

this!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry but your Step MIL is overstepping her bounds and using her "expertise" to justify it. It is understandable that your Mother and MIL feel slighted.

Not if the help is wanted. My MIL is the type of grandma who will sit and hold baby. My mom does laundry, cleans and runs errands in addition to holding baby. In the early days of survival mode take whoever is going to help the most. I will say, this could get ugly in the future. Set boundaries now.

this.

coming from one who dealt with it.

[Anonymous]

After a C- section, I survived the first two weeks with no grandmas /grandpas at all. Just husband and visiting the lactation consultant at the doc's office. Stay strong and loving!

[Anonymous]

My son's grandmothers did this (only 2 of them), and I refused to choose between them (both families were long distance) and my child was born right before the holidays. So both families came at the same time. It was awful. I just had my second, and spaced out the visits. In laws came at 3 weeks PP, and my parents came at 6 weeks. It was SO much better!

I echo the others, take some time with just your husband and child, and if people are local, have them come only for short visit when you're ready. They don't really get a say in the matter. Your baby, your rules.

Also, Google the "lemon clot essay" on babycenter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a disaster. Stay at your own home and have people come visit. There is nothing your step MIL will need to do for you 24/7. She was an L&D nurse, not a post partum doula, and if your baby needs medical care he or she will be in the NICU. Most of figuring out breastfeeding will br you and the baby learning to make it work, you don't need someone standing over you at every feeding for a week. I agree with PPs that your step MIL is using her experience to get more time with the baby. That isn't fair and sounds like it will cause lots of drama.

Maybe they can take the dog to stay at their place for the first week if that would be helpful. You are really not going to want to be at someone else's house. My mom was super helpful but I still wanted her out of my place at a certain point.

This.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp you are setting yourself up for a nightmare.

Throw any thoughts of FAIRNESS out the window. You do what you want and need.

These relatives who are upset about your plans only care about themselves. You will need peace and rest. They are going to bring their WANTS into this and their will be emotional upheaval. You don't need this.

You will not be in control of who is in and out of your room and who is taking your child when you are at your ils house.

You are giving up control of a rare time in your life.

Send an email and tell everyone that they need to back off and adjust their expectations.

You might want to visit babycenter and find their dwil nation group.

[Anonymous]

Op time to grow up and not depend on others so much.

[Anonymous]

You will want to be at home.

No matter how excited everyone is, this is all very premature. The grandmothers need to stop trying to stake out claims. They will need to be flexible and responsive to your wants and needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you would change plans just because the grandmothers and a bunch of strangers don't like your current plan. If you seriously think it will be nice to be at someone else's house for that time and have someone else look after you and your new family, I think that's a fine idea.

Tell your mom and MIL that you totally understand their concern and you hope that they'll feel welcome during that time and that there will be a lot of opportunities over the following months for them to have some quality bonding time with their new grandchild. Then stop debating.

+1. The funny thing is for us my mother said she didn't want to visit the first two weeks and wanted us to get I to our groove as new parents and bond with the baby and our in-laws came for the birth but left a day or two later to give us privacy and space as new parents. So any notions I had of family staying with us the first two weeks of the baby wasn't even an option!

Look, I do get why you would be willing to stay with your SMIL. I remember feeling so much pressure to breast feed like the rise and fall of civilization and my fitness as a parent came down to successful breastfeeding. When I was in the hospital with my first we couldn't even get the lactation consulting to come by our room. So I'm a hormonal mess, feeling like a failure, have this little person crying and dependent on me, shifting from young hip married couple with not even a plant dependent on us to parents with baby laundry (gosh the amount of laundry), poopy diapers, midnight feedings etc. While we did manage, who can say if we would have managed even better if we had help during that time.

It really comes down to your DH. You do give up some of this we are clueless together as we figure this out if you go to SMIL. Theoretically he also has to step up and do more while you are recovering from childbirth when you don't have anyone to help. However, if together the both of you feel like this is the way you want to start off, having someone that knows what they are doing helping you and sharing the burden and joys of the baby the first two weeks with them, realizing that even when someone is the expert, you may still have different opionions or want to do things differently and everyone can be cool with that, then to me there is no debate. There will be plenty and I mean plenty of time and ways for grandparents to spend time with their grandchildren of they are closeby and to help out. Think snow days, sick days, date night, family vacations, just because picking up the kids and doing a fun activity, kid birthdays, your anniversary, if you guys have another child etc.

[Anonymous]

Have a second one. Things cool down considerably. But seriously, ride it out. It's all the excitement of first grandchild and the more chores you give them the faster the enthusiasm will cool.

[Anonymous]

I really can't imagine staying at someone else's home for 10 days after I gave birth for the first time. Do you really want to have to pack for that? And not have the comforts of your own bed, your own routines, etc.? If anyone is going to be uncomfortable, let it be the visitors and not the FTM! I would stay at home and stage the visits (each person can choose to sleep on the couch or in a nearby hotel, which I assume is what they did when they visited you pre-kids, no?). I would be incredibly hurt if my child said I could not visit my new grandbaby for 2 weeks because my child's step parent had lacation experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry but your Step MIL is overstepping her bounds and using her "expertise" to justify it. It is understandable that your Mother and MIL feel slighted.

I disagree. She sounds like she will be actually helpful. MIL and mom will probably just sit around the house and ask what's for dinner.