Advice - Friends trying to discipline my ASD child

[Anonymous]

OP has every right to speak up but she should be aware that her "close group of friends who act as family" may begin to unravel.

She stated that the Perfect Parents also annoy other parents as well, yet the other parents remain part of the "close group of friends."

It might be time for the OP to move on. The host parent was even afraid to tell the OP about the incident with her daughter, fearing that the OP would be upset.

[Anonymous]

I have been known to discipline a friend's child in the past. I've done it because I have noticed that the parents either don't see what their child is doing or they are intentionally ignoring the behavior. I think it is both. So, I will say something to that child. However, the last time I did it, I made a mental note that I will never do it again. I just am not going to be close to them, anymore.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, my sister has gone through this before. Unfortunately a lot of people think she doesn't discipline her son because hes special needs and she thinks that gives him a pass. In reality, she just disciplines him quietly and in private because otherwise he acts up on the attention he's getting for doing something bad.

He's also been used as a scapegoat by other kids and I know that pisses my sister off to no end. I suspect that's part of what's pissing you off.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should dump these people. When I saw the title of this thread, I thought, oh yeah, another person who doesn't discipline their unruly kid who gets offended when someone else steps in. But your post was nothing like that! These people had the nerve to discipline your kid without asking you and then they didn't bother to tell you what they had done afterwards. I would have been livid!

Seriously, ASD is irrelevant. dump them.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I would say anything to the "perfect" parents, you won't change them.

I am a very assertive person so it is not like me to walk away from a confrontation. But what is done is done. If I were there, I would have made a comment like, "well you didn't handle that very well".

I have been in this situation with a friend and 2 family members on many occasions.

I have had many conversations with my son (who has ADHD, anxieties, OCD) that other people (parents of friends, neighbors, uncles, teachers) are going to overstep their bounds sometimes and I have given him ways of dealing or simply tell him to walk away and find me or just get away.

I tell him people are not perfect (nor are we) but we are going to practice what we preach and be kind and walk away. Also, if the relationship becomes too stressful (toxic) we will cut ties.

This is a good life lesson, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

OP- don't dump your friend. Say something diplomatic if it comes up again. Your friend wasn't in the "right" we all agree on that. but don't throw away good friends because one couple has a character flaw. As you say. these are people that you are close to- you don't have family in the area.

[Anonymous]

You only have a few choices here:

1. Say nothing, be a doormat, and have your kid picked on by Perfect Parents.

2. Confront Perfect Parents. They will listen or not -- but at least you did right by your child.

3. Stop showing up where they are. Let them Go. Have parties -- and don't invite them. Set up playdates -- and don't invite them. Probably everybody in your group would like to be without the Alpha Dogs running the show.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who suggesting showing appreciation for their intent to be helpful even though it wasn't. I don't understand people's responses to dump these people. Yeah, they sound like jerks in certain situations but they also sound rooted in the same social group. We all live with things we don't like in our friends. OP says she doesn't like confrontation. It's just being diplomatic to soften the message "don't ever discipline my child again," by seeking understanding, not putting them on the defensive, and explaining why people like to discipline their own children. Maybe it hasn't occurred to these people. If OP doesn't say anything, it will happen again with these people. But if she educates them it might not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who suggesting showing appreciation for their intent to be helpful even though it wasn't. I don't understand people's responses to dump these people. Yeah, they sound like jerks in certain situations but they also sound rooted in the same social group. We all live with things we don't like in our friends. OP says she doesn't like confrontation. It's just being diplomatic to soften the message "don't ever discipline my child again," by seeking understanding, not putting them on the defensive, and explaining why people like to discipline their own children. Maybe it hasn't occurred to these people. If OP doesn't say anything, it will happen again with these people. But if she educates them it might not.

OP has a daughter to protect and defend. She should be so desperate for friends that she lets her child be dumped on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who suggesting showing appreciation for their intent to be helpful even though it wasn't. I don't understand people's responses to dump these people. Yeah, they sound like jerks in certain situations but they also sound rooted in the same social group. We all live with things we don't like in our friends. OP says she doesn't like confrontation. It's just being diplomatic to soften the message "don't ever discipline my child again," by seeking understanding, not putting them on the defensive, and explaining why people like to discipline their own children. Maybe it hasn't occurred to these people. If OP doesn't say anything, it will happen again with these people. But if she educates them it might not.

There is a middle course here, which i think most of us are recommending, which is not dumping the friends but just being direct in telling them not to do this. Its an important lifeskill, learning how to tell people what you need and want. Its not necessarily a confrontation. In the best of all worlds, people will appreciate being told rather than have you hold it in. I wouldn't expect that here, but its really not a complicated situation. Perfect parents did X. X is unwelcome. OP communicates this simple fact to perfect parents. Thats it.

