Anyone Else Emotionally Lonely and Married

[Anonymous]

Raising my hand.

[Anonymous]

Currently ... No kids thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW here, add me to the list. Married 10 years, 2 kids under 6. I am terribly lonely, zero emotional connection and a basically sexless marriage (and what sex there is happens at my request and is rote). After many years of trying to talk to DH about this with zero results, I am miserable and my self esteem was in the toilet. I recently started an affair with a man in a similar marriage. The affair has helped me realize that my DH has checked out and that we are just co parents and roommates. I am in the process of initiating a separation. I just can't live like this any longer. An affair is just a bandaid covering a big wound, and is not the answer (even though it helps a huge amount in the self esteem department to be really wanted).

Good for you for finding your way out, no matter how you had to do it. Life is too precious to waste being sad and unfulfilled all the time.

Pp here. Thank you for your support. I have posted my story a couple of times recently here and have been happy to be on the receiving end of good wishes.

PAR FOR THE COURSE
I'm a man in the same boat having an affair to save my sanity. However, my story draws very negative reactions about how much a scum bag I am !!!!!

Pp DW here. Then, let me be the first to offer you well wishes on your journey to finding some fulfillment. I totally get where you are coming from. But...do you agree that an affair is not the long term answer? It helps your sanity but doesn't fix the marriage. What are your plans for your marriage?

[Anonymous]

I'm a pp DW that raised my hand. I don't begrudge those who have affairs or separate/ divorce, but I can't imagine life would get easier. With 2 little kids and a demanding job I can't even find time for a haircut, let alone time to find emotional connection. Very depressing to not see room for change at least until the kids are more self sufficient (by which time I'll be in my 50s - not a good time for a woman to be on the market).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a pp DW that raised my hand. I don't begrudge those who have affairs or separate/ divorce, but I can't imagine life would get easier. With 2 little kids and a demanding job I can't even find time for a haircut, let alone time to find emotional connection. Very depressing to not see room for change at least until the kids are more self sufficient (by which time I'll be in my 50s - not a good time for a woman to be on the market).

Pp DW here who just started a likely short term affair. You speak the truth. This is not an easy situation at all. Yesterday I was hung ho separation, today I am having second thoughts. We are starting couples therapy next week. I initially set it up to check the box but I think that I really, really need to do the work to make entirely sure that this is what I want. The whole thing just sucks. I was madly in love with DH when we married, and in a large sense he has become somebody different over the years...or maybe this was his true self and i married somebody else. Hard to reconcile that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally no - on that front I couldn't ask for more.

Physically though we're the Gobi Desert of sexual activity and it's incredibly distressing.

Me too. Me too. We are so very intimate and affectionate, but we don't do it anymore ever and it is killing me.

[Anonymous]

I was. Then I got to know Jesus and things are much better. Life gives you thorns in your side to drive you to your knees. The World will NEVER give long lasting satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

Another approach is to spend some time investigating Mindfulness. While there is some overlap with Christianity, I think a general idea is less pessimistic than the above. It's more along the lines of: Only YOU can give yourself long lasting satisfaction so stop waiting for the world to give it to you. And that can come from the simplest of things--your own breath, and appreciating your existence through it (vastly oversimplified--there is much more to it but that is one thing). There are some very useful concepts in the whole approach, not just meditation, that can help you see your life differently and possibly help you find a path to happiness (and some answers about what to do or how to go about making change). I am a huge fan of Tara Brach (beloved worldwide), who we are fortunate to have in this meditation and who gives talks and brief meditation sessions on Wed nights in Bethesda--and also podcasts her talks for free on her website. If you don't have it in you to try to meditation you might also want to consider a general more mindful living approach. I have no read this book but heard this woman talk on NPR and she discusses this approach in this book: http://www.ellenlanger.com/books/3/mindfulness There is a fantastic online course if anyone wants to spend 250 bucks--called Awakening Joy (also a book by the course leader James Baraz). I am in the middle of it now. Goes through Intention for happier living, mindfulness, gratitude, joy in difficult times, loving yourself, connection with others, compassion , etc. A great holiday present to yourself! I believe it starts in January or Feb. awakeningjoy.info. Such a nice group of people presenting. Mindfulness has definitely made me happier even though I am not so disciplined about meditation.

[Anonymous]

I hate my husband when we both drink and I get super depressed. It must be because alcohol is a depressant. I feel like he's a drunk fool when he drinks. He lewdly checks out women, say inappropriate things and won't stay off of me. I dread having to babysit him when we get home and watching him stumble around. I also hate how he can't have sex after he has been drinking. It plain stinks!!

I have also discovered how sexist he is. His only comments about women are something sexual, such as her hooking up or how she is DTF. When speaking with his male friends, they typically talk about women in this fashion. His friends are unattractive losers. He does have one friend who is a nice guy. My husband also tends to think his friends are cheating on their SOs. He often makes fun of women on TV and seems to judge women much more than he judges men.

Our sex life is also rather lame. I wish I had been able to marry someone who is kinder towards others and enjoys the company of women, besides just for sex. I feel like he doesn't respect women at all. It makes me incredibly lonesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate my husband when we both drink and I get super depressed. It must be because alcohol is a depressant. I feel like he's a drunk fool when he drinks. He lewdly checks out women, say inappropriate things and won't stay off of me. I dread having to babysit him when we get home and watching him stumble around. I also hate how he can't have sex after he has been drinking. It plain stinks!!

