Divorce - what to look out for?

[Anonymous]

Make sure you have a Right of First Refusal Clause in your custody agreement. People and priorities may change after a divorce, even if the situation is perfectly amicable now. Right of first refusal makes it impossible for one parent to leave the child in the care of someone else without first giving the other parent the option of keeping the child. This is especially important if either of you start dating other people. For example, if your ex-spouse starts dating someone, you have the legal right to prevent your child from being left alone in the care of that person. While it may sound vindictive to some, it really is intended to protect the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have come to the conclusion together that it's time to end the misery and move on. We are on amazing speaking terms for the moment, best we've had in ages and deciding who gets the house, custody of the kids etc. conversations have been relatively easy. Now we're starting the process of doing the business end like transferring titles and the like before we file.

Those of you who have BTDT, what should I look out for? I'm worried that things are going way too smoothly and think I may get blindsided at some point. I tend to expect the best most of the time and for people to do what they say they are going to (which he doesn't...got to get out of my life) so I want a list of what my worries should be so he doesn't take advantage.

And you're divorcing now, because....???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, red flags. Don't be so quick to waive away the money to which you are legally entitled. You may think are fine without it now, but your circumstances can change and it is easier to get a good settlement up-front than try to increase it later. His circumstances may change too and if you need more money later, it may not be there. It's much easier to get stuff during the divorce than after.

You should meet with a financial planner and find out what your real needs are, including college and retirement savings. Be very, very realistic about your retirement needs.

Ditto. Your DH may remarry, have more kids, and the next wife may not be as easy to deal with.

Absolutely! It may all change once he meets someone else. Unfortunately, I've seen this happen many times over with friends, family, and acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - so many great tips everyone! Honestly STBXH couldn't care less about custody, he travels constantly for work and likes to play the fun parent about once every two weeks and knows that having the kids would cramp his style. I don't care about our house and don't make tons of money, but as long as I can live don't care about his money. He earned it he can have it - he agreed to pay for daycare as needed and that's all I need.
He says he doesn't mind if we relocate and will even help financially if we need it. He can't wait to move on honestly, which works for me. Whatever makes it easier. I'm mostly worried about holidays, but don't want to start splitting hairs before I get custody.

The therapy and flexibility tips are especially helpful - I'd be so sad if my kids wanted to go live with him but it makes perfect sense to not make it a battle because it's really not fair to the kids.

This may change later. I cannot stress this enough. Do not underestimate the changes people undergo after a divorce. My husband's father and and two of my friends' husbands were the same way--until they remarried and wanted to play happy family again. All of a sudden, they wanted to be full-time fathers and waged vicious custody battles. Two of the cases involved long-distance and relocation issues. Holidays are the least of it.

I've been through my own divorce (without children, luckily), and I know that my own emotions waxed and waned. Most of the time, I just wanted to get through it quickly and move on. Looking back, I think I was in a bit of an emotional fog. Short and sweet is often not the best approach. When children are involved, you don't have the privilege of being short-sited.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have come to the conclusion together that it's time to end the misery and move on. We are on amazing speaking terms for the moment, best we've had in ages and deciding who gets the house, custody of the kids etc. conversations have been relatively easy. Now we're starting the process of doing the business end like transferring titles and the like before we file.

Those of you who have BTDT, what should I look out for? I'm worried that things are going way too smoothly and think I may get blindsided at some point. I tend to expect the best most of the time and for people to do what they say they are going to (which he doesn't...got to get out of my life) so I want a list of what my worries should be so he doesn't take advantage.

And you're divorcing now, because....???

Because there is light at the end of the dark tunnel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have come to the conclusion together that it's time to end the misery and move on. We are on amazing speaking terms for the moment, best we've had in ages and deciding who gets the house, custody of the kids etc. conversations have been relatively easy. Now we're starting the process of doing the business end like transferring titles and the like before we file.

Those of you who have BTDT, what should I look out for? I'm worried that things are going way too smoothly and think I may get blindsided at some point. I tend to expect the best most of the time and for people to do what they say they are going to (which he doesn't...got to get out of my life) so I want a list of what my worries should be so he doesn't take advantage.

And you're divorcing now, because....???

It could be they are fine as business partners but not as lovers/co-parents. In today's world, for better or for worse, that's not enough for a marriage. OP can't call on all her friends, or throw all the kids in a playpen while she plays bridge with the other moms, etc.,

Parenting requires more attention than it did even 40 years ago. Hell, in the 18th century, "Another belief was that clean linen and swaddling cloths robbed the babies of nourishing juices. (William) Cadogan suggested the revolutionary idea of removing excess wrapping and changing the baby at least once a day!"

