FIL wants to become our nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the baby's grandfather, your husband's father, in other words, BLOOD. No one will love or care for your child more.

It amazes me to see the NO NO NO on here yet these same people have no problem leaving their kids with strangers and gay neighbors.

It's amazing to me too. I doubt a grandMA would get the same number of NOs.

A grandma with the same history of financial irresponsibility and inability to take care of herself would.

And to be fair, I do think it's worse that he's a man because the odds of him being able to cultivate a community of caregivers for the child to play with and him to have support from are incredibly unlikely. Sucks for male caregivers, but that's the way it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a situation like this with one girl at Gymboree. Her grandfather is her caregiver.

I have a few friends whose MIL is the caregiver. I don't see how it's different. Yes, older people may have different child-rearing ideas, but you can just tell them what you want done and ideally they''ll follow.

There's a huge value in what he does bring to the table -- he's trustworthy and always has his grandchild's best interest in mind. That's a bit harder to be sure of with a nanny.

We have a nanny and it works well, but we'd go for a relative any time.. it's just not an option in our case.

Worst-case, it doesn't work out and he gets a job around here. Plenty of jobs for skilled "manual" labor, espeically with experience.

NP here. The biggest issue isn't that OP's FIL is a man. It's that essentially he would be a dependent. He is in financial dire straits with very little prospects. So this isn't just a question of him being suitable for providing childcare. It is that moving him out here means that he will be OP's responsibility, even when she no longer needs help with childcare. He doesn't have a place to live or a means of employment. It's a high COL area. And getting into senior housing is a long and difficult process (there was a thread on this).

So FIL will not just be OP's nanny. He will be OP's responsibility to house, feed and clothe.

And if he turns out to not be suitable as a nanny (for whatever reason), OP will still be responsible for him. It isn't like a relative who lives nearby. It isn't like she'll be able to say, "Oh, I'm going to put him in daycare, thanks anyway" and part ways. He will be completely financially reliant upon her.

It sounds like the bigger issue is not about childcare but that OP's husband basically wants to take his father in, but he's using the childcare thing as a "See, this is good for us, too" kind of thing.

From what OP has written, I think it's a horrible idea. But I also don't think OP has much of a choice, because I'd bet money that even if OP says no, her husband is going to push to have his father come and stay with them.

And I hate to break it to OP, but a friend recently went through an ordeal trying to get a relative in senior housing. The waiting lists are more like 2 years. It's not an easy process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the baby's grandfather, your husband's father, in other words, BLOOD. No one will love or care for your child more.

It amazes me to see the NO NO NO on here yet these same people have no problem leaving their kids with strangers and gay neighbors.

It's amazing to me too. I doubt a grandMA would get the same number of NOs.

With that same background, I absolutely would have made the same number of "no"s.

[Anonymous]

My mom is fantastic with kids. She did a great job with my brother and I and cared for many nieces and nephews during the years. All that considered, she gets tired when she watches my kids (and they are quite mellow) She says all the time that she loves them to pieces but realizes now why God gives you kids when you're young. Life is physically different in your 60s and your FIL might not be the same kind of caregiver now as he was 30 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Could you do a trial run?

My father is a very nurturing caregiver and if he could have had the opportunity to care for my children, he would have. I trust him more than my mother or DH! So I have no antipathy towards male caregivers.

However, your situation is complicated by the financial and time management issues, and the fact that FIL would have no back-up living arrangements.

Definitely something to plan carefully.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it!!!
What are you going to do when the kid goes to school? He will never leave your house.

[Anonymous]

That he has such a hard time with money and jobs suggests poor decision making, maybe even a minor mental illness. I hired someone like this (caretaker, very nice person...) and she'd do things like sit my 8 month old child on the kitchen counter with her back turned on him while she was cooking. I got rid of her rather quick. Can't take chances like that, even if a small risk.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he has poor judgement in people and by extension I'd be concerned what friends he would make and bring around baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I think it's wrong to discriminate against men. I work in elementary education and I have lots of great male colleagues. Of course being a teacher of young children is different than being a caregiver but it still requires patience and compassion.

I don't want to get in FIL's entire work history but suffice to say he's got a high school education, not a ton of skills. He has terrible money managing skills and long term planning skills. A lot of his money woes come from the fact that he's been supporting his roommate who mooched off him for 12 years and tanked his finances. We have been trying to get him out of the bad relationship for years. (I say relationship because while I don't know if they were romantically involved, their drama they had a really messed up codependent relationship)

I think DH is really happy that FIL wants to move away because for years he refused to leave the bad relationship. I still lay some of the blame on FIL but I will say in for all his lack of money skills he was making enough at his old job to support just himself. Supporting another adult who refused to work because they are busy writing a novel/screen play/fantasy casting said movie/playing video games all day was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now that the mooching roommate has finally gotten disability and is busy mooching off his aunt, I think FIL feels free to leave.

He took care of DH from when DH was a baby to when DH was in high school, DH would see his mom on weekends and when he got to high school DH decided to flip flop the custodial arrangement (DH has a very good relationship with his mother, she is a wonderful and loving person)

15:14 here. I wasn't referring to the fact that your FIL is a man -- if you note, I said "him/her" when talking about your caregiver. I maintain, though, that you are going to want to hand-pick your caregiver as someone with long experience with infant care, who has chosen that career because s/he is good at it and enjoys it. Things have changed so much since we were kids, and so much more is expected of caregivers. You may be the exception to that, and truly be cool with 70s parenting, but don't bet on it. I have a very very strong feeling that your FIL has NO CLUE what this job really entails, and unfortunately at this point you don't either. That's not a slam, it's just a fact since your child is not yet here. Is it possible that your FIL actually is amazing with babies, totally willing and able to do everything that is required nowadays, and in fact missed his calling and really should have been a manny? Sure. But I think it's highly unlikely. You yourself admitted that you don't know this man very well, so you'd be taking an enormous gamble. Personally I wouldn't do it.

