Advice - Friends trying to discipline my ASD child

[Anonymous]

I absolutely stink at navigating interpersonal conflict, so I need some advice. I have 2 children, my youngest is 8 and has autism. We are not lucky enough to have immediate family in the area, but ARE lucky to have a close group of friends who feel like family to us. And we all usually get along just fine, as do our kids, except for who I will refer to as the Perfect Mom and Perfect Dad. Perfect Mom and Perfect Dad feel they have Perfect Kids because they have been Perfect Parents, and that the rest of us Mere Mortal and Imperfect Parents all could benefit from their Perfect Parenting wisdom and skills. This means they feel the need to not just give parenting advice out whenever they feel the situation warrants, but also to discipline other people's children. While both Perfect Mom and Perfect Dad do this to show off, my friend Perfect Mom also I think does this partly from a true place of concern.

This weekend, we were with several other families and friends. There was a minor incident that occurred, no adult saw the incident actually happen, but it was blamed on my ASD daughter. Instead of finding me or my husband to tell us what happened, Perfect Mom went to the other room, pulled my daughter aside, gave her a stern talking to, and then made her go up to the host and apologize to her for what she did. The host (also a good friend of mine) was very uncomfortable, and said, "Oh you do not have to say you are sorry! It was nothing". Perfect Mom and Dad both said, "Oh yes she does...she needs to own up to what she did and take responsibility." The host thought they were out of line, and was afraid to say anything to me at the time because she knew I'd be upset. But when my daughter was behaving strangely and very anxious the next day, she told me about it.

Now, maybe my daughter did what Perfect Mom and Dad said she did, and maybe she didn't. Honestly, it did not sound like anything she would do, rather like something a toddler would do, but I've learned over the years that anything is possible. What really floored me was that my friends would take it upon themselves to try to discipline my child on their own, instead of finding me or my husband to have us address it! (The "incident", BTW was to throw an old VHS cassette and a toy into a toilet....my daughter has never thrown anything into a toilet....ever....but was seen holding the cassette at one point hence the reason they think she did it)

If this was just an isolated incident of some friends overstepping a line, I'd let it roll off of my back. But it's not - Perfect Mom and Perfect Dad think they can "fix" everything that they see is "wrong" with our daughter. From food to clothes to behavior to social skills. Perfect Mom has even made my daughter have a class 2 meltdown before by trying to exercise her Perfect Parenting skills. How do I tell my friend to stop parenting and disciplining my child, and to let me or my husband take care of it, without causing a rift? They do this to others' kids too, but for some reason I am the one who cannot let this roll off of my back.

[Anonymous]

I think this has nothing to do with ASD, really. Just tell your friends to come get you and you will handle the situation, that you prefer to deal with things that way. Your preferences.

[Anonymous]

You can't stand up for yourself and your child without knocking these people back a peg or two. It's just not possible. You need to put them in their place. It sounds like you need to be a bit more assertive, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with ASD, really. Just tell your friends to come get you and you will handle the situation, that you prefer to deal with things that way. Your preferences.

+1

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that this does not have anything to do with ASD. (My kid with ASD would have told "perfect" Mom and Dad that they're "too stupid" to discipline him and that "you are not MY parents", but I digress)

Tell your friend that you discipline your kid so if they see any misbehavior to come get you.

Your friends sound like a PITA.

[Anonymous]

Do they know your DD has ASD?

[Anonymous]

Be thankful that you have such close friends. You judging them for being "perfect" would be no different than them judging your daughter for having ASD. As they showed, they aren't perfect, you should let it go.

[Anonymous]

Tough, because there's no way you can handle this without some hurt feelings, which hopefully they will get over.

I agree with PPs about telling your friends to back off a little.
However I do want to add - are you sure you're handling things right with your children? Sometimes when people step in, it's because there is a lack of long-term discipline that occasionally manifests itself in situations like these, ASD or not. I'm not saying this particular situation warranted this, but just throwing it out there that some introspection could be helpful.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound as if you like them very much. If this is the way they are with everyone, there is no point in trying to get them to change. Why don't you just back off the friendship?

[Anonymous]

I don't care if the Perfect Mom has been my friend since we were potty trained, no one has the right to discipline my child WITHOUT my permission. Sorry, OP, but I would limit my child's interactions with people like that.

Oh, and for her Christmas gift, make sure you give her this book: http://www.amazon.com/Shut-About-Your-Perfect-Kid/dp/0307587487/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415633684&sr=8-1&keywords=shut+up+about+your+perfect+kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Tough, because there's no way you can handle this without some hurt feelings, which hopefully they will get over.

I agree with PPs about telling your friends to back off a little.
However I do want to add - are you sure you're handling things right with your children? Sometimes when people step in, it's because there is a lack of long-term discipline that occasionally manifests itself in situations like these, ASD or not. I'm not saying this particular situation warranted this, but just throwing it out there that some introspection could be helpful.

I'm the PP with the ASD kid who would have told these people that they're "too stupid". Most people who step in while well meaning have no idea how to discipline my child and will almost always make it worse than better.

[Anonymous]

Agree, nothing to do with ASD.

If you like them enough to remain friends, then laugh off their "perfect parenting" (even in front of them) and tell your DD that they were out of line and she shouldn't worry about it.

If you don't really like them, push them out of the group - stop inviting them when you invite the others.

Easy!

[Anonymous]

I would let it go- if it comes up again let them know (in the moment) that you will handle disciplining your kids

I've stepped in of I felt another kid was endangering himself/someone else, or if a kid was being really naughty and their parents weren't close by.

Forcing your daughter to apologize in a situation that didn't require immediate intervention, is way over stepping it.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely say something. It would be one thing if they removed her from a situation where she was at risk of hurting herself or others, but to make her apologize for something she may not have done? While you were nearby? Way over the line. Just ask that they come to you of you are available and you will take care of it. My son's best friend has autism and is sometimes set off by things I would never predict. It is much better if his parents handle all discipline, I would probably make things worse.

[Anonymous]

While I agree with PPs that she overstepped, ASD or not, it IS relevant to the conversation. If the friend knows DD has ASD, she should know or be told that parenting such a child is a different ballgame.