FIL wants to become our nanny
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Anonymous
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Hi DCUM, I am dealing with a big decision right now and I need lots of anoymous advice from the internet.
I am currently 4 months pregnant. My father in law has just offered to relocate from California to be our nanny when the baby comes. (the TLDR: He has very poor money managing and long term planning skills. he moved to CA earlier this year becuase he got evicted, is now living in his roomate's aunt's trailer and his unemployment ran out. The job prospects in his area, for his skill set are abysmal) I am really ambivalent about this. I really don't like the idea of sharing my rather small home with another adult and his two cats. FIL is a nice person but not someone I really know very well. Since he's always lived on the other side of the country and hasn't had a lot of money I've only seen him maybe 6-8 times in the past 11 years of being in a relationship with DH. On the other hand I selfishly would love to have childcare from someone who is very trustworthy. FIL was the primary care-giving parent to DH when he was growing up. He has worked as a custodian and handyman and has a very good work ethic. He is talking about helping around the house with cleaning and even doing odd jobs around the house or helping with our yard. He really has a caregiver personality. He takes a lot of pride in being a good father to DH. I don't think he's trying to move in to get a free ride or anything. It would save DH and I from having to worry about finding a nanny/daycare. We are crunching the numbers and it's possible we could even come out ahead even if we opt to put FIL in senior housing and pay him a stipend for watching our kid. I know it's kind of selfish of me but the reality is we live in a High COL area and childcare in my neck of the woods (silver spring) is expensive and hard to come by. I am concerned that we really need to hammer all the details out and figure out everything even in writing before we commit to this. I think the reality is that no matter what DH feels very responsible for his father and that becasue of FIL's poor financial situation it was only a matter of time before we became financially responsible for him (as it we've already stepped in to help on other occasions) |
Anonymous
| How is FIL with newborns? Fine if the kid is toddler and older, but not sure about newborns. That generation of men were not as involved with taking care of infants. |
Anonymous
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No. No, no, no.
Being your baby's nanny should not be a back-up plan for FIL's inability to take care of himself. And, really, you'd probably only need someone in a nanny type position for a year, two at most, and then what? You'd still be housing or paying for FIL's housing and have childcare expenses. No, no, no. You're just gaining another person to take care of (ultimately) if this happens. If he wants to move out this way, great, but I don't think setting it up this way is a good idea at all. |
Anonymous
| DO NOT DO IT, OP. DO NOT. |
Anonymous
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NO way NO how would I do this, primarily because the whole living situation thing sounds like a disaster and it sounds like if you move him out here he's your responsibility forever, starting now. You can find a good in-home daycare for less than $1500/month. I don't know the costs for senior housing but I can't fathom how you could pay someone's rent on an apartment, plus the bare minimum anyone would need for food, clothing, phone, health costs not covered by Medicare, etc. and still come out ahead of that. ANd even if you could, it's NOT WORTH IT.
