Told ad want divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect us to have sympathy for you when you have none for your wife? Seriously?

Damn. Grow up and get some self awareness and emotional maturity. If you get a divorce I'm sure it's the best thing that could happen to your wife.

Oh FFS she's verbally abusive, lies and cheats, according to OP. I cannot fathom where this vitriol is coming from.
Best of luck to you, OP.

The vitriol comes from his self description that his wife lives in a "fantasy land" because she is upset about living far away from friends and family.

That's not a fantasy land, that's a valid complaint and cause for marital strain. It is at least worth some empathy from the OP, NOT the gas lighting response that he's given.

Counselling only works if you do the work ON YOURSELF. going is not enough. The fact that OP refers to a fantasy land about a valid concern indicates to me he was just punching a card when going to counselling.

Clearly his mind is made up. He's only coming here to gain supporters so he can solidify to his wife that he is "right". He just needs to move along and stop being a dick.

I am the OP. My wife and I have been through two rounds of counseling. The first second round was three years ago. The entire time of the counseling, when she would try to blame me for her decisions, the counselor gently told her she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She needs to understand she can only control herself and her actions, not me or my actions. She walked out of the counseling and said she will not go back. I have been seeing a therapist separately now b/c I need to: a) learn to cope with and respond to my wife's anger and the inappropriate ways she expresses that anger.

When she lashes out violently or is verbally abusive, she uses the line that she would not behave this way if I "did not make her angry." This is the classic response of an abuser. It is there in all the literature. As to her cheating, she blames me for being "emotionally unavailable to her." I am sorry dear, but you made the decision to cheat, not me. And perhaps I would have been more "emotionally available" had you not been consistentl tearing me down every minute of every day.

I also need to make an exit plan and to ensure my kids are looked after both emotionally and physically. This is very very hard.

I am sorry that my DW has no friends or family nearby. It is partially of her own making.

I totally buy this. Yes, you are perfect, an absolute angel, and your wife is an absolute monster. Thats plausible, and doesnt serve your agenda AT ALL. May I ask you why you married her then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect us to have sympathy for you when you have none for your wife? Seriously?

Damn. Grow up and get some self awareness and emotional maturity. If you get a divorce I'm sure it's the best thing that could happen to your wife.

Oh FFS she's verbally abusive, lies and cheats, according to OP. I cannot fathom where this vitriol is coming from.
Best of luck to you, OP.

The vitriol comes from his self description that his wife lives in a "fantasy land" because she is upset about living far away from friends and family.

That's not a fantasy land, that's a valid complaint and cause for marital strain. It is at least worth some empathy from the OP, NOT the gas lighting response that he's given.

Counselling only works if you do the work ON YOURSELF. going is not enough. The fact that OP refers to a fantasy land about a valid concern indicates to me he was just punching a card when going to counselling.

Clearly his mind is made up. He's only coming here to gain supporters so he can solidify to his wife that he is "right". He just needs to move along and stop being a dick.

I am the OP. My wife and I have been through two rounds of counseling. The first second round was three years ago. The entire time of the counseling, when she would try to blame me for her decisions, the counselor gently told her she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She needs to understand she can only control herself and her actions, not me or my actions. She walked out of the counseling and said she will not go back. I have been seeing a therapist separately now b/c I need to: a) learn to cope with and respond to my wife's anger and the inappropriate ways she expresses that anger.

When she lashes out violently or is verbally abusive, she uses the line that she would not behave this way if I "did not make her angry." This is the classic response of an abuser. It is there in all the literature. As to her cheating, she blames me for being "emotionally unavailable to her." I am sorry dear, but you made the decision to cheat, not me. And perhaps I would have been more "emotionally available" had you not been consistentl tearing me down every minute of every day.

I also need to make an exit plan and to ensure my kids are looked after both emotionally and physically. This is very very hard.

I am sorry that my DW has no friends or family nearby. It is partially of her own making.

I totally buy this. Yes, you are perfect, an absolute angel, and your wife is an absolute monster. Thats plausible, and doesnt serve your agenda AT ALL. May I ask you why you married her then?

Alternate OP her (let's call me OOP)

I chose her because she was willing to leave home to further our relationship, and show solidarity with me, as it would further my career. I gave her a timeline that was totally a farce, but served what I needed to do. I love my job and have lots of dinners, commitments and activities that I must attend to.

