Advice - Friends trying to discipline my ASD child

[Anonymous]

This was a very weird thing for them to do.

Suppose a child with classical autism or a child with psychosis or severe anxiety had thrown the tape away because of intense fears or a child who was simply having a bad episode of acting out. Forcing the child to apologize is not appropriate and doesn't deal with the action.

It's like they think it must have been a prank. "Oh, let's put the tape in the toilet, ha ha ha. Wheeee!" They can't imagine a situation in which children act out of fears, anxieties, or psychosis rather than out of misbehavior.

I think you need to speak to them.

I would say something like "Larla and Larlo, Margaret did not put the tape in the toilet. But if she had, we need to deal with it according to her treatment plan."

[Anonymous]

I would say something like "Larla and Larlo, Margaret did not put the tape in the toilet. But if she had, we need to deal with it according to her treatment plan."

I would steer clear of discussing whether the child put the tape in the toilet, since you don't know and it doesn't matter anyway. Just ask them to come get you if an issue arises requiring discipline.

[Anonymous]

And we all usually get along just fine, as do our kids, except for who I will refer to as the Perfect Mom and Perfect Dad. Perfect Mom and Perfect Dad feel they have Perfect Kids because they have been Perfect Parents, and that the rest of us Mere Mortal and Imperfect Parents all could benefit from their Perfect Parenting wisdom and skills.

It doesn't sound like you like them. I would just back off hanging out with them.

[Anonymous]

I think the post above gets at the conflict that sometimes comes with SN parenting and parents who don't live this everyday.

I think judgy parents sometimes think these kids do the behaviors they do because they lack discipline, and disicplining them will get them to stop.

(And yes we don't even think your child did the action in this incident).

As the parent of a SN child who does, unfortunately, engage in inappropriate behaviours, I'm often torn between an intervention that takes into account the antecedent and incorporates an appropriate consequence, and feeling the need/pressure to show other judgy parents I'm on it. Because if I'm not on it, it must be my fault, right???

[Anonymous]

I would ditch the mom. Seriously, sounds like you have to walk on eggshells around her. And I somewhat disagree with the sentiment that this doesn't involve ASD. As the parent of an ASD child, I've seen all to often where the blame gets placed on DS, b/c he was seen to have been holding the tape, was in the house to begin with, etc. It's an easy blame..."must have been him."

[Anonymous]

I think the post above gets at the conflict that sometimes comes with SN parenting and parents who don't live this everyday.

I think judgy parents sometimes think these kids do the behaviors they do because they lack discipline, and disicplining them will get them to stop.

(And yes we don't even think your child did the action in this incident).

As the parent of a SN child who does, unfortunately, engage in inappropriate behaviours, I'm often torn between an intervention that takes into account the antecedent and incorporates an appropriate consequence, and feeling the need/pressure to show other judgy parents I'm on it. Because if I'm not on it, it must be my fault, right???

My point is, if OP feels that these people are judgy and viewing themselves as better than her, she needs to evaluate why she is choosing to spend her time with them. My son has SN (not ASD) and can have trouble behaving appropriately for his age. If I felt that someone was regularly blaming me for his behavior, I would not hang out with them anymore. If people are my real friends, I don't need to "show" them anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the post above gets at the conflict that sometimes comes with SN parenting and parents who don't live this everyday.

I think judgy parents sometimes think these kids do the behaviors they do because they lack discipline, and disicplining them will get them to stop.

(And yes we don't even think your child did the action in this incident).

As the parent of a SN child who does, unfortunately, engage in inappropriate behaviours, I'm often torn between an intervention that takes into account the antecedent and incorporates an appropriate consequence, and feeling the need/pressure to show other judgy parents I'm on it. Because if I'm not on it, it must be my fault, right???

You can be "on it," but still not want to put your child through a kangaroo trial and public humiliation. I can't imagine parents who think that yanking a child in front of a crowd, announcing guilt without investigation, and publicly humiliating the child is an effective form of discipline.

[Anonymous]

You need to get over this reluctance to speak up. Just tell them to never discipline your dd again and do not be defensive or apogetic about it.

[Anonymous]

OP says they do this to all their friends. Agree with the advice to drop them as friends. Who needs that?

[Anonymous]

I would approach it differently. I'd say I appreciate that they are trying to help but you prefer to discipline your child according to the plan you have worked out with the various therapists your daughter is involved with. You can say it's counterproductive when others who don't know her situation and how she best learns to correct her behavior get involved. You can even give an example of a harsh reprimand or even a scolding that has ANY emotion in it sometimes reinforces the negative behavior of a sensitive child, making it more likely to happen in the future (see books by Alan Kazdin, they are great). And that ever since you learned that lesson from the therapists, you prefer that your kids not be disciplined by other parents but that the parents go to you instead so that you can follow through according to plan. You can also say that you are careful not to discipline other people's children for that reason even though sometimes you want to. That shows that you appreciate their desire to be helpful but it kind of shuts the door on them nosing in in the future. You could even write it in an email rather than confront her face to face. If it's kind, she will be more likely to understand and maybe she'll even learn that she doesn't have all the answers. My child did pair up with another kid and throw another girl's sweater in a toilet once, at around age 8-9. We laugh every time that Wheezer song comes on, "Do you want to destroy my sweater?!" We did have our child apologize and pay for it out of his gift from his great-grandmother. But he admitted it after initially lying so it wasn't an ambiguous situation. I wouldn't sweat it too much, OP. Sometimes I think it's good for kids to get boundaries from other parents. The main reason I suggest speaking up is to teach this couple some new concepts so they stop thinking they're so awesome and have the right to correct everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the post above gets at the conflict that sometimes comes with SN parenting and parents who don't live this everyday.

