How Do You Handle Insincere Apologies From Spouse/SO?

[Anonymous]

Why are people commenting on a thread that ran its useful life well over two years ago? The person who revived it should apologize!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle it when you receive an insincere apology from your spouse?

For instance, my DH will say "I'm sorry" and half of the time he doesn't even know what he is apologizing for. Honestly, this is a marriage, and I am far from perfect, so 50% of the time he probably doesn't owe me an apology.

What frustrates me is when he simply says "I'm sorry" without trying to acknowledge or work through the issue I am upset about. It seems like an empty and insincere apology and really doesn't fix anything, so we will most likely recycle the same argument at a later date.

We have a good marriage, good communication and I am very happy, but instances like this get me so frustrated. I am wondering if other experience this and how they handle/process these situations.

Because a of time people communicate and look at things differently. Some people don't want to constantly have a discussion about why you are upset and what you want them to do to make it all better.

Quite frankly, if you get to the point where the empty I am sorry - can we please stop talking now response is what you get - maybe you are complaining too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My favorite is when I get the "I am sorry you're upset" apology. Now, that one is an insincere apology!

Disagree. "I am sorry you're upset" probably *is* sincere. "I am sorry for what I did" would be insincere!

+1

This also shows a certain level of understanding and maturity. When someone says I am sorry you are upset, they are really saying - I am probably not sorry for what I did, but I can at least take your feelings into consideration and I am sorry that what I did upset you. However, the action itself is often not one that I am sorry for.

This is typically why most people apologize - because often they don't agree that what they did was wrong - otherwise, they probably wouldn't have done it in the first place.

The thing in relationships is that you are making compromises - not doing things that would upset the other person, but not something that you actually feel is wrong. We have all been there - given up something, done something differently for the sake of making someone else happy. But, from an apology standpoint - we are not sorry we did it, we are only sorry that it upset you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband could forget to put out the garbage... And I will say - your forgot to put out the garbage- his response- im sorry I guess I'm a bad husband. Wtf?
You can NEVER say anything because that is always his response no matter what takes place

This definitely means that he is just tired of hearing you bitch about him all the time. Maybe you should look at the way that you treat him.

He is a martyr because you have killed him with your constant nagging. Now he is just a broken down shell of his former self pre-marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to disagree OP w/your statement that you + your spouse have "good communication." By stating that, you basically contradicted what you were complaining about beforehand.

I think your husband is saying, "I'm sorry" to you because he is being lazy and just wants to move on and sweep whatever issue is at stake under the rug. But you are right when you say whatever the issue is, it will most certainly come up again later. Just because an issue gets swept up and hidden, doesn't mean it magically disappears for good.

What you and your spouse need to practice are just better communication techniques. Whether this comes from a book or a counselor, I highly recommend practicing better communication between you because the more things get stored away, the more resentment builds alongside it and eventually those little things will multiply into much larger things that he will REALLY not want to deal with at all.

Hope this helps. Good luck to you both.

These are good points. But on the flip side - I think it is also important to think about what is and isn't important enough to take to the mat. Pick your battles - life is too short to keep fighting about everything. No one wants to be constantly having a discussion about what is wrong in a relationship. I see plenty of people - both men and women - who walk around their relationships numb because of the constant badgering and nagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say he says "I'm sorry" even when one isn't warranted. I have to wonder if you are like my mom and can't get past something unless you get a sincere apology. Sometimes it's not possible if the other person doesn't believe they are wrong, and they end up apologizing insincerely because they know that's the only way to move on.

Just saying maybe reflect on your part of this before blaming your husband.

My mom was the exact same way growing up. I lost count of the times my dad would say "look I agree with you and agree that your mom didn't handle this the best way, but for the sake of happiness in this house, can you please just apologize to her?". Sometimes an apology isn't needed. Sometimes dh and I have gotten into a disagreement and neither one of us has done anything wrong, we both just have different takes on the situation.

I love this response. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing.

People just can't get past the black and white nature of things - right or wrong. Someone is RIGHT and someone is WRONG... therefore, there needs to be an apology and someone needs to OWN that they were wrong - and we're not going to take another step forward until that happens... SILLY THINKING HERE!

People will never agree 100%. That doesn't make one right and the other wrong. It simply is a matter of agreeing to disagree and respecting someone else's opinions. No need for an apology. No one did anything wrong.

A lot of times in relationships - people apologize for the sake of apologizing because they want to move on from something and avoid the drama - it doesn't mean they actually believe they did something wrong. In which case, I would say - don't apologize! Just say, I don't agree with you - let's move past this and agree to disagree. No harm, no foul.

Now - if it is a non-negotiable - then you need to sit down and figure it out. However, your list of non-negotiables should be pretty short - otherwise - get a divorce.