So one night while I took my young female assistant to dinner, I found out that my wife went for dinner with the neighbour. Can you imagine? Cheating on me? Just because I had not been home a single evening in weeks, she went for dinner with another man? I was on a work event!! Then, when I got home, my wife berated me for taking the 6th work dinner this week and told me that she had been for dinner with the neighbour. Lying, cheating slut. She had told me she was home with out children!

We've been to counselling twice but all she does it bit h about the fact that we left the west coast with two young children and that I'm never home, I have things to do, you know? Why can't she just run the house like she I supposed to? So what if I take my assistant to dinner,,,,that is work!! She only has 2 kids to watch. She ovule get a job between 9am and 2 if she really wanted to get out of the house, stupid woman, but I don't even seeing her try. All I see her doing is talking to the man down the street who takes his kinds to the park at noon.

So I have to work long hours? All she has to do is watch the house. She just complains so much!

[Anonymous]

None of the above PP. I do love my job and I do have to gladhand and network on occasion, but I am always there for my kids. DW has simply lost it mentally and emotionally. She needs therapy and will not get it. She has sought to fill the enormous emotional holes in her life with extramarital affairs. I long ago told her that I realize that this is why she does it and needs help, and even told her they do not bother me so much, but the abuse of me combined with her lying and cheating put me over the edge. You can sit there in judgement of me all you want, but I have been about as compassionate as I can be under the circumstances. It is time to split. I harbor no illusions that this will be amicable, as she has an overinflated sense of entitlement. I want a custoday arrangment that is in the best interest of my children and a financial arrangement that let's me move on with my life and provide for my children's future. That is all. If she ends up alone, I am sorry for that but it is time I started to look out for my own health and interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect us to have sympathy for you when you have none for your wife? Seriously?

Damn. Grow up and get some self awareness and emotional maturity. If you get a divorce I'm sure it's the best thing that could happen to your wife.

Oh FFS she's verbally abusive, lies and cheats, according to OP. I cannot fathom where this vitriol is coming from.
Best of luck to you, OP.

The vitriol comes from his self description that his wife lives in a "fantasy land" because she is upset about living far away from friends and family.

That's not a fantasy land, that's a valid complaint and cause for marital strain. It is at least worth some empathy from the OP, NOT the gas lighting response that he's given.

Counselling only works if you do the work ON YOURSELF. going is not enough. The fact that OP refers to a fantasy land about a valid concern indicates to me he was just punching a card when going to counselling.

Clearly his mind is made up. He's only coming here to gain supporters so he can solidify to his wife that he is "right". He just needs to move along and stop being a dick.

I am the OP. My wife and I have been through two rounds of counseling. The first second round was three years ago. The entire time of the counseling, when she would try to blame me for her decisions, the counselor gently told her she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She needs to understand she can only control herself and her actions, not me or my actions. She walked out of the counseling and said she will not go back. I have been seeing a therapist separately now b/c I need to: a) learn to cope with and respond to my wife's anger and the inappropriate ways she expresses that anger.

When she lashes out violently or is verbally abusive, she uses the line that she would not behave this way if I "did not make her angry." This is the classic response of an abuser. It is there in all the literature. As to her cheating, she blames me for being "emotionally unavailable to her." I am sorry dear, but you made the decision to cheat, not me. And perhaps I would have been more "emotionally available" had you not been consistentl tearing me down every minute of every day.

I also need to make an exit plan and to ensure my kids are looked after both emotionally and physically. This is very very hard.

I am sorry that my DW has no friends or family nearby. It is partially of her own making.

I totally buy this. Yes, you are perfect, an absolute angel, and your wife is an absolute monster. Thats plausible, and doesnt serve your agenda AT ALL. May I ask you why you married her then?

Alternate OP her (let's call me OOP)

I chose her because she was willing to leave home to further our relationship, and show solidarity with me, as it would further my career. I gave her a timeline that was totally a farce, but served what I needed to do. I love my job and have lots of dinners, commitments and activities that I must attend to.

So one night while I took my young female assistant to dinner, I found out that my wife went for dinner with the neighbour. Can you imagine? Cheating on me? Just because I had not been home a single evening in weeks, she went for dinner with another man? I was on a work event!! Then, when I got home, my wife berated me for taking the 6th work dinner this week and told me that she had been for dinner with the neighbour. Lying, cheating slut. She had told me she was home with out children!

