Found out today Dh has been cheating on me all year

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Op here-to be sure, dh didn't tell me. I found out. I found out the hard way by catching an incoming email and also by looking up his call log on our phone bill. I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm off for two weeks to be with my parents/family. I'm a staff attorney. So I'm low on the forum pole but I'm usually a high performer/biller. I don't have those long hours in me now or after this "vacation". Seeing my dad on his almost death bed is hard enough. Seeing my mom so stressed and tired is worse and now dh wanting a divorce??! All I wanted was a magical Christmas for my kids. Instead they got about to lose her mind me. They kept asking me why my face was red and why my lips were set they way they were. I didn't get to even pretend for them since i was just soccer punched with the worst news of my life.


Were you suspicious, OP? I am so sorry. How old are your kids? Do you have anyone to talk to about all this?
Anonymous
OMG, what a peckerhead your DH is. I'm so sorry overall, but this timing is especially bad. Is DH making plans to move out? What an asshole
Anonymous
Thank goodness you have 2 weeks off. This is all new to you. You may look forward to returning to work at the end of the 2 weeks, so I wouldn't say anything yet.

If, as your return date approaches, you feel you need more time, use the dying parent as your excuse.

So, did he ask for a divorce because he wants to be with the OW or was it out of anger for snooping? Or a long-held desire that the discovery of this affair is forcing?

Did you have NO clue at all he was cheating?

Is he still in the home?

How's he treating you and the kids?

So many questions.
Anonymous
I'm so sorry OP. You are dealing with a lot here. Just a big hug and prayers from me. A lot of us are thinking about you and wishing you well.
Anonymous
What is it with these cheaters and the home wreckers they get involved with?????

So sorry for what you've discovered OP. So sickening to happen at Christmas.
Anonymous
I'm so sorry, OP. Big hugs from me as well.

I'd definitely reach out to EAP or a therapist of some sort, just for some feeling of doing something. I would need that.
Anonymous
Did you post previously?

Didn't I just read a post where someone used the phrase "call log"?
Anonymous
I know work gives time off for family issues such as a death in the family or attending a funeral, but am not sure of something of this magnitude. It probably falls under the category of a health issue however.

I am so sorry to hear about this OP, this must be a very difficult time for you. And the time of year to be going through this mess couldn't be worse. Shame on your husband for his awful actions!! Don't worry....Karma will get his ass for this. I promise.

For now, take care of yourself. Do not let yourself slide into depression.

Stay strong for your family. They need you. Stay strong for your own good.

If you need to take time off of work, try talking to your boss. Perhaps you can ask for less hours during this difficult time. You do not need to disclose the reason you need time off, just say it is for personal reasons and leave it at that.

If you feel comfortable, try confiding in your parents if you feel you can do so without things getting messy within the home. Hopefully you have a support system around you, including close friends and/or church members who you can also confide in.

And above all, make sure you surround yourself with positivity ONLY during this most difficult time in your life. Omit any form of toxicity from your life now as you do not need any complications or distractions as you move forward and move on.

Good luck.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Did you post previously?

Didn't I just read a post where someone used the phrase "call log"?



Yes, that jumped out at me, too. I believe it's this long thread where the husband said he was going to the gym, but hooked up with another woman. The OP uses the term "log" when referring to calls made.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/435486.page
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Did you post previously?

Didn't I just read a post where someone used the phrase "call log"?



Yes, that jumped out at me, too. I believe it's this long thread where the husband said he was going to the gym, but hooked up with another woman. The OP uses the term "log" when referring to calls made.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/435486.page


Im not either poster but this raised a red flag with me too. Why are there so many cheating post lately? I seriously suspect they are all from the same poster.
Anonymous
op here-I am the poster seeking a divorce attorney and the poster seeking a marriage counselor and the poster wanting to know if it is normal to ask the questions regarding the sexacapades.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:BTDT. No, you can't let them know and you probably can't take time off. What you need to do is close your door as much as possible and perform well enough to stay under the radar. Work will be a relief, though right now you probably can't see it.

Most important now is to protect yourself. If you have joint bank accounts, empty them. Close all joint credit cards tonight. Get a lawyer. And, hard as it is, be as good of a mom as you can be right now.

I'm sorry for you.


This. BTDT too, even the finding out at Christmas when I was surrounded by extended family and having to keep it together for everyone. It was horrific, but I got through it. Don't mention it at work, it's nobody's business and highly unprofessional. There's no way it will reflect positively on you. You do what this PP says, you close the door and function at the whatever minimal level you can. If you really need to take some more time off, you vaguely use your father's health as an excuse. In the meantime, you protect yourself. Tell one or two good friends and get some support behind you.

It was hellish for me for a few weeks. I'd get teary eyed at the office behind closed doors, was barely functional, but muddled through. Started feeling better after I unloaded on a couple of friends, talked to an attorney, and took steps to separate and protect my money. I never told my parents; they don't need to know why my marriage collapsed. Only a handful of my closest friends know how and when it all played out. It was awful for a long time, mind you, but that terrible state of being unmoored, scared, deeply hurt, and barely functional will not last for that long once you start taking action.

It can take a long time to get through this, but you will eventually. You're stronger than you think. Recalibrate your thoughts about him, he doesn't deserve to be agonized over. Nurture yourself. Good luck.

It's a hell of a way to celebrate Christmas. I know all too well.
Anonymous
Don't tell your parents yet.

Pick your strongest least judgemental friend (or 2) for support... Tell them but tell them to keep it on the down low for now.

Do not tell work yet. Use your dad's illness and your moms instability (Even if it I'd so lie) as your excuse.

Tell your family a friend from work or an old college friend died and that is why you are crying.

Go to a lawyer ASAP.

Find a counselor to talk to, advice from friends will basically be useless.

Plan something every day to stay busy for the next 2 weeks... Movies, museums,etc.

You have to stay strong, you can get through this.

Buy the book, "not just friends" by Glass and read survivinginfidelity.com

Do the 180 with your H. https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

Goid luck. Living well is the best revenge.
Anonymous
BTDT. This is still very new. You need some time away from everyone to process, even if it is just an hour or two. Get away from family and kids, even if it just a trip to the grocery store to cry in the parking lot. Take a warm hot bath and cry in the bathtub if you can't get out of the house. You need to give yourself some "me" time right now so that you can manage to pull it together for your kids and parents when you need to spend time with them.

Be careful about who you tell right now. Keep it to few very close friends and/or family members.

If I understand you correctly and you have the next two weeks off, then don't worry about work right now. See how things are after two weeks and get through it the best you can. While at first, being at work was hard for me because I couldn't concentrate, it eventually became a welcome break from the chaos around me and the one thing in my life that was stable.
Anonymous
Take an extra week off of work if you need to, and tell your boss what is going on. I know it seems weird or embarrassing, but unless your boss is a REAL ass, it will be better to inform him when you're going through something major in your personal life.

I have one friend whose marriage ended in a similarly shocking way (affair, divorce, young kids). He was a law partner so had more leeway, but he was able to ramp down while he dealt with the shock.

It may have to be unpaid leave, but much better for you to take the time you need.
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