I think judgy parents sometimes think these kids do the behaviors they do because they lack discipline, and disicplining them will get them to stop.

(And yes we don't even think your child did the action in this incident).

As the parent of a SN child who does, unfortunately, engage in inappropriate behaviours, I'm often torn between an intervention that takes into account the antecedent and incorporates an appropriate consequence, and feeling the need/pressure to show other judgy parents I'm on it. Because if I'm not on it, it must be my fault, right???

You can be "on it," but still not want to put your child through a kangaroo trial and public humiliation. I can't imagine parents who think that yanking a child in front of a crowd, announcing guilt without investigation, and publicly humiliating the child is an effective form of discipline.

^this.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to the PP who mentioned the Kazdin method. I'm a NP and the description above rings true in my case -- my child will engage in behaviors despite the negative consequences because it yields attention. I think I need to buy this book!

(and sorry OP for getting off topic).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would approach it differently. I'd say I appreciate that they are trying to help but you prefer to discipline your child according to the plan you have worked out with the various therapists your daughter is involved with. You can say it's counterproductive when others who don't know her situation and how she best learns to correct her behavior get involved. You can even give an example of a harsh reprimand or even a scolding that has ANY emotion in it sometimes reinforces the negative behavior of a sensitive child, making it more likely to happen in the future (see books by Alan Kazdin, they are great). And that ever since you learned that lesson from the therapists, you prefer that your kids not be disciplined by other parents but that the parents go to you instead so that you can follow through according to plan. You can also say that you are careful not to discipline other people's children for that reason even though sometimes you want to. That shows that you appreciate their desire to be helpful but it kind of shuts the door on them nosing in in the future. You could even write it in an email rather than confront her face to face. If it's kind, she will be more likely to understand and maybe she'll even learn that she doesn't have all the answers. My child did pair up with another kid and throw another girl's sweater in a toilet once, at around age 8-9. We laugh every time that Wheezer song comes on, "Do you want to destroy my sweater?!" We did have our child apologize and pay for it out of his gift from his great-grandmother. But he admitted it after initially lying so it wasn't an ambiguous situation. I wouldn't sweat it too much, OP. Sometimes I think it's good for kids to get boundaries from other parents. The main reason I suggest speaking up is to teach this couple some new concepts so they stop thinking they're so awesome and have the right to correct everyone.

I have to gently but strongly disagree. OP doesn't need to give an explanation and does not need to open her disciplining techniques, which may not be as you describe, to these people for discussion or scrutiny. It will just make her sound apologetic. If this is a teaching moment the lesson is that they should not be disciplining another parents child, no matter what the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would approach it differently. I'd say I appreciate that they are trying to help but you prefer to discipline your child according to the plan you have worked out with the various therapists your daughter is involved with. You can say it's counterproductive when others who don't know her situation and how she best learns to correct her behavior get involved. You can even give an example of a harsh reprimand or even a scolding that has ANY emotion in it sometimes reinforces the negative behavior of a sensitive child, making it more likely to happen in the future (see books by Alan Kazdin, they are great). And that ever since you learned that lesson from the therapists, you prefer that your kids not be disciplined by other parents but that the parents go to you instead so that you can follow through according to plan. You can also say that you are careful not to discipline other people's children for that reason even though sometimes you want to. That shows that you appreciate their desire to be helpful but it kind of shuts the door on them nosing in in the future. You could even write it in an email rather than confront her face to face. If it's kind, she will be more likely to understand and maybe she'll even learn that she doesn't have all the answers. My child did pair up with another kid and throw another girl's sweater in a toilet once, at around age 8-9. We laugh every time that Wheezer song comes on, "Do you want to destroy my sweater?!" We did have our child apologize and pay for it out of his gift from his great-grandmother. But he admitted it after initially lying so it wasn't an ambiguous situation. I wouldn't sweat it too much, OP. Sometimes I think it's good for kids to get boundaries from other parents. The main reason I suggest speaking up is to teach this couple some new concepts so they stop thinking they're so awesome and have the right to correct everyone.

I have to gently but strongly disagree. OP doesn't need to give an explanation and does not need to open her disciplining techniques, which may not be as you describe, to these people for discussion or scrutiny. It will just make her sound apologetic. If this is a teaching moment the lesson is that they should not be disciplining another parents child, no matter what the reason.

+1000 Why should OP open herself up to these "Perfect" know-it-alls.

I'm not sure why OP wants to remain friends with these people. They sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

I would approach it differently. I'd say I appreciate that they are trying to help but you prefer to discipline your child according to the plan you have worked out with the various therapists your daughter is involved with.

If you want to remain friends with these people, that's a fine approach, but I would leave it at that and not go into the additional detail suggested. But it doesn't sound like you really like them, OP.