I have also discovered how sexist he is. His only comments about women are something sexual, such as her hooking up or how she is DTF. When speaking with his male friends, they typically talk about women in this fashion. His friends are unattractive losers. He does have one friend who is a nice guy. My husband also tends to think his friends are cheating on their SOs. He often makes fun of women on TV and seems to judge women much more than he judges men.

Our sex life is also rather lame. I wish I had been able to marry someone who is kinder towards others and enjoys the company of women, besides just for sex. I feel like he doesn't respect women at all. It makes me incredibly lonesome.

WHY are you staying? You do realize that this behavior will only increase in intensity in time? Do you have kids? Is this the kind of role model you want for them? Would you want your daughter married to someone like him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate my husband when we both drink and I get super depressed. It must be because alcohol is a depressant. I feel like he's a drunk fool when he drinks. He lewdly checks out women, say inappropriate things and won't stay off of me. I dread having to babysit him when we get home and watching him stumble around. I also hate how he can't have sex after he has been drinking. It plain stinks!!

I have also discovered how sexist he is. His only comments about women are something sexual, such as her hooking up or how she is DTF. When speaking with his male friends, they typically talk about women in this fashion. His friends are unattractive losers. He does have one friend who is a nice guy. My husband also tends to think his friends are cheating on their SOs. He often makes fun of women on TV and seems to judge women much more than he judges men.

Our sex life is also rather lame. I wish I had been able to marry someone who is kinder towards others and enjoys the company of women, besides just for sex. I feel like he doesn't respect women at all. It makes me incredibly lonesome.

WHY are you staying? You do realize that this behavior will only increase in intensity in time? Do you have kids? Is this the kind of role model you want for them? Would you want your daughter married to someone like him?

Because I am never going to find a perfect spouse. He has a lot of great qualities.

[Anonymous]

Same here, sometimes I kinda find a away to go spend money and try to have fun, but I personally don't like to waste money, but she just makes me mad all the time.

[Anonymous]

....and I will contribute what I have always contributed to posts like these.

In my view, marriage (specifically the Anglo-American approach we practice) was never designed to sustain love and attraction between two people. Despite all the religious, traditional, and ethical noise that we all grew up with, the philosophical basis of marriage is for family life. In other words, European society needed a way of protecting property rights and estates for new persons coming in (babies), and those going out (through death), so marriage was just an institution designed to structure our lives legally, especially since the separation of Church and State centuries ago. If you think about it, why do we need to establish a legal contract around who we fall in love with and how we need to express ourselves romantically and sexually? As humans we logically do not, but at the same time, if we didn't have a way of structuring this, then social life would be one muddled mess, not to mention the confusion in the legal system. So the fact that you are emotionally lonely and 'checking out' to my mind is human nature.

Knowing what I know, I suppose I am never going to understand why people are in such a rush to fall in love (on the basis of physical features) and sign a marital contract as a way of justifying to the world how they feel about the person. Today we mistakenly use marriage as a way of affirming love for another person, without understanding WHY we practice WHAT we practice. For me, marriage and parenting may or may not go hand-in-hand (and has to be an individual decision), but either way, neither necessarily guarantees the illusion of 'happily ever after' happiness, which we have been socialized into thinking really exists.

Yeah, I am the same early 30s single guy (for those who think it actually matters)...........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:....and I will contribute what I have always contributed to posts like these.

In my view, marriage (specifically the Anglo-American approach we practice) was never designed to sustain love and attraction between two people. Despite all the religious, traditional, and ethical noise that we all grew up with, the philosophical basis of marriage is for family life. In other words, European society needed a way of protecting property rights and estates for new persons coming in (babies), and those going out (through death), so marriage was just an institution designed to structure our lives legally, especially since the separation of Church and State centuries ago. If you think about it, why do we need to establish a legal contract around who we fall in love with and how we need to express ourselves romantically and sexually? As humans we logically do not, but at the same time, if we didn't have a way of structuring this, then social life would be one muddled mess, not to mention the confusion in the legal system. So the fact that you are emotionally lonely and 'checking out' to my mind is human nature.

Knowing what I know, I suppose I am never going to understand why people are in such a rush to fall in love (on the basis of physical features) and sign a marital contract as a way of justifying to the world how they feel about the person. Today we mistakenly use marriage as a way of affirming love for another person, without understanding WHY we practice WHAT we practice. For me, marriage and parenting may or may not go hand-in-hand (and has to be an individual decision), but either way, neither necessarily guarantees the illusion of 'happily ever after' happiness, which we have been socialized into thinking really exists.

Yeah, I am the same early 30s single guy (for those who think it actually matters)...........

I agree with your historical references, however there is something really beautiful about spending your life with a partner who shares your values and your dreams. I just went to a 50th wedding anniversary party for parents of friends, and while I know they've had their ups and downs, they have built a wonderful life together filled with family, friends, traditions and love. They are partners, and they've created a life together which is inspirational to me. I'm divorced, but hopeful that I might find a partner in the truest sense of the word to share myself with, and build something.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 56 year old man who has been married for 36 years, never been supported, never been honored, given everything I have in me to give and I'm very tired. Would like to experience life before I die