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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here

I think it's wrong to discriminate against men. I work in elementary education and I have lots of great male colleagues. Of course being a teacher of young children is different than being a caregiver but it still requires patience and  compassion.

I don't want to get in FIL's entire work history but suffice to say he's got a high school education, not a ton of skills. He has terrible money managing skills and long term planning skills. A lot of his money woes come from the fact that he's been supporting his roommate who mooched off him for 12 years and tanked his finances. We have been trying to get him out of the bad relationship for years. (I say relationship because while I don't know if they were romantically involved, their drama they had a really messed up codependent relationship)

I think DH is really happy that FIL wants to move away because for years he refused to leave the bad relationship.  I still lay some of the blame on FIL but I will say in for all his lack of money skills he was making enough at his old job to support just himself. Supporting another adult who refused to work because they are busy writing a novel/screen play/fantasy casting said movie/playing video games all day was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now that the mooching roommate has finally gotten disability and is busy mooching off his aunt, I think FIL feels free to leave.

He took care of DH from when DH was a baby to when DH was in high school, DH would see his mom on weekends and when he got to high school DH decided to flip flop the custodial arrangement (DH has a very good relationship with his mother, she is a wonderful and loving person)

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15:14 here.  I wasn't referring to the fact that your FIL is a man -- if you note, I said "him/her" when talking about your caregiver.  I maintain, though, that you are going to want to hand-pick your caregiver as someone with long experience with infant care, who has chosen that career because s/he is good at it and enjoys it.  Things have changed so much since we were kids, and so much more is expected of caregivers.  You may be the exception to that, and truly be cool with 70s parenting, but don't bet on it.  I have a very very strong feeling that your FIL has NO CLUE what this job really entails, and unfortunately at this point you don't either.  That's not a slam, it's just a fact since your child is not yet here.  Is it possible that your FIL actually is amazing with babies, totally willing and able to do everything that is required nowadays, and in fact missed his calling and really should have been a manny?  Sure.  But I think it's highly unlikely.  You yourself admitted that you don't know this man very well, so you'd be taking an enormous gamble.  Personally I wouldn't do it.  [/quote]

But if he's willing to do "everything that's required," why not? And for the first year, what more is really required than back in 1970? I mean the guidance has changed in terms of how baby sleeps and eats, perhaps, but for the first six months, it's really diapers, sleep, feeding, some play, talking a lot. Why can't FIL do this if he's on board with the new guidance? My MIL took care of my son for a month after I went back to work, and before the day care spot opened. She was way better at it than I was! She was willing to educate herself on the new guidance and follow any instructions we left in terms of what and how to feed him, and she was much less fearful about taking him places and exposing him to stuff, so he had many more fun outings with her.

I think if the expectations are made clear ahead of time, it could work. But you need a backup plan in case it doesn't work out. Maybe FIL finds it too taxing after a month or two (my MIL admitted it was far more exhausting than she'd remembered), or maybe he doesn't follow your directions after all, etc. Do a trial period and get on some day care wait lists so that if it goes sour, you can extricate yourself gracefully without ruining the relationship.[/quote]

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