We've been to counselling twice but all she does it bit h about the fact that we left the west coast with two young children and that I'm never home, I have things to do, you know? Why can't she just run the house like she I supposed to? So what if I take my assistant to dinner,,,,that is work!! She only has 2 kids to watch. She ovule get a job between 9am and 2 if she really wanted to get out of the house, stupid woman, but I don't even seeing her try. All I see her doing is talking to the man down the street who takes his kinds to the park at noon.

So I have to work long hours? All she has to do is watch the house. She just complains so much!

This sounds like my situation. Very close. And let me assure you, when we went to the marriage counselor, she TOTALLY ooh my side and downright berated my DW for her horrid behavior. Sure, she called me a horrible man, but she told me wife to to her face, "I dont understand how you live with this," clearly implying that DW needs to straighten her life out. She can recognize me for what I truly am: a sad victim in the evil mission of my wife to ruin my life. If only my wife could have the same level of self awareness and commitment to our marriage as I do, I KNOW things would work out perfectly. Sadly, she's a selfish cow who will do no such thing, and seems to think only of herself. I mean, not being plugged into and GRATEFUL for a marriage to me?! What's wrong with her?

[Anonymous]

None of the above PP. I do love my job and I do have to gladhand and network on occasion, but I am always there for my kids. DW has simply lost it mentally and emotionally. She needs therapy and will not get it. She has sought to fill the enormous emotional holes in her life with extramarital affairs. I long ago told her that I realize that this is why she does it and needs help, and even told her they do not bother me so much, but the abuse of me combined with her lying and cheating put me over the edge. You can sit there in judgement of me all you want, but I have been about as compassionate as I can be under the circumstances. It is time to split. I harbor no illusions that this will be amicable, as she has an overinflated sense of entitlement. I want a custoday arrangment that is in the best interest of my children and a financial arrangement that let's me move on with my life and provide for my children's future. That is all. If she ends up alone, I am sorry for that but it is time I started to look out for my own health and interests.

NP here. If you want to get divorced, get divorced.

But if you want to truly move on with your life, you need to take responsibility for whatever you did to destroy the relationship. All of your posts here are full of blaming here, and not a word that you have ever done anything to contribute to the end of your marriage. I guarantee that you did. You may think that your actions pale in comparison to hers, but you share fault in this and if you ever want to be healthy, you need to own your faults. You say you have been compassionate, but you show none of that here. All you show here is a strange attachment to being seen as a victim and making sure the world knows your wife is evil and abusive.

I speak from experience. I only got healthy once I owned my role in my dysfunctional relationship. If you ever want another relationship, you will need to close this one and accept there are four sides to every story and being focussed on your victimhood is limiting to every relationship you have or will have, including the ones you have with your children.

[Anonymous]

OP here. If anything, I have been an enabler of my DW's behavior. Rather than risk a scene or a verbal thrashing from her, I have allowed her and her threats of bad behavior to control my actions, Rather than standing up to her, I have walked around on egg shells and not allowed my own voice to speak. Not that it would be heard over the din of screaming. At the same time, on those occasions that i have stood up to her, it seems only to make things worse. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that I have done to deserve how she treats me. Even my parents, who say there are two sides to every story, would not believe what I go through until they saw it with their own eyes and finally, it took a complete stranger who stepped in (like in one of those John Quinones videos) when my DW was being abusive in public for me to finally wake up.

No, my DW sadly suffers from some mental illness. She will not seek help. It is time for me to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect us to have sympathy for you when you have none for your wife? Seriously?

Damn. Grow up and get some self awareness and emotional maturity. If you get a divorce I'm sure it's the best thing that could happen to your wife.

Oh FFS she's verbally abusive, lies and cheats, according to OP. I cannot fathom where this vitriol is coming from.
Best of luck to you, OP.

The vitriol comes from his self description that his wife lives in a "fantasy land" because she is upset about living far away from friends and family.

That's not a fantasy land, that's a valid complaint and cause for marital strain. It is at least worth some empathy from the OP, NOT the gas lighting response that he's given.

Counselling only works if you do the work ON YOURSELF. going is not enough. The fact that OP refers to a fantasy land about a valid concern indicates to me he was just punching a card when going to counselling.

Clearly his mind is made up. He's only coming here to gain supporters so he can solidify to his wife that he is "right". He just needs to move along and stop being a dick.

