What does my DH want from me?? A hall pass? Blessing?

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH goes out A LOT. This is in addition to his HH's. The fact that he was going for over a year and lying about it IS my problem. I never stopped him from doing anything. My problem is he wants me to be happy about it.

He told me tonight when he got home from conference that he purposely antagonized me.. He wanted to make sure I wasn't going to try to keep him under my thumb. I asked- when did I ever do that? He said never but I just wanted to see. Wtf?

[Anonymous]

Op, you all must be in your what, late 40s? Two in college? You aren't teenagers. You aren't new to being in an adult relationship. Take some power back here and act like a mature woman, not an insecure high schooler. Your husband is acting like a tool so get him in line. Tough love. He's embarrassing right now. Put an end to it. Going it? Please. Seriously. Act like an adult here and make some hard decisions and follow through.

[Anonymous]

Seems like this is new/unbelievable behavior so I can see how it can be hard to make sense of it. Seems like you are in shock or something... You need to make a plan and stick to it. Don't let him manipulate you. He is trying new things because he can't get you to react! DO NOT react. Stay the course.

[Anonymous]

Was he like this when you married him?

[Anonymous]

He was not like this at all. He was considered the black sheep of his family and they looked down on him because of it. His siblings, male and female, along with his father are all like this. He really just started showing this behavior when he turned 49 ish.
His father and siblings are alcoholics. They all treat spouses like second class citizens. You know, you should know your place.
My husband always thought they were comical. Suddenly he seems to relate.
I have never had problems with my inlaws, just accepted them for who they were. And btw he always got along great with my family as well.

[Anonymous]

Such issues typically stem from spouses who are unwilling to swallow.

[Anonymous]

Let me know the next time he's going to be out late. We can meet for coffee!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes make your plan. How I said it once to my husband when explanations were sketchy. If you are out having an affair while I am home washing your shit underwear head on out the door and take your shit underwear with you - I am sure your little sweet thing would love to wash it for you. Maybe you should send dear secretary a care package?? OP, Don't make the choice for him. He seems to feel guilty and deserves to wallow in it all by himself. Get your things in order then move on your way when you are ready.

Yeah, send a package to the secretary with his dirty underwear and shirts and write a note saying please wash and iron since you are having an affair with my husband!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not really sure what your aims are in posting on this forum.

Are you looking for advice? You have received a lot of it.
Are you looking to have a conversation, as if with a friend? You are getting a lot of that as well.

Please think about how your real life friends would respond to the things you've posted here. Consider how YOU would respond if your friend or sister told you that they were experiencing the things you are experiencing.

You are at a pivot point where you need to decide whether you want to be in this marriage or not. Your husband needs to stop taking his secretary on dates. It's not appropriate. Everyone has told you it's not appropriate. The only person who thinks it's appropriate is your husband. If he is serious about fixing your marriage, he will take your concerns seriously. Based on the fact that he has not taken those concerns seriously thus far, I do not believe that he is serious about wanting to fix things, which leaves you in a place of figuring out what to do next. What I would be doing in your position is filing for divorce and thinking about how to tell your children about it. Your youngest child will take it the hardest, and waiting until that child starts college is not going to make it easier on him/her.

[Anonymous]

Why does anyone post on here? For all the reasons you listed.
OP has some hard choices ahead of her that she is reluctant to make for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

I have been thinking of you! How are things going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does anyone post on here? For all the reasons you listed.
OP has some hard choices ahead of her that she is reluctant to make for whatever reason.

Definitely, but she also comes back every few weeks and posts about the situation as if it was new, as if she hadn't already received a ton of advice about it. She needs to face the reality that her husband does not believe that his behavior is inappropriate and decide how she will respond. I'd respond by divorcing him.

[Anonymous]

Op here.. Thank you. I'm hanging in there... The debt is getting chipped away and we are back in a calm indifferent period.

I will continue to try not to let him get to me..I'm getting much better at ignoring his antagonistic behavior for now.

Therapist is finally realizing that there is little hope. Apparently he must have been singing a much different tune before we started going to counseling together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is cheating on you. Move on.

Ding ding ding we have a winner. Or really a loser McDouchey Douche.

[Anonymous]

Give him the hall pass and let him know reciprocal. "I've been wanting to screw your boss"