FIL wants to become our nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I think it's wrong to discriminate against men. I work in elementary education and I have lots of great male colleagues. Of course being a teacher of young children is different than being a caregiver but it still requires patience and compassion.

I don't want to get in FIL's entire work history but suffice to say he's got a high school education, not a ton of skills. He has terrible money managing skills and long term planning skills. A lot of his money woes come from the fact that he's been supporting his roommate who mooched off him for 12 years and tanked his finances. We have been trying to get him out of the bad relationship for years. (I say relationship because while I don't know if they were romantically involved, their drama they had a really messed up codependent relationship)

I think DH is really happy that FIL wants to move away because for years he refused to leave the bad relationship. I still lay some of the blame on FIL but I will say in for all his lack of money skills he was making enough at his old job to support just himself. Supporting another adult who refused to work because they are busy writing a novel/screen play/fantasy casting said movie/playing video games all day was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now that the mooching roommate has finally gotten disability and is busy mooching off his aunt, I think FIL feels free to leave.

He took care of DH from when DH was a baby to when DH was in high school, DH would see his mom on weekends and when he got to high school DH decided to flip flop the custodial arrangement (DH has a very good relationship with his mother, she is a wonderful and loving person)

15:14 here. I wasn't referring to the fact that your FIL is a man -- if you note, I said "him/her" when talking about your caregiver. I maintain, though, that you are going to want to hand-pick your caregiver as someone with long experience with infant care, who has chosen that career because s/he is good at it and enjoys it. Things have changed so much since we were kids, and so much more is expected of caregivers. You may be the exception to that, and truly be cool with 70s parenting, but don't bet on it. I have a very very strong feeling that your FIL has NO CLUE what this job really entails, and unfortunately at this point you don't either. That's not a slam, it's just a fact since your child is not yet here. Is it possible that your FIL actually is amazing with babies, totally willing and able to do everything that is required nowadays, and in fact missed his calling and really should have been a manny? Sure. But I think it's highly unlikely. You yourself admitted that you don't know this man very well, so you'd be taking an enormous gamble. Personally I wouldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

no get yourself a nanny or daycare...taking care of a newborn is different

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. I don't care about the gender, but my guess is that it's going to be fun and alluring for a week at most, and then reality will set in. Your FIL will be overwhelmed, and you'll be left scrambling for childcare.

Once in a while babysitting? Sure! Not a regular nanny, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM, I am dealing with a big decision right now and I need lots of anoymous advice from the internet.

I am currently 4 months pregnant. My father in law has just offered to relocate from California to be our nanny when the baby comes. (the TLDR: He has very poor money managing and long term planning skills. he moved to CA earlier this year becuase he got evicted, is now living in his roomate's aunt's trailer and his unemployment ran out. The job prospects in his area, for his skill set are abysmal)

I am really ambivalent about this.


I really don't like the idea of sharing my rather small home with another adult and his two cats. FIL is a nice person but not someone I really know very well. Since he's always lived on the other side of the country and hasn't had a lot of money I've only seen him maybe 6-8 times in the past 11 years of being in a relationship with DH.

On the other hand I selfishly would love to have childcare from someone who is very trustworthy. FIL was the primary care-giving parent to DH when he was growing up. He has worked as a custodian and handyman and has a very good work ethic. He is talking about helping around the house with cleaning and even doing odd jobs around the house or helping with our yard. He really has a caregiver personality. He takes a lot of pride in being a good father to DH. I don't think he's trying to move in to get a free ride or anything.

It would save DH and I from having to worry about finding a nanny/daycare. We are crunching the numbers and it's possible we could even come out ahead even if we opt to put FIL in senior housing and pay him a stipend for watching our kid. I know it's kind of selfish of me but the reality is we live in a High COL area and childcare in my neck of the woods (silver spring) is expensive and hard to come by.

I am concerned that we really need to hammer all the details out and figure out everything even in writing before we commit to this. I think the reality is that no matter what DH feels very responsible for his father and that becasue of FIL's poor financial situation it was only a matter of time before we became financially responsible for him (as it we've already stepped in to help on other occasions)

OP,

My dad is our nanny. It works out great. However, the bolded parts concern me.

FIL is not good at long term planning, you said. There is a good chance he'll realize that being at home with a newborn is a hard adjustmetn for someone used to a lot of independence and mobility.

You don't know him very well. Will your DH be comfortable being the one to bring up any issues with his dad? It took awhile for my dad and I to figure out how to communicate where he didn't feel attacked, and I wasn't being so demanding.

