Friendships are hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does it make a difference that I am successful in a competitive field, and many of my closest friends are either in the same field or similar fields? I really don't think my experiences of envy, insecurity, and competition - going hand-in-hand with friendship, love, laughter, and support - is as unusual and weird as some of you are making it out to be. I think my experiences are actually pretty standard.

You overanslize, are dramatic, and you would not make it into my circle of trust. Too much drama. Sorry the problem may be you not them.

[Anonymous]

OP. This is the realization I have come to accept as I have grown older. A true friend is someone who you can trust, who will be there for you through good and bad, who does not judge you (or your loved ones) for your faults or envy your successes. They support you and cheer you. They truly want the best for you and will be honest even when it may sting a little. However, through the navigation of life I have come to realize that many friends I consider to be good friends are simply not true friends. Yes, they talk behind your back, they are envious and judgmental so I do not share my deepest stories with them but we have a lot of superficial fun together so I do enjoy socializing with them and would consider them good friends just not true friends. You just have to separate the true friends from the good friends and be OK with it. This takes a lot of self reflection but if you take a good look it will all make sense and end your stress. Honestly if you have more than one true friend in your life consider yourself lucky. If you work on being aware of others around you - you will find a few. I am truly blessed to have several true friends I can share it all with and a boat load of good friends. One thing that might help you is to listen when others talk not wait to talk. Hang in there and congratulations on your successes.

[Anonymous]

People with bad pasts REALLY become self-destructive toward their future friendships and partners, extremely consistently. Even close friends I've had who've been abused or had rocky pasts have founds ways to hurt me and everyone else around them.

[Anonymous]

This article explains everything, OP.

http://friendship.about.com/od/Breaking_Up_With_a_Friend/a/Why-Most-Friendships-Dont-Last.htm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of denial in this thread. Saw it coming, however.

+1

“It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.” - Aeschylus

There have been books written about this phenomenon, even among close, "true" friendships. The adamant denial in this thread makes me wonder if subconsciously some of the posters here have been guilty of this kind of behavior themselves, but won't admit it to themselves (because refusing to be honest when you're anonymous online suggests you wouldn't be honest with your own thoughts).

It's happened to me, it's happened to people in my family, it's happened to DH. Friends can get envious. Friends can get insecure. And we do it too. I know I've certainly been envious of my friends, I just haven't acted on that envy and sabotaged anyone. Similarly, my friends haven't actively tried to ruin my life out of envy. But do they feel the envy? YES. And yet I know we have real friendships. Friendships where I've been rushed to the ER, friendships which have seen me through heartbreaks and triumphs and milestones. Your friends are real, but if you think that we, as social creatures, don't compare ourselves to each other instinctively then you are definitely in denial. After twenty years of close friendship, you're going to be comparing yourself to your closest social group and measuring yourself against them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of denial in this thread. Saw it coming, however.

+1

“It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.” - Aeschylus

There have been books written about this phenomenon, even among close, "true" friendships. The adamant denial in this thread makes me wonder if subconsciously some of the posters here have been guilty of this kind of behavior themselves, but won't admit it to themselves (because refusing to be honest when you're anonymous online suggests you wouldn't be honest with your own thoughts).

It's happened to me, it's happened to people in my family, it's happened to DH. Friends can get envious. Friends can get insecure. And we do it too. I know I've certainly been envious of my friends, I just haven't acted on that envy and sabotaged anyone. Similarly, my friends haven't actively tried to ruin my life out of envy. But do they feel the envy? YES. And yet I know we have real friendships. Friendships where I've been rushed to the ER, friendships which have seen me through heartbreaks and triumphs and milestones. Your friends are real, but if you think that we, as social creatures, don't compare ourselves to each other instinctively then you are definitely in denial. After twenty years of close friendship, you're going to be comparing yourself to your closest social group and measuring yourself against them.

+1

I was going to quote this too! I have bolded everything that really stood out to me. I only have one "true friend" in the world, a friend who supports and loves me practically unconditionally, who cheers my successes without envy and doesn't judge me. I marvel every day that I have such a great person in my life. I met her at the age of 30 and we have been friends for more than 15 years now. I have never had a friend like her before or since.

But do I have a lot of good friends, a lot of close friends who I love spending time with and can occasionally confide in? Yes! But I can't confide everything in them, because they'll judge me. And because that gap - that true friend gap - exists, I would judge them too. All of this is hidden layers below. We don't go around judging each other 100% of the time, but if too much is confided, that gap will show up.

It's true - when it comes to "true friends", you're lucky if you can count them on one hand. It took me 30 years to learn that lesson!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just felt a little depressed and tired today as I thought about it. I'm social, outgoing and emotionally healthy (enough), as are many of my friends. But over the course of time you start to realize that no matter how much love exists between you and your friends, and how positive and drama free your relationship is, and how much effort you put into the friendship, some things never change.

Your friend is still a flawed human being no matter how awesome they are. Still lack sufficient self love to stop themselves from comparing themselves to you, still have insecurities no matter how balanced and confident and mature they seem, still capable of secretly getting jealous of you. No one wants to admit it but sometimes it is your best friend who hates to see you succeed far beyond their own success.

And friends are complex humans. They have issues from childhood to deal with, romantic problems, and other social or professional issues that all influence their attitude towards you.

It's condyantly a game. You can trust your close friends but you can't trust them with EVERY vulnerability in your life can you? You have to protect yourself and maintain some semblance of strength to keep their respect even as you show vulnerability. It's complicated and often exhausting.

Sorry. My best friends have been my best friends for over 30 years - friends since we were little kids. They are like my family. I trust them. Confide in them. And we support each other and are never jealous or insecure around each other. We have supported each other through boyfriends, college, marriage, babies, divorce, and even death. They are flawed like every human but I wouldn't trade them in for the world. You just haven't found true friendship yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds awfully melodramatic to me. If you're constantly struggling in your friendships, the issue may be you more than them.

Melodramatic? Constantly struggling? Ok then, if you think adult friendships aren't complex then you go ahead with that. It just means that yours are superficial and lack the extent of emotional intimacy that mine do.

Also, this is an undercurrent that rarely surfaces. 90% of the time its fun, laughter, good times, and always positively helping each other out. But if you think that friendships don't require work and that any mention of the difficulties even the best of friendships involve constitutes "melodrama", then I can't help you.

Yeah, you probably need to grow up. Get a hobby. And or a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. Adults don't expect 90% laughter, good times and positivity from anyone. Being an adult is hard.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are tiresome.

+1