Friendships are hard
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Anonymous
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Just felt a little depressed and tired today as I thought about it. I'm social, outgoing and emotionally healthy (enough), as are many of my friends. But over the course of time you start to realize that no matter how much love exists between you and your friends, and how positive and drama free your relationship is, and how much effort you put into the friendship, some things never change.
Your friend is still a flawed human being no matter how awesome they are. Still lack sufficient self love to stop themselves from comparing themselves to you, still have insecurities no matter how balanced and confident and mature they seem, still capable of secretly getting jealous of you. No one wants to admit it but sometimes it is your best friend who hates to see you succeed far beyond their own success. And friends are complex humans. They have issues from childhood to deal with, romantic problems, and other social or professional issues that all influence their attitude towards you. It's condyantly a game. You can trust your close friends but you can't trust them with EVERY vulnerability in your life can you? You have to protect yourself and maintain some semblance of strength to keep their respect even as you show vulnerability. It's complicated and often exhausting. |
Anonymous
| Constantly a game I mean |
Anonymous
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Clear contradiction in what you're getting at: You want them to be strong enough to not be jealous of you...but then you say you must maintain strength to keep their respect. Could it be you are trying too hard? Can't you just be flawed and let them be flawed...and maybe laugh about it?
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Anonymous
I think the OP is saying that he/she accepts that her friends are flawed people, but accepting it doesn't mean you can stop protecting yourself from it. And I agree, actually. My friends and I DO laugh at our flaws and I'm very comfortable with them knowing my flaws, and myself knowing their flaws, and knowing we all accept each other for it. I too have very close, good friendships with good, mature people. But it'd be stupid for me to say that the possibility of getting hurt doesn't exist; that a good friend might not experience something in their lives (internally or externally) that will change the dynamic, or that will bring to the fore any of those controlled insecurities that the OP was talking about. We fall deeply in love with people, marry them, and then most of us get hurt and even get divorced. But our spouses were, for the most part, still good, mature people. Same with friendships. |
Anonymous
| This sounds awfully melodramatic to me. If you're constantly struggling in your friendships, the issue may be you more than them. |
Anonymous
Melodramatic? Constantly struggling? Ok then, if you think adult friendships aren't complex then you go ahead with that. It just means that yours are superficial and lack the extent of emotional intimacy that mine do. Also, this is an undercurrent that rarely surfaces. 90% of the time its fun, laughter, good times, and always positively helping each other out. But if you think that friendships don't require work and that any mention of the difficulties even the best of friendships involve constitutes "melodrama", then I can't help you. |
Anonymous
I have wonderful friends that I'm very close to, but they don't sound anything like yours. Some have had occasional tensions arise that we need to work through, but we do and then they go back to being easy. Probably because, at the core of it, I like and respect them, and don't feel like I'm constantly doing some dance of trusting them, but not too much, or trying to manage their jealousy and insecurities. I've never had a best friend who I felt hated to see me succeed, that person wouldn't be a friend. You don't sound nearly as emotionally healthy as you believe yourself to be, maybe try therapy? |
Anonymous
| Does it make a difference that I am successful in a competitive field, and many of my closest friends are either in the same field or similar fields? I really don't think my experiences of envy, insecurity, and competition - going hand-in-hand with friendship, love, laughter, and support - is as unusual and weird as some of you are making it out to be. I think my experiences are actually pretty standard. |
Anonymous
or maybe they can't stand how full of yourself you are. |
Anonymous
| And this is a revelation to you why? All people have flaws and all close social relationships involve some degree of conflict. |
Anonymous
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I was talking with DH tonight about my embarrassment at inadvertently revealing my insecurities to a new friend, and he told me that's part of who I am and I don't need to apologize for that. I am also a person who loves my friends, warts and all. I think I'm not grasping OP's main point, though.
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Anonymous
o hai Internet troll! I was waiting to see when the angry personal attacks would come out. 
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Anonymous
| At the end of the day you can't fully and 100% trust anybody in the deepest sense. And that's OK. That's how it is. Kind of sucks. But this is true even in the very best of friendships. Just enjoy all the wonderful moments and accept the frustrations. I agree, OP. It's disappointing. But it's also fine and in a way this let's you realize that you can be strong for yourself and learn to trust yourself. I appreciate your post OP. I feel that way sometimes too. |
Anonymous
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