For a few months we lived with my parents (relocated and hadn't bought a house yet). We moved into our own home and then my parents moved in with us for a few months because they had bought a new house, but it wasn't ready by the time their old house sold. We had a lot more challenges while living together than when living apart. Your FIL will be arriving during a period of immense transition for you. FIL moving in, you and DH having a baby, you returning to work...it's almost as though you're setting yourself up for failure. Before my dad took over full time, he would visit us in DC for a week at a time and take care of the baby, and he took over child care when DD was 2, and started watching DS at 4 months as well. It can work, but don't set yourself up for failure. Can you start with day care, and move your FIL closer to you toward the end of the baby's first year and see how it goes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I think it's wrong to discriminate against men. I work in elementary education and I have lots of great male colleagues. Of course being a teacher of young children is different than being a caregiver but it still requires patience and compassion.

I don't want to get in FIL's entire work history but suffice to say he's got a high school education, not a ton of skills. He has terrible money managing skills and long term planning skills. A lot of his money woes come from the fact that he's been supporting his roommate who mooched off him for 12 years and tanked his finances. We have been trying to get him out of the bad relationship for years. (I say relationship because while I don't know if they were romantically involved, their drama they had a really messed up codependent relationship)

I think DH is really happy that FIL wants to move away because for years he refused to leave the bad relationship. I still lay some of the blame on FIL but I will say in for all his lack of money skills he was making enough at his old job to support just himself. Supporting another adult who refused to work because they are busy writing a novel/screen play/fantasy casting said movie/playing video games all day was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now that the mooching roommate has finally gotten disability and is busy mooching off his aunt, I think FIL feels free to leave.

He took care of DH from when DH was a baby to when DH was in high school, DH would see his mom on weekends and when he got to high school DH decided to flip flop the custodial arrangement (DH has a very good relationship with his mother, she is a wonderful and loving person)

15:14 here. I wasn't referring to the fact that your FIL is a man -- if you note, I said "him/her" when talking about your caregiver. I maintain, though, that you are going to want to hand-pick your caregiver as someone with long experience with infant care, who has chosen that career because s/he is good at it and enjoys it. Things have changed so much since we were kids, and so much more is expected of caregivers. You may be the exception to that, and truly be cool with 70s parenting, but don't bet on it. I have a very very strong feeling that your FIL has NO CLUE what this job really entails, and unfortunately at this point you don't either. That's not a slam, it's just a fact since your child is not yet here. Is it possible that your FIL actually is amazing with babies, totally willing and able to do everything that is required nowadays, and in fact missed his calling and really should have been a manny? Sure. But I think it's highly unlikely. You yourself admitted that you don't know this man very well, so you'd be taking an enormous gamble. Personally I wouldn't do it.

I am the PP with the dad who watches my kids. I think this poster is correct. I knew going in that my dad is really, really good with kids and babies and has a lot of patience. (My friends call him the baby whisperer...even the fussiest babies who hate strangers are cool with my dad.) A trial run is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the baby's grandfather, your husband's father, in other words, BLOOD. No one will love or care for your child more.

It amazes me to see the NO NO NO on here yet these same people have no problem leaving their kids with strangers and gay neighbors.

lol

[Anonymous]

There's a situation like this with one girl at Gymboree. Her grandfather is her caregiver.

I have a few friends whose MIL is the caregiver. I don't see how it's different. Yes, older people may have different child-rearing ideas, but you can just tell them what you want done and ideally they''ll follow.

There's a huge value in what he does bring to the table -- he's trustworthy and always has his grandchild's best interest in mind. That's a bit harder to be sure of with a nanny.

We have a nanny and it works well, but we'd go for a relative any time.. it's just not an option in our case.

Worst-case, it doesn't work out and he gets a job around here. Plenty of jobs for skilled "manual" labor, espeically with experience.

[Anonymous]

You are describing my dream come true. My FIL is kind of kooky, but if I got an offer like that - I would be all over it. Damn, I'll take YOUR FIL.

[Anonymous]

How much are you planning to pay him per hr ?

[Anonymous]

My MIL proposed to take care of DS when I was pregnant. We compromised and she takes care of him 3 days a week and he goes to daycare 2 days a week.

[Anonymous]

"It's the baby's grandfather, your husband's father, in other words, BLOOD. No one will love or care for your child more. "

What are the stats on this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the baby's grandfather, your husband's father, in other words, BLOOD. No one will love or care for your child more.

It amazes me to see the NO NO NO on here yet these same people have no problem leaving their kids with strangers and gay neighbors.

It's amazing to me too. I doubt a grandMA would get the same number of NOs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the baby's grandfather, your husband's father, in other words, BLOOD. No one will love or care for your child more.

It amazes me to see the NO NO NO on here yet these same people have no problem leaving their kids with strangers and gay neighbors.

Putting so much faith in blood is naive.

[Anonymous]

This is a terrible idea.