More is expected socially and attention-wise from spouses than was required even 40 years ago (back then, he'd have to be hitting you, a complete falling-down drunk, etc., to make divorce "more" acceptable.) Now spouses are expected to be business partners, lovers, bestest friends, etc.

With that said, OP has to prepare for her ex to marry another woman. A fairly large # of divorced women go into the process thinking it'll be just the same -- same house, kids most of the time, same school, without that mean nasty evil man ruining all her fun and a free babysitter every other weekend + a few weeks here and there in the summer/breaks so she can run around and be the belle of the ball like she was 23 again. They don't envision their soon to be ex ever being attractive to someone else or possibly being a better husband/father to/with another woman than he was to her. (Of course, some men are such charming losers they'd never be a good husband/father, but that's a whole different story.)

Not gonna happen -- of course, the male problem is expecting a woman to work and bring in money but somehow be able to cover all snow/sick days, etc. -- in some cases, even day care is sniffed at as a luxury with this sort of man (I lived next door to one for a few years.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have come to the conclusion together that it's time to end the misery and move on. We are on amazing speaking terms for the moment, best we've had in ages and deciding who gets the house, custody of the kids etc. conversations have been relatively easy. Now we're starting the process of doing the business end like transferring titles and the like before we file.

Those of you who have BTDT, what should I look out for? I'm worried that things are going way too smoothly and think I may get blindsided at some point. I tend to expect the best most of the time and for people to do what they say they are going to (which he doesn't...got to get out of my life) so I want a list of what my worries should be so he doesn't take advantage.

And you're divorcing now, because....???

It could be they are fine as business partners but not as lovers/co-parents. In today's world, for better or for worse, that's not enough for a marriage. OP can't call on all her friends, or throw all the kids in a playpen while she plays bridge with the other moms, etc.,

Parenting requires more attention than it did even 40 years ago. Hell, in the 18th century, "Another belief was that clean linen and swaddling cloths robbed the babies of nourishing juices. (William) Cadogan suggested the revolutionary idea of removing excess wrapping and changing the baby at least once a day!"

More is expected socially and attention-wise from spouses than was required even 40 years ago (back then, he'd have to be hitting you, a complete falling-down drunk, etc., to make divorce "more" acceptable.) Now spouses are expected to be business partners, lovers, bestest friends, etc.

With that said, OP has to prepare for her ex to marry another woman. A fairly large # of divorced women go into the process thinking it'll be just the same -- same house, kids most of the time, same school, without that mean nasty evil man ruining all her fun and a free babysitter every other weekend + a few weeks here and there in the summer/breaks so she can run around and be the belle of the ball like she was 23 again. They don't envision their soon to be ex ever being attractive to someone else or possibly being a better husband/father to/with another woman than he was to her. (Of course, some men are such charming losers they'd never be a good husband/father, but that's a whole different story.)

Not gonna happen -- of course, the male problem is expecting a woman to work and bring in money but somehow be able to cover all snow/sick days, etc. -- in some cases, even day care is sniffed at as a luxury with this sort of man (I lived next door to one for a few years.)

Well said!

OP here - This guy will have others - he can charm the pants off them easily (worked on me!), but she'll have to do everything for him, cook full meals from scratch everyday, clean, take care of kids 24/7 and be able to hold down a full time job to help cover all his material needs of which there are many. If he can pull it together for someone then great for them, because it's not happening with me. I'm already marriage 2 and second set of kids for him, could have seen it coming if I hadn't been so blind at the time. Water under the bridge...

[Anonymous]

I'm already marriage 2 and second set of kids for him, could have seen it coming if I hadn't been so blind at the time. Water under the bridge...

OP, what are his obligations to his first set of kids, are they sufficient and has he upheld them?

I would really make sure that you have a lawyer or a financial planner with serious divorce experience look over your agreement.

You mentioned that he would 'pay for daycare if you needed it'--that's a promise, that's not a legally binding agreement on splitting educational costs.

finally, you may be a good manager of money and worker, but what if something happens to you? What if you are incapacitated and can't work?

take all the great points that others have raised and address them, and get someone to look over the agreement. I'm sure it feels good to get along and not have a horrible conflictual divorce, but don't screw yourself--and your child/ren--over just to avoid more pain and discord.