How Do You Handle Insincere Apologies From Spouse/SO?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you found out about it.

[Anonymous]

I thought this was going to be about tone of voice...bc I've made plenty of apologies that probably SOUNDED more like "I cannot stand you right now."

It may be that your DH is absently saying "I'm sorry" the way I might say it to someone I've bumped into, and you're taking that to be an apology (whereas I'd say it's more just a nicety).

If it's in regards to a behavior that's a big deal for you, then in your shoes I might just nicely ask, "instead of just saying 'I'm sorry' can you let me know this is something you plan to change?" For example although I say "I'm sorry" to my DH I might also say something like "I can see that I was in the wrong here. In the future, I will try to do/avoid XYZ."

[Anonymous]

My husband could forget to put out the garbage... And I will say - your forgot to put out the garbage- his response- im sorry I guess I'm a bad husband. Wtf?
You can NEVER say anything because that is always his response no matter what takes place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My favorite is when I get the "I am sorry you're upset" apology. Now, that one is an insincere apology!

X 100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband could forget to put out the garbage... And I will say - your forgot to put out the garbage- his response- im sorry I guess I'm a bad husband. Wtf?
You can NEVER say anything because that is always his response no matter what takes place

Sounds like a partial picture of reality. Even more, sounds like your husband is used to dealing with your condescending or badgering ways - maybe you want to think about that before turning into matyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband could forget to put out the garbage... And I will say - your forgot to put out the garbage- his response- im sorry I guess I'm a bad husband. Wtf?
You can NEVER say anything because that is always his response no matter what takes place

Sounds like a partial picture of reality. Even more, sounds like your husband is used to dealing with your condescending or badgering ways - maybe you want to think about that before turning into matyr.

I disagree with this - just because you bring something up or get upset doesn't mean you are calling someone a bad spouse, badgering, or nagging them.

My DH does this too - overreacts and make it seem like a bigger issue than it is with me. Sometimes I think he is an evil genius because I hesitate to bring something up with the fear it will lead to the whole "I'm a bad husband" response.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this too - overreacts and make it seem like a bigger issue than it is with me. Sometimes I think he is an evil genius because I hesitate to bring something up with the fear it will lead to the whole "I'm a bad husband" response.



^^^ +1

[Anonymous]

That. It is SUCH a turn off. They just sound so childish

[Anonymous]

I have to disagree OP w/your statement that you + your spouse have "good communication." By stating that, you basically contradicted what you were complaining about beforehand.

I think your husband is saying, "I'm sorry" to you because he is being lazy and just wants to move on and sweep whatever issue is at stake under the rug. But you are right when you say whatever the issue is, it will most certainly come up again later. Just because an issue gets swept up and hidden, doesn't mean it magically disappears for good.

What you and your spouse need to practice are just better communication techniques. Whether this comes from a book or a counselor, I highly recommend practicing better communication between you because the more things get stored away, the more resentment builds alongside it and eventually those little things will multiply into much larger things that he will REALLY not want to deal with at all.

Hope this helps. Good luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

Wow many of the responses here are very unhelpful and somewhat shaming to someone who seems to be trying to proactively improve a situation for both herself and her partner...especially accusing her of martyring, condescending, etc.

My eyes were opened by the statement: Rather than saying "I'm sorry for XXX", trying saying "Please accept YYYY". Of course, I don't know how to apply it to some of the seemingly casual situations where people project their own judgment and criticism onto those around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you sound like you may harp on too many things that he does (or doesn't do) and the result is that he is somewhat beaten down and now completely tone deaf.

you and DH might want to get some help in figuring this out and putting you both back on track for a loving and equal relationship.

This. If he feels like he needs to apologize (whether sincere or insincere) that often, gunners to take a long look at yourself and see why he feels this way. Not every little thing is an "issue" that needs to be "worked through." Some things just need to be let go and move and and not made a big to-do of. You sound a bit tedious.

[Anonymous]

"You need to," not "gunners." I hate typing on iPhone

[Anonymous]

My exwife never apologized for anything. And she was never, ever wrong about anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband could forget to put out the garbage... And I will say - your forgot to put out the garbage- his response- im sorry I guess I'm a bad husband. Wtf?
You can NEVER say anything because that is always his response no matter what takes place

"Oh, FFS, you're not a bad husband, just take out the trash!"

My DH does this every once and awhile, and I do not stand for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say he says "I'm sorry" even when one isn't warranted. I have to wonder if you are like my mom and can't get past something unless you get a sincere apology. Sometimes it's not possible if the other person doesn't believe they are wrong, and they end up apologizing insincerely because they know that's the only way to move on.

Just saying maybe reflect on your part of this before blaming your husband.

My mom was the exact same way growing up. I lost count of the times my dad would say "look I agree with you and agree that your mom didn't handle this the best way, but for the sake of happiness in this house, can you please just apologize to her?". Sometimes an apology isn't needed. Sometimes dh and I have gotten into a disagreement and neither one of us has done anything wrong, we both just have different takes on the situation.