Divorce - what to look out for?

[Anonymous]

When my parents divorced, my father (in addition to paying support) bought a life insurance policy with me as the beneficiary. Thankfully, I never received it, but I know that gave my mother a lot peace of mind after my father remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what to do in the event that one of you wants or needs to relocate - where do the kids go and how does that impact custody/visitation?

This is a really big deal. I have a friend struggling with movement limitations now. She is required to live within a certain area, even though it is really hard for her, as teacher, to find an affordable apartment in that area.

[Anonymous]

OP here - so many great tips everyone! Honestly STBXH couldn't care less about custody, he travels constantly for work and likes to play the fun parent about once every two weeks and knows that having the kids would cramp his style. I don't care about our house and don't make tons of money, but as long as I can live don't care about his money. He earned it he can have it - he agreed to pay for daycare as needed and that's all I need.
He says he doesn't mind if we relocate and will even help financially if we need it. He can't wait to move on honestly, which works for me. Whatever makes it easier. I'm mostly worried about holidays, but don't want to start splitting hairs before I get custody.

The therapy and flexibility tips are especially helpful - I'd be so sad if my kids wanted to go live with him but it makes perfect sense to not make it a battle because it's really not fair to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Wow, red flags. Don't be so quick to waive away the money to which you are legally entitled. You may think are fine without it now, but your circumstances can change and it is easier to get a good settlement up-front than try to increase it later. His circumstances may change too and if you need more money later, it may not be there. It's much easier to get stuff during the divorce than after.

You should meet with a financial planner and find out what your real needs are, including college and retirement savings. Be very, very realistic about your retirement needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, red flags. Don't be so quick to waive away the money to which you are legally entitled. You may think are fine without it now, but your circumstances can change and it is easier to get a good settlement up-front than try to increase it later. His circumstances may change too and if you need more money later, it may not be there. It's much easier to get stuff during the divorce than after.

You should meet with a financial planner and find out what your real needs are, including college and retirement savings. Be very, very realistic about your retirement needs.

Ditto. Your DH may remarry, have more kids, and the next wife may not be as easy to deal with.

[Anonymous]

My advice is to finalize custody and property sooner rather than later. Don't rush and do get legal advice, but don't just let it stall. My ex and I were on good terms in the beginning after we separated and I wish I had nailed down some things then. As time went on he got less cooperative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College tuition, and also consider how retirement funds are being distributed. Even though you guys are getting along well, it may make sense to consult with an attorney to have them review your agreement to see if you're overlooking or have failed to fully consider anything.

Try not to get attorneys involved. Scum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, red flags. Don't be so quick to waive away the money to which you are legally entitled. You may think are fine without it now, but your circumstances can change and it is easier to get a good settlement up-front than try to increase it later. His circumstances may change too and if you need more money later, it may not be there. It's much easier to get stuff during the divorce than after.

You should meet with a financial planner and find out what your real needs are, including college and retirement savings. Be very, very realistic about your retirement needs.

Ditto. Your DH may remarry, have more kids, and the next wife may not be as easy to deal with.

Think about what you would need if you were laid off, or developed a chronic illness, or one of the kids developed a serious medical problem. If you are going to be basically the sole responsible adult in their lives, they are counting on you and this is a decision that may seriously impact their well-being. Don't throw away money that you and they may end up needing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to finalize custody and property sooner rather than later. Don't rush and do get legal advice, but don't just let it stall. My ex and I were on good terms in the beginning after we separated and I wish I had nailed down some things then. As time went on he got less cooperative.

+1 - I'm the PP who mentioned relocation. Get everything in writing - and even if you don't want (or care to have) his money, don't just waive it off. If nothing else, like others have said, make sure his financial commitment to and support for the kids' future is legally binding as with all other issues you two will agree on through this process. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - so many great tips everyone! Honestly STBXH couldn't care less about custody, he travels constantly for work and likes to play the fun parent about once every two weeks and knows that having the kids would cramp his style. I don't care about our house and don't make tons of money, but as long as I can live don't care about his money. He earned it he can have it - he agreed to pay for daycare as needed and that's all I need.
He says he doesn't mind if we relocate and will even help financially if we need it. He can't wait to move on honestly, which works for me. Whatever makes it easier. I'm mostly worried about holidays, but don't want to start splitting hairs before I get custody.

The therapy and flexibility tips are especially helpful - I'd be so sad if my kids wanted to go live with him but it makes perfect sense to not make it a battle because it's really not fair to the kids.

Sorry, but you are nuts. Your kid isn't always going to stay the same age. What about college, what if your kid turns out to have a learning issue and need to go to private school, what about that school trip the Chinese club is taking? What about clothes? What about summer camps and sports teams and Christmas (or holiday) gifts and birthday parties? Why would you intentionally not have him obligated to provide for your child in the manner to which your child has become accustomed? All of this is in the agreement I am negotiating right now, and my husband and I earn equally, so I can't imagine not asking for this stuff if you earn a lot less. I also am in the process of buying a huge life insurance policy with my kids (or a trustee for them) as beneficiary in case he does move along to wife #2 and drops them and something happens to me. It's nice to get along, but be SMART.

How old are your kids? If t=you have been the main caretaker, they NEED you right now. The path of least resistance is often not the best one ultimately for the kids. Get some professional advice - a child therapist - if not a lawyer. If it had been up to my STBX, he would have been living alone with the au pair in our house while the kids were with me. The child psychologist put the nix on that given that my kids are about to enter puberty and would notice (and no there is nothing going on there except his cluelessness).

[Anonymous]

You kid(s?) need to have their father in their lives. You can't just agree to cut him out because it is now convenient for you and him. Also, you need time to yourself if you are going to have a social life, have a hobby, get more education, etc.

[Anonymous]

Get all of divorce/settlement stuff done BEFORE either of you start dating. Really. THDT.

[Anonymous]

Not sure how old your kids are but what about serious post-divorce relationships. Can they be introduced to mommy/daddy's "new friend" without letting the ex know ahead of time and similar with sleepovers. As for therapy, is there anything about professional consultation for best approach to introduce "new friend" as well as therapy for kids dealing with aftermath of divorce.

[Anonymous]

You are a very smart woman OP to know to keep your full guard up.

Listen to that little voice inside of you to stay in tune to everything that is going on and to always use common sense and practice good judgment always.

Do not let him compromise your future retirement funds at all. His lawyer may try to make a deal with you by offering you something grand now if you forfeit your future retirement rights later on and it may be tempting, but do not fall for it. Make sure that you keep your retirement benefits because even if it seems like a long way off, you need to have that financial security.

[Anonymous]

To be honest I am far better set in the future than he is thanks to my parents investments and while I don't make as much as him I am generally smarter with money than he is. He lives in the moment and I live in the moment thinking of the future. Thank you all for bringing me back in touch with the reality that I will never be out of touch with this man and reminding me that he is the father of my gorgeous children. I honestly want to move on alone in the world, but the fact is he is going to need to be a part of that one way or another. A true reminder to all those without kids to be sure you really like your other half enough to spend the rest of your life with them.