I am the OP. My wife and I have been through two rounds of counseling. The first second round was three years ago. The entire time of the counseling, when she would try to blame me for her decisions, the counselor gently told her she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She needs to understand she can only control herself and her actions, not me or my actions. She walked out of the counseling and said she will not go back. I have been seeing a therapist separately now b/c I need to: a) learn to cope with and respond to my wife's anger and the inappropriate ways she expresses that anger.

When she lashes out violently or is verbally abusive, she uses the line that she would not behave this way if I "did not make her angry." This is the classic response of an abuser. It is there in all the literature. As to her cheating, she blames me for being "emotionally unavailable to her." I am sorry dear, but you made the decision to cheat, not me. And perhaps I would have been more "emotionally available" had you not been consistentl tearing me down every minute of every day.

I also need to make an exit plan and to ensure my kids are looked after both emotionally and physically. This is very very hard.

I am sorry that my DW has no friends or family nearby. It is partially of her own making.

Is this a troll. The first mention of cheating came from one of these PPs as far as I can tell skimming through posts. Then OP went rolled with the cheating theme. Something doesn't add up. This reminds me of one of the trolls here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect us to have sympathy for you when you have none for your wife? Seriously?

Damn. Grow up and get some self awareness and emotional maturity. If you get a divorce I'm sure it's the best thing that could happen to your wife.

Oh FFS she's verbally abusive, lies and cheats, according to OP. I cannot fathom where this vitriol is coming from.
Best of luck to you, OP.

The vitriol comes from his self description that his wife lives in a "fantasy land" because she is upset about living far away from friends and family.

That's not a fantasy land, that's a valid complaint and cause for marital strain. It is at least worth some empathy from the OP, NOT the gas lighting response that he's given.

Counselling only works if you do the work ON YOURSELF. going is not enough. The fact that OP refers to a fantasy land about a valid concern indicates to me he was just punching a card when going to counselling.

Clearly his mind is made up. He's only coming here to gain supporters so he can solidify to his wife that he is "right". He just needs to move along and stop being a dick.

I am the OP. My wife and I have been through two rounds of counseling. The first second round was three years ago. The entire time of the counseling, when she would try to blame me for her decisions, the counselor gently told her she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She needs to understand she can only control herself and her actions, not me or my actions. She walked out of the counseling and said she will not go back. I have been seeing a therapist separately now b/c I need to: a) learn to cope with and respond to my wife's anger and the inappropriate ways she expresses that anger.

When she lashes out violently or is verbally abusive, she uses the line that she would not behave this way if I "did not make her angry." This is the classic response of an abuser. It is there in all the literature. As to her cheating, she blames me for being "emotionally unavailable to her." I am sorry dear, but you made the decision to cheat, not me. And perhaps I would have been more "emotionally available" had you not been consistentl tearing me down every minute of every day.

I also need to make an exit plan and to ensure my kids are looked after both emotionally and physically. This is very very hard.

I am sorry that my DW has no friends or family nearby. It is partially of her own making.

Is this a troll. The first mention of cheating came from one of these PPs as far as I can tell skimming through posts. Then OP went rolled with the cheating theme. Something doesn't add up. This reminds me of one of the trolls here.

It is a troll. This is the DCUM's friendly misogynist troll, who keeps very regular hours and always come on right around this time. You can see a lot his handiwork on the "affection less and loveless marriage" thread where he was called out multiple times and by several posters for pretending to be different posters. You can tell his handiwork because he will always assume several identities, all confirming and agreeing with one of his other posts, all at a similar time, and all in seeming opposition to the majority of other posters who disagree with him. Learn how he speaks, it's a very particular tone that is instantly identifiable once you've got it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stronger party requires empathy and effort , which will be thankless. These moments define your character and the trajectory of your life.

NP, and thanks for this post. Otherwise sorry I spent time reading this thread - but in my own maybe-headed-toward-divorce situation, this post reminded me of the approach I need to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect us to have sympathy for you when you have none for your wife? Seriously?

Damn. Grow up and get some self awareness and emotional maturity. If you get a divorce I'm sure it's the best thing that could happen to your wife.

Oh FFS she's verbally abusive, lies and cheats, according to OP. I cannot fathom where this vitriol is coming from.
Best of luck to you, OP.

The vitriol comes from his self description that his wife lives in a "fantasy land" because she is upset about living far away from friends and family.

That's not a fantasy land, that's a valid complaint and cause for marital strain. It is at least worth some empathy from the OP, NOT the gas lighting response that he's given.

