What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents told me that if I went to any school that cost X, they'd pay for the whole thing. Any amount above X was on me. They didn't say I could or could not go anywhere - they just told me their parameters. As an adult, I think what they did was very smart - set a limit, let me make the decision, and they stayed within their means.

My parents said exactly the same thing to me. I wound up getting a fantastic education at UMD. I wouldn't change a thing.

Yep! My parents did the same thing. I had a full ride to a fabulous state school. If I chose that option my parents said they'd pay for housing, let me take my car to college and give me a new car at graduation if I graduated with honors.

I personally didn't even want to go to a private college, I was obsessed with the college town experience, football and lots of options for majors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, what are DH's reasons? If it is just that he does not want to disappoint his child, that's one thing. If he feels that the child will not succeed in a large state school, and would be more likely to succeed in a smaller private institution, I can see why he would work to try to make it happen.

He doesn't want to disappoint his child. The child has not demonstrated a solid academic record that would make me confident in sending him to a flagship state school. But I think any of the smaller public in state schools would offer the smaller class size that a private institution could offer.

So (as I suspect you know) this is not really about college. This is about college as a proxy for every way he feels he's let his son down.

I know you're frustrated, and you're welcome to vent here, but you need to let your husband talk, and you need to phrase this constructively: If we can't afford to send him to his dream school on what we have saved, how do we help him go someplace that's right for him? Is your SS willing to take on the necessary debt to pay for the pricey private? If not, is he ready to work through more-affordable options yet?

If he's not going to get to go to his dream school, your DH isn't doing him any favors by letting him think there's a chance. If your SS is old enough for college, he's old enough to be coming up with a plan that addresses both his personality and the family finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents told me that if I went to any school that cost X, they'd pay for the whole thing. Any amount above X was on me. They didn't say I could or could not go anywhere - they just told me their parameters. As an adult, I think what they did was very smart - set a limit, let me make the decision, and they stayed within their means.

My parents said exactly the same thing to me. I wound up getting a fantastic education at UMD. I wouldn't change a thing.

Mine too, and they went one step farther and said that if I got scholarships or chose a school that cost less than X (and X was well under fancy private school and well above my state's flagship school tuition), they'd give me 1/2 the difference in cash upon college graduation. I ended up with a pretty nice nest egg to start post-grad life...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's obvious by the way to refer to your "Dhs son" that you couldn't care less and are annoyed at any amount you have to pay towards his schooling.

I don't see it that way, but I don't have stepchildren and I'm not a stepchild, so maybe I don't have my feelers out in the same way.

In any case, I think she is just pointing out that her role here is peripheral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about telling him that you will pay the equivalent of the state schools, and if he wants to go to the private college, he can borrow the money and pay it off himself.

This. My husband would just say no. He would tell him to get a job and figure it out. That is what he did with his kid who demanded a huge amount and treated him like crap. I was willing to help more but he was right. If it is also step one money via marriage or employment she should have equal say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you still feel the same if he were your son?

If it were my son, this would not be an issue. I would come out and say your options are whatever in state you can be admitted to or community college. Why would I feel any differently if this were my biological child?

Because you would do what it takes to send him to the best school if he were your son. You would have found grants, scholarships, loans etc.

I have known Dhs son since he was 6months old. I am happy to find him grants, scholarships, and loans. Well--loans I've already figured out. Beyond the Stafford loans, we cannot afford to make the payments on a private loan. But if you could point me to a source that I could scour for grants and scholarships given his GPA and SAT scores, I would greatly appreciate it. I would be willing to pay for a scholarship service if one exists.

It's obvious by the way to refer to your "Dhs son" that you couldn't care less and are annoyed at any amount you have to pay towards his schooling.

How else would you like me to refer to him? If I call him "our" son, nothing changes. We still can't afford a private tuition. I'm still frustrated that DH won't tell his son. And then if I refer to him as "our" son, then the obvious question is if DH won't tell him, why won't I? Well...in this case, because he IS not my son....it's not my place to tell him. So what is the right term that I should use to refer to him?

I am not annoyed at any amount that we pay towards his college. We have a set amount available. There is no more money. It would be nice if this were not the case, but college is not free and you can only go where you can pay the bill. I am annoyed that DH will not share this information with his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am not annoyed at any amount that we pay towards his college. We have a set amount available. There is no more money. It would be nice if this were not the case, but college is not free and you can only go where you can pay the bill. I am annoyed that DH will not share this information with his child.

