Anyone Else Emotionally Lonely and Married

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation. No sex, no emotional connection, no affection, etc. We were best friends living together while raising children. We never fought. We just went on day to day.

She changed, started seeing someone else, and we split.

Best thing that happened to me for sure. Looking toward the future of being alone is no fun....but trust me it isn't bad at all. You can start all over again, begin doing what makes you happy, and you'll find someone that will have an emotional connection, great sex, and the affection you want.

I don't believe humans were meant to be with the same partner the rest of their lives. At least the majority. Some people luck out and none of that stuff ever fades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in the same situation. No sex, no emotional connection, no affection, etc. We were best friends living together while raising children. We never fought. We just went on day to day.

She changed, started seeing someone else, and we split.

Best thing that happened to me for sure. Looking toward the future of being alone is no fun....but trust me it isn't bad at all. You can start all over again, begin doing what makes you happy, and you'll find someone that will have an emotional connection, great sex, and the affection you want.

I don't believe humans were meant to be with the same partner the rest of their lives. At least the majority. Some people luck out and none of that stuff ever fades.

Glad that worked out for you, how much child support you were paying? Sounds like you guys did the mediation way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in the same situation. No sex, no emotional connection, no affection, etc. We were best friends living together while raising children. We never fought. We just went on day to day.

She changed, started seeing someone else, and we split.

Best thing that happened to me for sure. Looking toward the future of being alone is no fun....but trust me it isn't bad at all. You can start all over again, begin doing what makes you happy, and you'll find someone that will have an emotional connection, great sex, and the affection you want.

I don't believe humans were meant to be with the same partner the rest of their lives. At least the majority. Some people luck out and none of that stuff ever fades.

Did it work out as well for her? How do you deal with custody? You pretty much described my marriage, but I feel like if we split I'd just end up with all the work and no help, and wouldnt have time to find that connection anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The woman having the affair with the poor 'stand-up' guy in the same situation ....uh- he's cheating on his wife. Real winner.

These guys will tell you any sob story to get laid. You two deserve each other.

I doubt that you are in a emotionally lonely marriage. If you were... I really do not think that you would be responding the that you are..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always used to judge people who had affairs - you have made your vows, etc... but two decades into a relationship that has lost any love or affection and consists of at best cold cooperation and at worst bitter resentment, in a job you despise and no social life, you become dead inside. Perhaps people just want to feel something again, to feel alive and wanted.

OMG! So very true!!

[Anonymous]

So totally lonely. DH is an active, involved dad but very hostile to me. We have nothing but the toddler in common anymore, and we're only married 2.5 years. I know I would be less lonely alone. There is a terrible, terrible grief being lonely in your own home. I never knew it could be this bad.

I know I need to change things but I am so, so, so opposed to being separated from my child. I know DH will want to share custody and I can't imagine being apart from te child nor denying him time with his father. It's a terrible terrible place to be stuck in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So totally lonely. DH is an active, involved dad but very hostile to me. We have nothing but the toddler in common anymore, and we're only married 2.5 years. I know I would be less lonely alone. There is a terrible, terrible grief being lonely in your own home. I never knew it could be this bad.

I know I need to change things but I am so, so, so opposed to being separated from my child. I know DH will want to share custody and I can't imagine being apart from te child nor denying him time with his father. It's a terrible terrible place to be stuck in.

What do mean by hostile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So totally lonely. DH is an active, involved dad but very hostile to me. We have nothing but the toddler in common anymore, and we're only married 2.5 years. I know I would be less lonely alone. There is a terrible, terrible grief being lonely in your own home. I never knew it could be this bad.

I know I need to change things but I am so, so, so opposed to being separated from my child. I know DH will want to share custody and I can't imagine being apart from te child nor denying him time with his father. It's a terrible terrible place to be stuck in.

Is the loneliness physical or emotional or both?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:DW here, add me to the list. Married 10 years, 2 kids under 6. I am terribly lonely, zero emotional connection and a basically sexless marriage (and what sex there is happens at my request and is rote). After many years of trying to talk to DH about this with zero results, I am miserable and my self esteem was in the toilet. I recently started an affair with a man in a similar marriage. The affair has helped me realize that my DH has checked out and that we are just co parents and roommates. I am in the process of initiating a separation. I just can't live like this any longer. An affair is just a bandaid covering a big wound, and is not the answer (even though it helps a huge amount in the self esteem department to be really wanted).

Good for you for finding your way out, no matter how you had to do it. Life is too precious to waste being sad and unfulfilled all the time.

PP didn't find her way out. She's having an affair to boost her self esteem. That affair will end and she will be back to square one and still in a bad marriage. Cmon now. Haven't we seen this same story a million times? This is real life, not the movies.