BUt you've probably thought about all of htat. Here's what you may not realize: Right now your baby seems theoretical and you look at your FIL as a decent enough guy who is probably responsible enough to care for a child. When your baby gets here, you will realize that is not enough. You are going to want a loving, knowledgeable caregiver with years of experience, who absolutely loves caring for children. If that person is in your home, you will expect him/her to interact with the child, keep the TV off, maintain a nap/feeding schedule, spend lots of time on the floor playing with her, take her out for walks, to playgroups, music class, storytime, etc. You will want the best for your baby. You will NOT be satisfied with a responsible-enough elderly man who sees an opportunity to live rent-free in exchange for what probably seems like a not-too-difficult job. RUN from this idea. |
Anonymous
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OP
FIl is in very good shape. he is 61 years old and still hikes and walks regularly. He has no major health issues. I know he's good around kids but I haven't see him interact with babies. I think DH is really on board with this because he's his father's only son and he feels very responsible for him. We are looking at senior housing that is under 600. The sucky thing is that most of these places have a year long waiting list so we'd need to find something else in the mean time. |
Anonymous
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Things to think about:
If things aren't working out, are you willing to fire your FIL? What happens if FIL gets sick and can't be your nanny any more? I assume he's not a young guy. Would he continue living in your house and/or you'd continue paying for his senior living? What happens when your child is in school full time? Do you cut FIL loose? Are you going to do this on the books? Take out taxes, etc? |
Anonymous
| My first thought was no way. It sounds like he wants a place to live, is financially irresponsible. How can a man of his age not be in a better financial position when he had his whole life to work? What age was your husband when FIL took care of him? I wouldn't want a man taking care of my baby. I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm discriminating against men but women are better at it. Old people also fall asleep easily. I love my dad, but I don't think I would have let my own father watch my own newborn. You did make him seem to have the right combination of care taking ability and hard work ethic, but it's a red flag that he would jump at a chance for a new living situation with a baby. Doing odd jobs around the house-maybe, but taking care of your newborn? No. |
Anonymous
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OP here
I think it's wrong to discriminate against men. I work in elementary education and I have lots of great male colleagues. Of course being a teacher of young children is different than being a caregiver but it still requires patience and compassion. I don't want to get in FIL's entire work history but suffice to say he's got a high school education, not a ton of skills. He has terrible money managing skills and long term planning skills. A lot of his money woes come from the fact that he's been supporting his roommate who mooched off him for 12 years and tanked his finances. We have been trying to get him out of the bad relationship for years. (I say relationship because while I don't know if they were romantically involved, their drama they had a really messed up codependent relationship) I think DH is really happy that FIL wants to move away because for years he refused to leave the bad relationship. I still lay some of the blame on FIL but I will say in for all his lack of money skills he was making enough at his old job to support just himself. Supporting another adult who refused to work because they are busy writing a novel/screen play/fantasy casting said movie/playing video games all day was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now that the mooching roommate has finally gotten disability and is busy mooching off his aunt, I think FIL feels free to leave. He took care of DH from when DH was a baby to when DH was in high school, DH would see his mom on weekends and when he got to high school DH decided to flip flop the custodial arrangement (DH has a very good relationship with his mother, she is a wonderful and loving person) |
Anonymous
| As a very hands-on father, I agree that men can be very good infant/child care, but do caution you that those that can do a good job are the minority and fewer and farther between. That said, since your father-in-law is currently between jobs, I would recommend that you suggest a trial period. Are you taking maternity leave? Why don't you set your maternity leave period as a trial period when he comes out and lives with you and helps you through the maternity leave. Then you get to watch hands-on how he handles the baby and how he cares for the baby while you are at home. Tell him that if you don't feel comfortable continuing the arragement, you'll let him know before the end of maternity leave. If he doesn't give up his current California living arrangements, he can return there temporarily after maternity leave and you can make other plans for both childcare and seniorcare for him (including possibly moving him back here to some eldercare close to home/here. This gives a definite "probably period" where you have an explicit end of term unless you make further arrangements. |
Anonymous
PP again. If it doesn't work out with the childcare arrangements, you can move him here locally and try to find him some low wage jobs that he can use to help support himself here where you and your husband can keep an eye on him and help him with financial management and perhaps with a little financial help here and there. Plus, he'll still get to see his grandchild on weekends and such if he's local. |
Anonymous
| NO!!!!!! |
Anonymous
| What does your DH say? Does he think his dad would be good with kids? If the guy is good with kids, I would say "yes," but he has to go to an apartment. Tell him its a trial and if doesn't work, he'll have to find something else to do. |
Anonymous
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It's the baby's grandfather, your husband's father, in other words, BLOOD. No one will love or care for your child more.
It amazes me to see the NO NO NO on here yet these same people have no problem leaving their kids with strangers and gay neighbors. |
Anonymous
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Just because someone was the primary care giver some 30 years ago, that doesn't mean that person, male or female, is ready to be a full-time nanny.
No. |