Does DH agree with the bolded? Or does he think there's a way to work it out? If the former, I would be feeling frustrated as well, and actually sorry for SS who still has hope this can happen. If the latter, you and DH need to get on the same page, ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am not annoyed at any amount that we pay towards his college. We have a set amount available. There is no more money. It would be nice if this were not the case, but college is not free and you can only go where you can pay the bill. I am annoyed that DH will not share this information with his child.

Does DH agree with the bolded? Or does he think there's a way to work it out? If the former, I would be feeling frustrated as well, and actually sorry for SS who still has hope this can happen. If the latter, you and DH need to get on the same page, ASAP.

He's fully aware of how much money is saved for college. It's not even a case of can we take an extra $1000 out of every paycheck and pay for school. The slack in the household budget just isn't there. If he thinks there is a way to work it out, now would be the time to share the plan with me. Because I just don't see it. And yes, I do feel bad for my SS. It's not fair for him to think this is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, what are DH's reasons? If it is just that he does not want to disappoint his child, that's one thing. If he feels that the child will not succeed in a large state school, and would be more likely to succeed in a smaller private institution, I can see why he would work to try to make it happen.

He doesn't want to disappoint his child. The child has not demonstrated a solid academic record that would make me confident in sending him to a flagship state school. But I think any of the smaller public in state schools would offer the smaller class size that a private institution could offer.

So (as I suspect you know) this is not really about college. This is about college as a proxy for every way he feels he's let his son down.

I know you're frustrated, and you're welcome to vent here, but you need to let your husband talk, and you need to phrase this constructively: If we can't afford to send him to his dream school on what we have saved, how do we help him go someplace that's right for him? Is your SS willing to take on the necessary debt to pay for the pricey private? If not, is he ready to work through more-affordable options yet?

If he's not going to get to go to his dream school, your DH isn't doing him any favors by letting him think there's a chance. If your SS is old enough for college, he's old enough to be coming up with a plan that addresses both his personality and the family finances.

Thanks for this perspective. You're right, it isn't about college. SS has heard the message loud and clear that starting off life with loans is not good. So he doesn't want to take out loans. And I can understand that. I don't want him to start out life in debt either. I don't think we can start to work through more affordable options until the elephant in the room is addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents told me that if I went to any school that cost X, they'd pay for the whole thing. Any amount above X was on me. They didn't say I could or could not go anywhere - they just told me their parameters. As an adult, I think what they did was very smart - set a limit, let me make the decision, and they stayed within their means.

My parents said exactly the same thing to me. I wound up getting a fantastic education at UMD. I wouldn't change a thing.

Mine too, and they went one step farther and said that if I got scholarships or chose a school that cost less than X (and X was well under fancy private school and well above my state's flagship school tuition), they'd give me 1/2 the difference in cash upon college graduation. I ended up with a pretty nice nest egg to start post-grad life...

This is exactly what I plan to do with my child although I may limit an entire ride to certain careers that I think are worth pursuing. I wouldn't choose for my child, but I'm not paying the same amount of money for medieval studies because my child loves Lord of the Rings as I would pay for a career that they spent a lot of research one, have the talent for, and actually has jobs available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am not annoyed at any amount that we pay towards his college. We have a set amount available. There is no more money. It would be nice if this were not the case, but college is not free and you can only go where you can pay the bill. I am annoyed that DH will not share this information with his child.

Does DH agree with the bolded? Or does he think there's a way to work it out? If the former, I would be feeling frustrated as well, and actually sorry for SS who still has hope this can happen. If the latter, you and DH need to get on the same page, ASAP.

He's fully aware of how much money is saved for college. It's not even a case of can we take an extra $1000 out of every paycheck and pay for school. The slack in the household budget just isn't there. If he thinks there is a way to work it out, now would be the time to share the plan with me. Because I just don't see it. And yes, I do feel bad for my SS. It's not fair for him to think this is happening.

So it doesn't sound like you guys have really talked about it in detail. I would approach it with DH this way: "DH, I think we're being really unfair to SS by keeping him thinking there's a hope we could pay for Acme Private College. Is there some way you think we can pay for it? We should talk about it asap, because otherwise we're being cruel."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you still feel the same if he were your son?