I am the pp about which you are talking. You are totally right. I made a terrible mistake. After years of my DH checking out and me not being able to get through to him, I decided that he was over me and my sense of self worth was in the toilet. I was at the lowest point I have ever been. So I had a two week emotional affair and a one night stand with this over person who saw an opportunity. Stupid stupid mistake on my part. DH and I went to our counseling session yesterday and he is desperate to save the marriage. Now I have to tell him what I did. His could all blow up in my face, even though my indiscretion is what have me the courage to face my marital crisis. Once and for all.

Yes I am a scumbag. Yes I made a horrible mistake. Yes I am terrified to tell DH. But I am a big girl, and I have to face up and accept the consequences.

People, don't do what I did. Just don't.

I was on the other side--very similar thing my DH did. 6 months out and I have to tell you I don't know if I can get over the deception. In counseling and I thought I coukd initially--but I get more disgusted the more time goes by and I guess as the initial shock has worn off. Something I never would have expected.

I have always thought cheaters were some of the most despicable people on the planet---and weak, very weak. It completely changes the way I look at somebody who I used to think was the most honest person I'd ever met. I valued his integrity. With this revelation ---I am thrown way off. Now I look with disgust, mistrust, and lots of pent up passive aggressiveness.

Maybe counseling will work. Willing to try--but still just--yuck.

Pp here. I am impressed that you are willing to try. That is very big if you. I am not sure that my DH will be.

Regarding "cheaters" just be aware that we are human as well. Yes, we made terrible decisions that make us weak. But seriously, if I could cheat, which is a huge shock to my system and something I always sowed up and down that I would not do, then anybody is vulnerable. You may not believe it, but I am here to tell you that it is true. Just something to think about as you move forward. Wishing you luck with whatever you decide.

I have never cheated, and don't think I ever would, but I think people are much too hard on cheaters here sometime. It is a bad and unjustifiable thing to do. But decent people sometimes do bad things, and under sufficient strain I think a lot of people might make that bad choice. Many people who have remained faithful to their spouse have never truly been tested, and should temper their judgment to some extent.

As someone who is in a loving and trusting marriage I could not agree more.

[Anonymous]

My answer to OP: HELL NO!

That's why I'm not married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always used to judge people who had affairs - you have made your vows, etc... but two decades into a relationship that has lost any love or affection and consists of at best cold cooperation and at worst bitter resentment, in a job you despise and no social life, you become dead inside. Perhaps people just want to feel something again, to feel alive and wanted.

OMG! So very true!!

Also agree. they dynamics of a marriage today or very different from 40-50 years ago. I died inside, am going back to school, making new contacts and friends, and feel something again.

[Anonymous]

DW here. Husband is "connected" to his IPhone 6.

[Anonymous]

DH here. Can't sleep, separated and going through divorce. Mid 50s, Children out of the house. I should be shouting from the rooftops but I am just feel lonely and awful. I have lost many friends and relationships over the years while spiraling down in this marriage. Did not maintain contact, just trying to get through the day with work to pay the bills. And now I can count my good friends on one hand. My DW has been in her own world for so long I worry about her. But she makes no effort. She has her own demons that I helped, I really did but she ultimately didnt want help. Drinking those demons was better to her than working on a marriage.

For those that have been thru this, help me see the light at the end of the tunnel? do you make meaningful friends again that you love and who would have your back? have you found a partner that gives you the butterflies in the stomach and nervousness in your mind that feels so right, that you love like you loved when you were younger? or is that hope gone forever. It sure feels like it right now.

And then watching all the happy acquaintances on facebook is unbearable. I feel stupid. I feel like a failure.


And then one day
you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run,
you missed the starting gun.

[Anonymous]

PP, first don't look at FB. Ever. It's not helpful and no one posts the bad stuff...it's just not reality. Second, you need to grieve the loss of this relationship and move on from it/learn from it before you can have another healthy relationship. Get counseling, or buy some books on Amazon and a notebook and start journaling. Write down your dreams, fears, regrets, goals. Yes you can absolutely meet someone who gives you butterflies and have a healthy relationship, but you have to heal from this one first. I know it's hard and painful, but don't give up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

[Anonymous]

Sorry PP to hear about your divorce - from my own divorce/ and remarriage -my advice is (1) find a good shrink to do 12 sessions or so (worth every penny) to address some of the issues you are going through; (2) stay busy - do clubs/activities/hobbies so you are around other people - try joining meetup for running, buy a bicycle and join a cycling club, take a cooking class, join a writers group, etc); (3) practice self-care - get enough sleep, rest, etc....

When you start to feel good about yourself/your life again (after you have processed everything) I promise you will attract the right people to your life and get the butterflies again... it will happen... but it may take a few years to do the above first.....