Counselling only works if you do the work ON YOURSELF. going is not enough. The fact that OP refers to a fantasy land about a valid concern indicates to me he was just punching a card when going to counselling.

Clearly his mind is made up. He's only coming here to gain supporters so he can solidify to his wife that he is "right". He just needs to move along and stop being a dick.

I am the OP. My wife and I have been through two rounds of counseling. The first second round was three years ago. The entire time of the counseling, when she would try to blame me for her decisions, the counselor gently told her she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She needs to understand she can only control herself and her actions, not me or my actions. She walked out of the counseling and said she will not go back. I have been seeing a therapist separately now b/c I need to: a) learn to cope with and respond to my wife's anger and the inappropriate ways she expresses that anger.

When she lashes out violently or is verbally abusive, she uses the line that she would not behave this way if I "did not make her angry." This is the classic response of an abuser. It is there in all the literature. As to her cheating, she blames me for being "emotionally unavailable to her." I am sorry dear, but you made the decision to cheat, not me. And perhaps I would have been more "emotionally available" had you not been consistentl tearing me down every minute of every day.

I also need to make an exit plan and to ensure my kids are looked after both emotionally and physically. This is very very hard.

I am sorry that my DW has no friends or family nearby. It is partially of her own making.

Is this a troll. The first mention of cheating came from one of these PPs as far as I can tell skimming through posts. Then OP went rolled with the cheating theme. Something doesn't add up. This reminds me of one of the trolls here.

It is a troll. This is the DCUM's friendly misogynist troll, who keeps very regular hours and always come on right around this time. You can see a lot his handiwork on the "affection less and loveless marriage" thread where he was called out multiple times and by several posters for pretending to be different posters. You can tell his handiwork because he will always assume several identities, all confirming and agreeing with one of his other posts, all at a similar time, and all in seeming opposition to the majority of other posters who disagree with him. Learn how he speaks, it's a very particular tone that is instantly identifiable once you've got it down.

I guess this PP works for the CIA or FBI as a "voice profiler." She can instantly identify a poster by the "time" s/he comes around, knows her several aliases. The above PP is an idiot. I am the OP and am not a troll and have not posted to the "loveless marriage thread." In any case, I am out here as DCUM is obviously biased and of no help with my issues.

[Anonymous]

Def a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

None of the above PP. I do love my job and I do have to gladhand and network on occasion, but I am always there for my kids. DW has simply lost it mentally and emotionally. She needs therapy and will not get it. She has sought to fill the enormous emotional holes in her life with extramarital affairs. I long ago told her that I realize that this is why she does it and needs help, and even told her they do not bother me so much, but the abuse of me combined with her lying and cheating put me over the edge. You can sit there in judgement of me all you want, but I have been about as compassionate as I can be under the circumstances. It is time to split. I harbor no illusions that this will be amicable, as she has an overinflated sense of entitlement. I want a custoday arrangment that is in the best interest of my children and a financial arrangement that let's me move on with my life and provide for my children's future. That is all. If she ends up alone, I am sorry for that but it is time I started to look out for my own health and interests.

NP here. If you want to get divorced, get divorced.

But if you want to truly move on with your life, you need to take responsibility for whatever you did to destroy the relationship. All of your posts here are full of blaming here, and not a word that you have ever done anything to contribute to the end of your marriage. I guarantee that you did. You may think that your actions pale in comparison to hers, but you share fault in this and if you ever want to be healthy, you need to own your faults. You say you have been compassionate, but you show none of that here. All you show here is a strange attachment to being seen as a victim and making sure the world knows your wife is evil and abusive.

I speak from experience. I only got healthy once I owned my role in my dysfunctional relationship. If you ever want another relationship, you will need to close this one and accept there are four sides to every story and being focussed on your victimhood is limiting to every relationship you have or will have, including the ones you have with your children.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think two counselling sessions will fix things, you're wrong. If you have years of unhealthy communication, two hours fixes nothing.

Divorce is only inevitable if that's your mind set.

And are you even hearing her or helping her with her feelings of isolation. It's not a fantasy land to feel loss over being away from friends and family.

Sounds to me like she should be happy to be rid of you as your heart is set on that anyway

Truer words have never been spoken.

[Anonymous]

Ummmm, OK. He wasn't really a bad guy and she really could've worked things out. I mean everybody hits sometimes.