If it were my son, this would not be an issue. I would come out and say your options are whatever in state you can be admitted to or community college. Why would I feel any differently if this were my biological child?

Because you would do what it takes to send him to the best school if he were your son. You would have found grants, scholarships, loans etc.

I have known Dhs son since he was 6months old. I am happy to find him grants, scholarships, and loans. Well--loans I've already figured out. Beyond the Stafford loans, we cannot afford to make the payments on a private loan. But if you could point me to a source that I could scour for grants and scholarships given his GPA and SAT scores, I would greatly appreciate it. I would be willing to pay for a scholarship service if one exists.

It's obvious by the way to refer to your "Dhs son" that you couldn't care less and are annoyed at any amount you have to pay towards his schooling.

How else would you like me to refer to him? If I call him "our" son, nothing changes. We still can't afford a private tuition. I'm still frustrated that DH won't tell his son. And then if I refer to him as "our" son, then the obvious question is if DH won't tell him, why won't I? Well...in this case, because he IS not my son....it's not my place to tell him. So what is the right term that I should use to refer to him?

I am not annoyed at any amount that we pay towards his college. We have a set amount available. There is no more money. It would be nice if this were not the case, but college is not free and you can only go where you can pay the bill. I am annoyed that DH will not share this information with his child.

Why are you annoyed? Because you're worried that DH will use financial resources that you don't think should be used on his child's education? Or because you think he's not interacting with his child properly?

If the former, then you may be wrong when you say "there is no more money." If the latter, why don't you tell your DH that the longer it takes to level with the boy, the harder he may take it. You can analogize it to how kids behave when they get turned down by a school - they are disappointed at first, but typically get over it.

[Anonymous]

Well, what are DH's reasons? If it is just that he does not want to disappoint his child, that's one thing. If he feels that the child will not succeed in a large state school, and would be more likely to succeed in a smaller private institution, I can see why he would work to try to make it happen.

If the kid needs a fancy private country club atmosphere to get a degree, he's going to be in for a big surprise when he enters the work force. And good luck paying off that 6 figure student loan.

That's not necessarily true. My sister was painfully shy and terrible at math. My parents extended themselves to send her to a small liberal arts college, where she found her niche and did well. She went on to get a graduate degree and does well for herself in a non-math-related field. If she had gone to a large state school, she would have floundered. If our state had an option like Mary Washington in VA, that probably would have been a good fit for her, but it didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you still feel the same if he were your son?

If it were my son, this would not be an issue. I would come out and say your options are whatever in state you can be admitted to or community college. Why would I feel any differently if this were my biological child?

Because you would do what it takes to send him to the best school if he were your son. You would have found grants, scholarships, loans etc.

I have known Dhs son since he was 6months old. I am happy to find him grants, scholarships, and loans. Well--loans I've already figured out. Beyond the Stafford loans, we cannot afford to make the payments on a private loan. But if you could point me to a source that I could scour for grants and scholarships given his GPA and SAT scores, I would greatly appreciate it. I would be willing to pay for a scholarship service if one exists.

It's obvious by the way to refer to your "Dhs son" that you couldn't care less and are annoyed at any amount you have to pay towards his schooling.

How else would you like me to refer to him? If I call him "our" son, nothing changes. We still can't afford a private tuition. I'm still frustrated that DH won't tell his son. And then if I refer to him as "our" son, then the obvious question is if DH won't tell him, why won't I? Well...in this case, because he IS not my son....it's not my place to tell him. So what is the right term that I should use to refer to him?

I am not annoyed at any amount that we pay towards his college. We have a set amount available. There is no more money. It would be nice if this were not the case, but college is not free and you can only go where you can pay the bill. I am annoyed that DH will not share this information with his child.

Why are you annoyed? Because you're worried that DH will use financial resources that you don't think should be used on his child's education? Or because you think he's not interacting with his child properly?

If the former, then you may be wrong when you say "there is no more money." If the latter, why don't you tell your DH that the longer it takes to level with the boy, the harder he may take it. You can analogize it to how kids behave when they get turned down by a school - they are disappointed at first, but typically get over it.

It's the latter. He tells me that we can't afford it. He doesn't need to tell me. He needs to tell his son. I agree with you that the longer he waits to have the discussion, the harder it's going to be.

[Anonymous]

"Here is what we would have paid for you to attend State U. You can go private but you have to find the rest yourself. Good luck to you."