Would you date someone who lost A LOT of weight?

[Anonymous]

9:30 here - also, maybe you should keep a couple pics around your place of you (with friends) when you were heavier. That way any guy who comes over after a few dates will see the pics and you can gauge right then, before you get more serious, if he's going to have issues with this.

[bobsmith]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 20's and lost 80 lbs and have about 30 more to lose to be in the normal range. I lost the 80 lbs in just 7 months and hope to lose the last 30 by June. I've held off on dating because I just wasn't comfortable with myself at all and also because I had been in a long term, emotionally abusive relationship with a guy who constantly called me fat, a cow, etc. and I just was so torn down that the thought of dating a guy again scared me.

I'm finally getting to a place where I feel like I may be ready but I don't know. I've had a great support system through my journey but a high school guy friend of mine told me that he'd be hesitant to date someone who lost a ton of weight because he feels like they'd eventually go back to being heavy. I'm wondering if other guys feel that way too? I also don't know if I would even want to tell a guy that I lost a lot of weight because I'm truly embarrassed I ever was that big and just don't know if I'd want new people to know that I was ever obese. So guys, what are your thoughts on this? Also, if you were dating someone, would you want to know if they had lost a ton of weight?

yes! i would absolutely date someone who had lost a lot of weight, and i would be proud of them for reaching a difficult goal. it would, however, be important to understand their body image issues (and we all have those!) so you can provide a supportive environment for them.

[Anonymous]

I think it is absolutely something that you share with them when the time is right. Like you don't necessarily need to bring it up on the first date, but it's a part of your past and frankly, we all have issues in our past that we need to share with our potential partners. I hope that you will find it cathartic, but also have a sense of pride for how far you have come. Life is about growth and positive momentum and you have made such great strides towards those in such a short amount of time. Any man that doesn't see the value in that isn't worth your time, so you are better off sharing sooner rather than later!! Good luck and congratulations - you sound awesome!

[Anonymous]

First congratulations on the weight loss and doing it by adjusting your eating habits. Long term maintenance is hard and only works when you make changes in your life style and life habits, which it sounds like you have. The old maxim is that only 5% of those who have lost a significant amount of weight keep it off for 5 years. But those who have the most success are the ones who make the life style and eating changes and maintain them.

And just know that there are many who will overlook the "old you" and see who you really are. My wife comes from an obese family. She was heave in middle school and by early college she was obese much like her family. When I met her, she had lost around 100 pounds and looked fantastic. About a year later I realized that she was the ex-wife of a former co-worker of mine and that we had met before when she was large. I had no idea that it was the same person I had met several years earlier. We were quite proud when she celebrated her "5 years" and only gained back 5-10 lbs. Now 12 years married and 15 years later, she did gain a little more back (largely due to surgeries and medications) but has still kept over 80 lbs off from her pre-loss weight. It doesn't matter, I love her dearly and I support her goal of keeping her weight down (I really don't care about her size, but I support her because it's important to her). As I do the majority of the cooking, over the last 10+ years, I've had to adapt my cooking to help her achieve her maintenance goals.

However, the one caveat that I urge you to think about, is that like one of the PPs, you need to work on your self-esteem. Learn to accept who you were and what you've become. Your past is not something to be ashamed of. You should rightfully take pride in what you've achieved and how far you've come, but not because your old self was embarrassing or demeaning, because you made a positive change in your life. Everyone has some part of themselves that they can improve and you did that. Also, my wife has used recognition of her former weight as a focus for helping her keep to the eating changes that we've made over the years.

Good luck. I am rooting for you and hope you can find someone who will accept and love you for who you are. There are a lot of guys out there who will support you. You just have to find them.

[Anonymous]

Why would someone not date you for having lost a lot of weight?

Now, while I'm not attracted to obese, I've never felt the need to insult someone for their size. Most of the women I've dated have run the gamut, from thin to some extra meat.

Besides, I'm unsure that "you once-fat bitch" qualifies as an insult.

[Anonymous]

An interesting question, OP. I have also lost a lot of weight (150+ lbs), and while I am married (lost the weight while married), I've wondered how I would approach the issue if I ever had to be in the dating scene again.

I think it's probably very particular to the people in the relationship, but I think the primary things my husband has had to adjust to given my weight loss are that 1) I necessarily pay far closer attention to what and how much I eat than I used to, and b) I need to make time in our lives for me to exercise. My approach to eating ISN'T easy-going or natural, because for me, easy-going and natural would lead to regaining. I think that's something that a partner in a serious relationship needs to know, understand, and be willing to accept. I love 11:35's post, and mention of how he's adapted his cooking style to help his wife achieve her maintenance goals. I do all the cooking in my house, but my husband has been supportive in similar ways. For instance, we still go out to eat once or twice a week, but we choose restaurants where we know there will be some reasonable options for me on the menu.

I also agree with PPs that I hope in time your pride about losing the weight will also translate into not feeling ashamed about previously being much heavier. You have done an AMAZING job in transforming your weight and your health. You have shed the pounds, and you can shed the shame, too. You weren't a bad person when you were obese. You were a great friend/daughter/employee/etc., and kind and generous or playful and fun or whatever. You were simply overweight, and probably didn't see as much value in yourself as you should have. Look at the old photos of yourself and see the value in that person; she is no less valuable than the woman you are now, she just didn't like herself as much. I understand that you never want to go back to being overweight (I think it myself every.single.day), but please don't feel shame. You should be EXTREMELY proud that you've had the courage and strength and dedication to lose the weight, and I wouldn't hesitate to share it with anyone, ever.