But if he's willing to do "everything that's required," why not? And for the first year, what more is really required than back in 1970? I mean the guidance has changed in terms of how baby sleeps and eats, perhaps, but for the first six months, it's really diapers, sleep, feeding, some play, talking a lot. Why can't FIL do this if he's on board with the new guidance? My MIL took care of my son for a month after I went back to work, and before the day care spot opened. She was way better at it than I was! She was willing to educate herself on the new guidance and follow any instructions we left in terms of what and how to feed him, and she was much less fearful about taking him places and exposing him to stuff, so he had many more fun outings with her.

I think if the expectations are made clear ahead of time, it could work. But you need a backup plan in case it doesn't work out. Maybe FIL finds it too taxing after a month or two (my MIL admitted it was far more exhausting than she'd remembered), or maybe he doesn't follow your directions after all, etc. Do a trial period and get on some day care wait lists so that if it goes sour, you can extricate yourself gracefully without ruining the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he has poor judgement in people and by extension I'd be concerned what friends he would make and bring around baby.

+1000 And how long would it be before his ex-roommate/partner would want to come for visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I think it's wrong to discriminate against men. I work in elementary education and I have lots of great male colleagues. Of course being a teacher of young children is different than being a caregiver but it still requires patience and compassion.

I don't want to get in FIL's entire work history but suffice to say he's got a high school education, not a ton of skills. He has terrible money managing skills and long term planning skills. A lot of his money woes come from the fact that he's been supporting his roommate who mooched off him for 12 years and tanked his finances. We have been trying to get him out of the bad relationship for years. (I say relationship because while I don't know if they were romantically involved, their drama they had a really messed up codependent relationship)

I think DH is really happy that FIL wants to move away because for years he refused to leave the bad relationship. I still lay some of the blame on FIL but I will say in for all his lack of money skills he was making enough at his old job to support just himself. Supporting another adult who refused to work because they are busy writing a novel/screen play/fantasy casting said movie/playing video games all day was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now that the mooching roommate has finally gotten disability and is busy mooching off his aunt, I think FIL feels free to leave.

He took care of DH from when DH was a baby to when DH was in high school, DH would see his mom on weekends and when he got to high school DH decided to flip flop the custodial arrangement (DH has a very good relationship with his mother, she is a wonderful and loving person)

15:14 here. I wasn't referring to the fact that your FIL is a man -- if you note, I said "him/her" when talking about your caregiver. I maintain, though, that you are going to want to hand-pick your caregiver as someone with long experience with infant care, who has chosen that career because s/he is good at it and enjoys it. Things have changed so much since we were kids, and so much more is expected of caregivers. You may be the exception to that, and truly be cool with 70s parenting, but don't bet on it. I have a very very strong feeling that your FIL has NO CLUE what this job really entails, and unfortunately at this point you don't either. That's not a slam, it's just a fact since your child is not yet here. Is it possible that your FIL actually is amazing with babies, totally willing and able to do everything that is required nowadays, and in fact missed his calling and really should have been a manny? Sure. But I think it's highly unlikely. You yourself admitted that you don't know this man very well, so you'd be taking an enormous gamble. Personally I wouldn't do it.

Can someone explain how the expectations of taking care of a baby have changed so much? I figure it's mostly a slog of naps feeding and diaper changes. Is there more to it that I'm missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the baby's grandfather, your husband's father, in other words, BLOOD. No one will love or care for your child more.

It amazes me to see the NO NO NO on here yet these same people have no problem leaving their kids with strangers and gay neighbors.

WTF is that supposed to mean you f*cking homophobe?!!!
Signed,
straight married mom of 2

[Anonymous]

OMG. No. Look, I'm sure there are exceptions but most older dads (not the younger generation) would probably be complete disasters. Even if your FIL was able to raise your DH, it sounds like a bad idea based on everything else you mentioned.

But then it sounds like you're going to do it anyway, so don't say we didn't warn you.

Also, why did you get pregnant if you didn't think you could afford some type of decent childcare? That just sounds really stupid.

[Anonymous]

Op here

I definitely have my misgivings about this. I figured dcum would give me a lot of arguments why it wouldn't work. It is hard because my husband is guilt tripping me hard core about this. He feels so obligated to help his father. I didn't bargain on so many sexist and homophobic responses but then that's dcum. (I would certainly have no problem having a gay or straight person watching my baby as long as I thought they were trustworthy)

I think the reality is that he feels so much obligation towards his father that it was almost inevitable that we'd end up becoming responsible for him. I don't think he has any retirement savings other than Social Security and pestering him to find out how much credit card debt he has because that's another issue.

As for other questions I highly doubt the roommate could afford a trip out to visit. I'm not spending any energy worrying about him.

I definitely think a trial period is a good. As is figuring out some back up jobs should this not work out not.

As for not being able to afford daycare go to hell. Yes I can afford childcare. Just exploring this as an alternative. We also considered asking a cousin who is an early childhood education major and former daycare worker but I think she is working in a different field right now and might be going back to school so it wouldn't work.

[Anonymous]

I would not let FIL live with you. He can be your nanny though. Your life is about to change drastically. You will be fighting, leaking, crying, etc. you do not want to be sharing your home with a man you only met a handful of times. Who knows what kind of advice he will be giving his son about you.