I agree that dumping the friends isn't going to happen if they are part of a larger friend group. But giving these people some kind of long explanation sends the message that if the girl didn't have an ASD, if things were just a bit different, what they did would have been fine. But it wouldn't have been fine. I have a child with an ASD. That child is his own person and it is not for me to talk people up about the details of his upbringing. That is none of their business and in this case would just open OP up to more invasiveness -- questioning, second guessing. Then she would have to defend her points. Forget it!

"Please do not discipline my child. If there is a problem come to me, I will take care of it. I don't want you to take care of it." Boom. Notice that this doesn't characterize their intentions or actions in any way, it just convey very directly what should be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who suggesting showing appreciation for their intent to be helpful even though it wasn't. I don't understand people's responses to dump these people. Yeah, they sound like jerks in certain situations but they also sound rooted in the same social group. We all live with things we don't like in our friends. OP says she doesn't like confrontation. It's just being diplomatic to soften the message "don't ever discipline my child again," by seeking understanding, not putting them on the defensive, and explaining why people like to discipline their own children. Maybe it hasn't occurred to these people. If OP doesn't say anything, it will happen again with these people. But if she educates them it might not.

There is a middle course here, which i think most of us are recommending, which is not dumping the friends but just being direct in telling them not to do this. Its an important lifeskill, learning how to tell people what you need and want. Its not necessarily a confrontation. In the best of all worlds, people will appreciate being told rather than have you hold it in. I wouldn't expect that here, but its really not a complicated situation. Perfect parents did X. X is unwelcome. OP communicates this simple fact to perfect parents. Thats it.

I agree that dumping the friends isn't going to happen if they are part of a larger friend group. But giving these people some kind of long explanation sends the message that if the girl didn't have an ASD, if things were just a bit different, what they did would have been fine. But it wouldn't have been fine. I have a child with an ASD. That child is his own person and it is not for me to talk people up about the details of his upbringing. That is none of their business and in this case would just open OP up to more invasiveness -- questioning, second guessing. Then she would have to defend her points. Forget it!

"Please do not discipline my child. If there is a problem come to me, I will take care of it. I don't want you to take care of it." Boom. Notice that this doesn't characterize their intentions or actions in any way, it just convey very directly what should be done.

I like the second response - don't advocate touchy feely and not a fan of dumping friends. We all need friends and people close by that we can count on. Also need to protect our kids and stand up for them and ourselves . It's possible to do both.

[Anonymous]

So if your kid does something like this, you don't think he or she should apologize?

See that's pretty much the problem and your friend was just fed up. If she spends lots of time with you, she figured out your child was well fully capable of apologizing and as a matter of fact she did.

Maybe your kid does have ASD and your kid is an out of control brat at the same time. It happens.

[Anonymous]

But PP, we don't even know that the kid did the infraction. Perfect friend is assuming that.

[Anonymous]

I like the second response - don't advocate touchy feely and not a fan of dumping friends. We all need friends and people close by that we can count on. Also need to protect our kids and stand up for them and ourselves . It's possible to do both.

I don't think people are advocating ending the friendship because the friend corrected her kid. I think people are suggesting it because OP portrays them as judggy people ("Perfect mom" and "Perfect dad") who think they are better parents than others, and doesn't convey much positive about them.

[Anonymous]

My two cents:

1) Sorry you are conflict-averse. But sometimes protecting your child means sucking it up and doing things that are uncomfortable. This is such a case.

2) There are two issues here; one is your child being subjected to disciplinary methods that might not be appropriate for them, the other is other parents intervening without telling you.

3) Normally I would agree you don't need to explain or justify, just decide and take action. However in this case I do think some explanation might help you because you need to deal with both issues.

4) Re the principle of the other parents intervening without your consent, you need to be clear with them that they are never to do this again or else you will not allow your child to be with them unattended by you.

5) I do recommend explaining to them that this is important first because it's not their place to be disciplining your child, but also because they are exhibiting the misconception that the disciplinary methods that work for NT kids automatically work with spectrum kids. Yes, we're for accountability, but there are cognitive issues in play here. What sometimes looks to other people like defiance or deliberate misbehavior is often rooted in confusion, and requires instruction rather than punishment. They are assuming that they know what your child needs because they have parented other kids whose brains work in different ways. That assumption is incorrect, and if they are to fully understand your decision they need to understand that. If they want to take a ton of time to educate themselves about these issues and offer you advice based on that, that's one thing, a little presumptuous but not damaging. But for them to take action that affects your child when they don't know what they're doing is way over the line.

6) If, presented with this information, they argue with you, then you can cut immediately to keeping your child away from them. Advise them that as much as you would like their company, you have a responsibility to guide your child's development and that includes employing methods that reflect some understanding of their development and thought processes. NT kids can handle different balances of positive/negative reinforcement. Simply engaging in social transactions is huge work for spectrum kids, and they need a much higher ratio of positive to negative reinforcement if they are to develop their engagement.